


welcome to the underworld

by bibliophile357



Category: Football RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Greek Mythology, And also because this is more complex than I expected, Fluff, Hate to Love, Light Angst, M/M, Slow Build, Suffering a lot because they're stupid
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-01
Updated: 2017-02-23
Packaged: 2018-08-12 09:25:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 48,887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7929463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bibliophile357/pseuds/bibliophile357
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Robert, the feared ruler of the underworld seems to be untouchable and cold as a marble statue.<br/>Thomas, god of the ever-changing nature has been waiting for centuries to finally meet the love of his life.<br/>When they cross paths the whole Olympus turns upside down.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. list of characters

**Author's Note:**

> So this happens when I try to climb Mt. Olympus and the sun is shining too bright.  
> There are a lot of mythological elements in this story, but the main myth that inspired me was the one where Hades, lord of the underworld abducts Persephone, daughter of Zeus and Demeter, goddess of fertility/spring/vegetation, and keeps her away from the Olympus. This myth basically gives an explanation to the season changes, because eventually there will be an agreement that Persephone stays half the year in the underworld (autumn, winter) and the other six months with the other gods (that's spring and summer).  
> I tagged many many couples and they will all play a smaller or bigger role in the flow of the story, though the main pairing will be müllendowski, because they're just toooooo much and tooooo cute :)  
> It's such a great fun to introduce and write about so many characters, but they can make things very confusing, so this first chapter will be basically just a list of them and you can come back here anytime you need to check something. I'm consantly doing it while writing :D  
> And I won't take more of your time, THANK YOU for giving this story a go, and please let me know what you think about it :)  
> Enjoy <3

 

LIST OF CHARACTERS

 

THOMAS Müller - PERSEPHONE, daughter of Zeus and Demeter, goddess often associated with fertility, nature and spring

ROBERT Lewandowski - HADES, ruler of the Underworld

The Twelve Olympians:

IKER Casillas - ZEUS, king of gods, god of the sky and thunder

SERGIO Ramos - HERA, wife of Zeus, goddess of marriage

JEROME Boateng - POSEIDON, brother of Zeus and Hades, god of all seas and oceans

CARLO Ancelotti - HESTIA, goddess of hearth and family, the eldest god on Olympus

GIGI Buffon - DEMETER, goddess of harvest and agriculture, mother of Persephone, former lover of Zeus

PHILIPP Lahm - ATHENA, goddess of wisdom 

STEVIE Gerrard - HEPHAESTUS, god of fire and blacksmiths, he was often depicted with a crippled foot

XABI Alonso - APHRODITE, goddess of beauty, wife of Hephaestus

THIAGO Alcantara - APOLLO, god of music, prophecy, art, light, twin brother of Rafinha

RAFINHA Alcantara - ARTEMIS, virgin goddess of wild animals, wilderness, hunting

MANUEL Neuer - ARES, god of war

JOSHUA Kimmich - HERMES, protector god of thieves, sports, herdsmen, etc. Messenger of gods.

 

Gods related to the Underworld:

MATS Hummels, BENEDIKT Höwedes, MESUT Özil - the MOIRAI, aka Fates, who control the life threads of humans from birth to death, one of them spins the thread of life, one of them measures the thread alotted to each mortal and one of them cuts the thread when the time of death has come

SAMI Khedira, BASTIAN Schweinsteiger, LUKAS Podolski - the ERYNES, infernal goddesses of vengeance

MIROSLAV Klose - CHARON, ferryman of Hades who carries souls across river Styx

MARC-ANDRÉ Ter Stegen - MORPHEUS, god of dreams

ISCO - ERIS, goddess of discord

TONI Kroos - librarian of the underworld


	2. anytime you feel the pain

 

**hate. March**

It’s cold. Incredibly cold and dark.

Thomas struggles to remember how he got there, but his head is throbbing and he feels so powerless like never before in his long life and no matter how hard he tries, there is nothing he can recall from what happened. It’s almost like the emptiness has already torn out whole pieces from his flesh and he’s just left there alone to fade into non-existence and experience agonizing mortality.

He parts his lips and wants to yell until his lungs burn because he desperately needs to get out of wherever he is and breathe again properly, not with that weight on his chest that crushes his heart. But apart from a pathetic sob nothing comes out from his mouth and then his body stops obeying and he loses his consciousness again.

When he wakes up he has no idea if he’d been out for whole days or only a few minutes because he’s still shivering and there’s still no difference between squeezing his eyes shut and opening them wide, hoping that he can see something else and not just jet-black void.

His heart beats frantically and his nails break in his failed attempts on getting himself into a sitting position and that screeching sound would be ear-shattering on any other occasion. Now it means that he must be alive. There’s too much pain to be already dead, the state he desires more with every passing second.

 

▬

 

“He’s suffering,” Benni states when he lifts up his gaze from the smooth surface of the table which shows the unmoving body lying on the inky floor.

He can almost hear his raspy breathing even though they’re in the other corner of the palace and the table theoretically doesn’t transmit sounds. Benni looks at Mats who’s busy with sharpening the edge of his scissor because he always needs to fumble with something when he gets tired of everyone’s shit.

“Do you still think that it was actually a good idea?” Mesut shifts in his seat and he seems to be nervous, but honestly, who wouldn’t be just a slightly bit uncomfortable when the walls are getting covered with ice and the usually chill temperature is still sinking.

The whole damn underworld is going to be frozen if they don’t do something.

“It’s obviously not,” Mats joins their conversation and tries out the sharpness of the iron on the tip of his index finger.

He smiles when it cuts deep and Benni watches as the wound heals quickly, perks of being a Moirai. Mats smiles back at him, affection glistening in his dark eyes. Their moment of happiness is washed away by Mesut clearing his throat and nodding in the direction of Robert.

“Do you hear us, oh mighty ruler of the Underworld?” Mats asks in a mocking tone and Benni knows that he wants to break through Robert’s stupor and make him actually listen to them.

The only change they get is Robert gripping the armrest of his throne even tighter and his knuckles are as white as the frosty flowers on the walls.

“Robert, you know very well that we can take a nice bunch of life threads and cut them to make some work for you,” this time it’s Benni’s turn to get Robert’s attention somehow, but it’s a lost case.

He wonders whether Robert has heard the broken cry of Thomas or not and it was just Benni’s ears that could distinguish the voice of a dying man too easily. After all, he hears it every time he stretches the soft, light cord of a human’s life and holds it for Mats to cut it.

There’s still no reaction and Benni shakes his head at the same time as Mats.

Mesut stands up and leaves his spinning wheel to look at the image of the trembling Thomas more closely.

“He’ll die soon,” he says the truth all three of them know and the words echo in the spacious hall.

The carved snake head decorating the arm of Robert’s throne gives up under the sheer force of his clenched fist and the ancient wood shatters.

Mesut shots a warning glance at Benni and Mats and they keep their mouth shut as Robert very very slowly stands up and walks to the mirror-table, leaving blossoming ice patches everywhere he’s touched the ground.

Robert stares at the image for a long time and Benni sees that he subconsciously raises his hand then drops it again like he wants to reach out and touch Thomas before he remembers that it’s just a projection of the real man. His voice is a mere whisper when he finally talks.

“I’m going there. You can leave and do what you need to do, I’ll be fine.”

Benni suspects the exact opposite of it, but he keeps his doubts for himself and turns back his attention to Mesut and Mats instead.

 

▬

 

Thomas can hardly breathe anymore it’s so cold. He hates cold and he feels like his blood is freezing in his veins and he’s terrified and calm at the same time.

He’s afraid to lose everything so quickly and die in the dense darkness he despises, that only takes away life and gives no reason to stay alive. Thomas doesn’t know for how much time he’s been there, but the ruthless isolation makes the promise of death soothing. He might be immortal but without his flowers, plants, caressing sunshine and the home-scent of the soil he’s just a wreck.

His mind is dancing on the verge of sobriety and oblivion and he stops fighting to stay awake even if he feels that losing his consciousness again might mean that he’ll never wake up again.

Then he hears approaching footsteps and he would smile at the tricks his brain is playing on him if he wasn’t so weak.

The coldness is inching closer and closer to his heart as the noise gets louder and he’s puzzled because most likely nobody’s around him and the rattling of a lock and the squeaking of an opening door is nothing but the result of his too vivid imagination. 

A renewed wave of cold reaches him and it’s like a last punch in his face, one that breaks his bones and by now he’s just glad that it finally happens. He’s not even shuddering anymore, numbness has taken over his body and soul.

“Thomas?” a deep, unfamiliar voice calls his name, but he’s so worn out because of the dark that he can’t react.

He hears those steps again and it’s ice crawling under his skin and he wants to scream and yell and cry real tears that won’t freeze to his cheeks. He can’t.

“Thomas?” the man asks for a second time and Thomas feels fingertips ghost over his bare shoulders and if he thought that it can’t get any worse, then he was wrong. It’s a raw, unbearable hit of cold, so powerful that even his half-dead body jolts and his skull is ready to crash and his eyes widen at the unexpected amount of pain.

The fingers disappear and Thomas has no idea how, but he sees a glimpse of blue before the door closes and he’s alone again.

And then he suddenly remembers.

 

▬

 

Thomas is walking in the huge, untouched green meadow with Philipp, Xabi and Rafa.

He stops from time to time and kneels on the ground, enjoys the light caress of the grass under his palm and closes his eyes. When he opens them again there are colourful flowers spreading out around his hand and he looks up contently at his friends to earn an approving smile from them.

Sometimes Thomas points at a tree and tells the others to wait for him until he runs there, presses his fingers against the rough trunk and feels the connection for a few seconds.

Rafa claps excitedly from where Thomas left them and Thomas winks at him because Rafa really has an eye for details and he’s quite critical with everything that might influence the well-being of his beloved animals.

And to be honest, Thomas craves appreciation even though his pride doesn’t allow him to say it out loud. His friends probably know it though and if decorating trees with enthralling flowers wasn’t heart-warming enough, their smile makes everything even better.

“How are things going with Marc-André?” Thomas asks Rafa when he gets back to his friends and a sunshine smile spreads across the boy’s face.

“We met the other day,” Rafa says and Xabi laughs at the blush that sneaks up his neck and reaches his cheeks in a split second.

“And was he nice to you?” Philipp joins the conversation and there’s fondness in his eyes, because he’s known Rafa and his brother Thiago since they were born so he’s probably even more concerned about their fate and that certainly means a lot as Philipp cares for a lot of people. And he helps them, gives them advice, stays calm and radiates peace which Thomas finds amazing.

Rafa’s cheeks must be burning when he answers and his obvious love filters through the warmness of his voice and the way he tries to pick out the perfect words that describe his feelings.

Thomas wishes to find that special someone that one day will make him look such a lovesick puppy like Rafa. Well, if a person like that exists, because he spent like hundreds of years waiting and he’s more or like accepted that the nature will be his one and only love.

“Oh, Fips, don’t worry. I was out in the forests to find a sweet deer that some stupid human injured and I had to heal him,” Thomas smiles because Rafa always talks about animals like they were more precious than any other living being created by gods. “I spent half the day removing the shattered arrow from the wound and my hands were covered in blood and when I walked to the closest stream, guess who was there.”

“The man of your dreams,” Xabi smirks and Rafa shakes his head at the joke which is the millionth similar one he has to hear since he’s told his friends that he had a thing for the god of dreams.

“Yeah, and ummm, I was kind of shirtless because it was scorching hot and Thomas is not the only one here who loves the sun…”

“Kinda shirtless?” Thomas asks back unbelieving. “I bet he fell for you right away.”

“Hey, it’s not about that,” Rafa objects and he looks slightly mad at Thomas for suggesting that their relationship thingy with Marc-André would involve just physical attraction.

So Thomas stops at the bush they are passing by and feels the leaves breathe to the same rhythm as his heart beats. He watches as a tiny blossom turns into a lush, exquisite new flower and he gives it to Rafa, knowing very well that it’s exactly the same colour as Marc-André’s eyes.

“You can keep it, it won’t wither,” Thomas says and they’re good again.

“We know that you don’t want to rush anything, and it’s okay. We needed a lot of time with Stevie to figure everything out,” Xabi adds and the wrinkles smoothen on Rafa’s forehead.

Xabi must really know, Thomas remembers that half of the Olympus was shocked when Xabi, the god of beauty and grace announced that Stevie, the limping blacksmith is the love of his life. They had to deal with a great share of pitying looks, because only a few of their closest friends believed them and accepted without any further questions that they were a couple. A happily married couple.

“Just keep going, if he’s nice I’m sure it will be perfect,” Philipp’s soothing words make Thomas smile and he’s glad that their little Rafa, who’s so shy about his sexuality and he only feels himself entirely comfortable with his animals and Thiago, opens up to them.

They walk in silence for a while, Rafa plays with the soft petals of his gift and Thomas occasionally stops to help the field burst into flower. It’s March after all.

Then there’s a quiet rumbling filling the air and the sky is still cloudless, but Thomas feels shivers running down his spine. A few birds fly over their heads and they’re too quick, they shouldn’t hurry like that. 

“Do you hear it?” Thomas asks and he sounds a bit worried, a minute ago there was nothing disturbing their daily spring walk and now the ground is shifting under his feet and there’s an unpleasant feeling building up in his stomach.

“It’s probably just Jerome again,” Xabi says and he doesn’t look bothered. “He’s experimenting a lot with the ocean these days.”

“I don’t think that it comes from the waters,” Thomas is pale by then and it doesn’t matter that the sun is shining, he’s shivering and he wants to tell something else to Philipp, but his throat is sore and dry and he can’t talk.

“Thomas, are you okay?” Philipp and Xabi sound concerned and Thomas really wants to warn them, but he’s dizzy and he’s not sure if he can stand on his feet anymore.

“Watch out!” Rafa cries and the world is shaking and there’s a flash of black covering the sun.

“For fuck sake, it’s Robert,” Xabi mutters. “I haven’t seen him in ages,” the shock on his face says it all and Thomas sees as Philipp’s spear appears in his hands out of nothing.

Thomas spots the dark glimpse again and his friends shout when he feels an ice cold grip on his hands.

He’s too weak to fight against it and the shouts of his friends merge into a cacophony of sounds. His vision is blurry and through the haze of nausea and distress he realizes that he’s being abducted.

But it’s too late.

The last thing he sees before passing out are the lines of the face of the most dreaded man on Olympus. The piercing blue eyes seem to burn into his mind forever.

 

▬

 

“Iker, fuck you!” Gigi’s yell is so loud that the walls of the palace are shaking. His forehead is sweaty and he’s trembling in fury, fists are clenched and his knuckles are white like the marble columns.

“He fucks me, you know,” Sergio answers instead of the god of all gods and he keeps on stroking Iker’s thighs with lazy, languid motions that fuels the fire of Gigi’s rage even more.

“I didn’t ask you,” Gigi snaps at Sergio who responds with a toothy grin and he slowly sneaks his hands under Iker’s shirt, exposing a thin line of white skin Gigi knows way too well. There were times when he was the one who sat next to Iker and his neck was full of faint hickeys reminding them of the nights spent together. Sergio does all this on purpose, of course, he likes to tear up freshly healed wounds, especially if it’s about Gigi.

“Iker, what the flying fuck were you thinking, when...” he’s back at shouting and it actually feels relieving to express his anger so openly, even if it doesn’t help his situation at all.

Iker waves his burst of anger off with a casual movement of his hands and he brushes away Sergio’s wandering fingers as if he doesn’t want to be distracted. His voice is deep and steady as always.

“I can’t tell Robert what to do. I’m sorry for what happened and I understand you, but Thomas is in the underworld now.”

Gigi looks at Iker with wide eyes and he lets out a deep breath before he talks. He has to stop many times if he wants to pretend that he’s calm, but he fails because every word sounds like a lash directed straight to Iker’s pretty face who allowed this to happen.

“He’s our boy. And your damn brother kidnapped him. To the depths of the motherfucking underworld. You’re sorry, huh.”

Gigi whispers the last words through gritted teeth and Iker has the decency to look a little more remorseful and even Sergio wipes away that shiteating grin from his face.

“Gigi, you have to understand that saving him is beyond my range and I think you are perfectly aware of it,” Gigi winces at Iker’s level-headed response and he can’t repress his anger anymore.

The difference is that he doesn’t even try to do so.

“Very well, Iker,” Gigi’s quiet voice is threatening. “You can stay here and fuck Sergio as many times you want, you both deserve some fun. But I’m going to find my son.”

 

▬

 

“I hate you,” Robert hears Thomas’ passion-filled words again and again. It’s not even a yell, the man was too weakened for that. No, it’s just a hoarse sigh, but it’s still enough to keep him awake all night.

Robert punches the wall of his bedroom and he focuses all his exasperation and all his fears in that one hit.

He embraces the stinging pain and he looks at his bleeding fist. The blood drops on the floor covered in ice and he hits the wall again, the ear-shattering sound of smashing bones fills the room.

At least he doesn’t hear Thomas’ anguish for a second.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooooo? Are there too many characters? Do you like the concept?  
> I appreciate any kind of feedback <3


	3. there's no escape

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for your feedback on the last chapter, I was just smiling at the screen of my laptop a lot :)  
> So here's the next one, I hope you'll like this one as well. Oh, and while writing I realized that this thing is much much bigger than I initially expected, so there will be so many things to come... I just thought I'd let you know :D

 

**hate. beginning of April**

 

Robert is far from impressed. His whole body is covered by a thin layer of sweat and the thick scent of gods now what kind of plants is suffocating. He’s gotten so used to the cold that the April weather almost kills him. Glassy-eyed prophetesses are leaning against the huge columns of the temple, some of them seem to be in some kind of trance while the others shot luscious glances at him. Like he’s interested in any of them.

“Welcome to Delphi, my dear friend,” Thiago appears from the dense smoke that hides the inner chambers of the building from mortal eyes. His hair is dishevelled and his lips are swollen. Robert suspects that there are quite a few women who don’t only worship the handsome god of sun and prophecies by transmitting his messages to humans.

“Don’t act like we’re friends,” Robert’s answer is not kind at all, but he’s been through a lot in the last two weeks and he’s fed up. “I have a few questions for you and you’ll answer them very quickly.”

“Look at you, fearsome ruler of the Underworld. We’re quite tense today, aren’t we?” Thiago grins and suddenly the sickening smell is even stronger than before. Robert’s head hurts.

In fact, his head hasn’t stopped hurting since he took away – okay, kidnapped – Thomas from the company of his friends and brought him to the underworld. _I hate you._ That’s the last thing Thomas said and since then… since fourteen fucking days he’s been silent and it drives Robert mad, because it shouldn’t have been that way.

“Did you tell me the truth?” Robert asks overlooking Thiago’s previous comments.

“I always tell you the truth,” Thiago replies and caresses the cheek of one of the sibyl’s, making the woman giggle softly. Robert presses his fingers against his temple because his head feels like exploding.

“Thiago,” he says and his voice is so commanding that the smile disappears from Thiago’s face and he leads Robert through the smoke to a heavily decorated room with an altar in the middle. There are huge vases filled with water all around the walls and the still surface of the liquid shows countless different scenes, couples making love, kings leading their people to war, families praying at altars and so on. They’re probably all images from the future.

“Recently I’ve been quite… busy. I haven’t been on the Olympus in a while,” Thiago is serious now. “I didn’t have the time to listen to the rumours or look into anyone’s future. But you’re here because of Thomas, right?”

He puts it as a question, though he already knows the answer. Robert nods and he’s desperate when he looks into Thiago’s eyes that have something eerie in them and it’s like millions of years are swirling in that brown infinity. Those eyes have seen more things than one could ever imagine.

“You said that he’s the one,” Robert decides to formulate it that way because his mouth goes dry when he wants to pronounce Thomas’ name and it’s even worse when he tries to say love. Because the last weeks have been all about pain and hate, Thomas’ pain and hate and Robert has nothing to do against it.

“You can trust me, Robert,” Thiago doesn’t break eye contact with him. “He _is_.”

Robert lets out a deep sigh that crushes his ribs and burns his sore throat like fire. He thinks back to his meeting with Thiago a few years ago when he told him that Thomas will bring some change in his life.

Iker has the whole world at his feet and he can play with humans whenever he’s bored. Plus he he’s surrounded by the mess that the Olympian gods are. Jerome has the oceans and he was never the type who needed a lot of attention, so he’s content with controlling every living being on earth. He can join the other gods any time and they welcome him with open arms.

Robert got the underworld and the hate. His rare visits on the Olympus are terrible at best because what is he? He’s the one who clears up the mess left after his brothers and sisters and he’s stuck with the dead and every immortal that’s not desirable among the “elite”. And on most days he doesn’t mind it at all, because there are very few things he can’t get used to and solitude has been his life since like forever. But Thiago and his prophecy turned everything upside down.

Robert began following Thomas’ every move and action through the mirrors down in his palace and at first he felt like an intruder. Then he got addicted to watching him and after a while he was familiar with the sight of Thomas waking up, him laughing freely when surrounded by friends and Robert couldn’t get enough of the tiny details.

After a while he could pick out the fluctuations in Thomas’ mood from a single wince or a longer silence in his talk. Yet he fucked up everything perfectly when he couldn’t wait anymore and now there were they. He’s crushing on Thomas but he’s not able to tell him because he just _can’t_ and Thomas hates him with all his passion.

“Robert, I can almost hear your thoughts,” Thiago breaks the silence and Robert’s back in the present. The heavy scent filling the temple hits him again and it’s even worse than before. “But let me tell you something about the future. There are usually several possible outcomes of every situation and sometimes a single deed can result in changing events that the sibyls have already accepted as written in the stars. That’s how these mortals say it. Yes, you kidnapped Thomas and it wasn’t your best ever idea. I haven’t seen this moment when I looked into your future some years ago, but it doesn’t mean that you two stopped being made for each other or some shit like this.”

Robert opens his mouth to ask because how on earth can be Thiago so sure of something if the future is ever-changing. Thiago hushes him and he’s so dizzy because of that stupid smell that he can’t protest.

“I’m just getting to the point that interests you. I bet that your darling Moirai have told you that there are some life threads that are connected. I don’t know the details, maybe Mesut does something when he spins the cords or it comes from Iker like a lot of things he doesn’t tell us because he’s just too caught up in ruling. Anyway. If one of these threads is cut then the one linked with it will automatically split up as well,” Thiago stops and Robert watches as he draws small waves in the biggest vase. There’s an arguing couple, but when Thiago manipulates the surface the man grabs the woman’s wrist and they end up kissing each other instead of fighting. “See? This particle of the future has changed forever. I can do it, or even they could do it, though not in this case because they’re not born yet.

But there are some personal future’s, let’s call them so, that are connected like the life threads and they cannot be separated no matter what I do or the people affected do. These bonds are very strong, inexplicably strong. And guess what? You and Thomas are linked like that.”

 

***

 

Basti and Lukas enter the bedroom assigned to Thomas and they sigh in unison. The walls are high and the room is huge, though there’s almost no furniture in it, just a king sized bed, a table that’s way too big for a single person and some intimidating curtains that cover the beautiful sight of the creepily gleaming Styx. They are so thick that they hopefully filter out the screams of those mortals that are not dead enough. Yet.

Basti didn’t expect Robert to be suddenly normal and reasonable again and give Thomas a suitable place if he’s already stuck in his magnificent underworld. So he’s not waiting for a miracle, but it’s still terrible even if it shows some development from the cave-like chamber that was meant to be Thomas’ home. A dark, small, claustrophobic box, that was Robert’s brilliant idea and Basti rolls his eyes for like a thousandth time. This monstrous room is better than that, he reminds himself.

Thanks to Robert’s great decision making now instead of making up creative methods to punish those who disobey the divine laws Lukas and him have to solve the Biggest Fucking Mess Robert Has Ever Done. This is the code name of the hopeless mission of making Thomas talk, first with them and then with Robert.

Lukas nods in the direction of the bed where Thomas has buried himself under a lot of blankets. The temperature of the underworld is still much lower than up there and Robert knows the best that Thomas is dependent on warmth and sunshine. Well, unfortunately Robert’s palace lacked both of them.

Basti brushes his hand against Lukas’ to collect some courage and patience and he can’t help but smile when Lukas catches his fingers and caresses them softly before letting them go.

“Hello, Thomas,” Basti hopes that his voice is friendly and encouraging. “I’m Bastian and Lukas is also here with me. We’d like to spend some time with you.”

There’s no reaction and they can only be sure that Thomas is alive that the blankets are steadily rising and dropping to the rhythm of his breathing.

“Do you mind if we come closer?” Lukas asks and Basti is taken aback again by how beautiful his voice is. Basti is glad that he has the chance to listen to it any time he wants to and he loves that it gets even huskier when Lukas mumbles sweet incoherent nothings in his skin while kissing his way lower and lower on Basti’s stomach and almost reaches… Okay, their number one priority is Thomas and then he can think as much as he wants about Lukas being hot.

“I guess that it’s not a problem then,” Lukas continues and they sit down on the far edge of the bed. Thomas doesn’t even move.

“I bet you’re fed up with all this silence,” Basti reaches out again to Lukas hands and he’s met with a blinding smile and cute wrinkles in the corner of Lukas’ eyes. “Is there something you would like to chat about?”

They know that Thomas won’t answer, but Basti and Lukas still go on like there are three of them participating in the conversation.

“You’re currently in Robert’s palace, you know, the almighty, cold like-a-marble-statue god of the dead. He’s apparently not the best at starting relationships well, but…” Basti stops and he thinks back at how Lukas and he needed an eternity to realize that they’re incredibly in love. He decides that it might not do any wrong if he tells about it to Thomas, who’s probably listening to them.

“We’re a couple with Lukas, I’m not sure if you heard about it. Don’t worry, the bad guys still get what they deserve because it doesn’t affect our work and we’ve got Sami who likes to think that he’s the brain among the Erynes and he can’t wait to tell us that we should _focus_. And not on making out but on torturing some rapists and similar cuties here and there.”

“I can’t wait to tease him with the same thing when he finally gets together with Mesut,” Lukas interrupts Basti and he chuckles at the image of Sami staring at the poor Moira and Mesut being too shy to keep eye contact with him. “We should bring them along tomorrow and you can see it yourself. They’re so obvious.”

Thomas shifts and Basti takes it as a sign of interest, he doesn’t even think about the possibility that the man just wanted to prevent a numb leg.

“But you should see them yourself. The thing I initially wanted to say is that we had a rough start and at first Lukas was dead sure that I’m dumb,” Basti grimaces as he recalls the memory because it took a lot of work to convince Lukas otherwise.

“He had the worst pick-up lines ever,” Lukas laughs at Basti’s reaction. “Though it was thousands of years ago. Probably. And he’s still dumb, but I got used to him.”

“He loves me,” Basti corrects Lukas and they just smile at each other for a while. Thomas changes his position again and Basti, being a god of vengeance or not, is optimistic enough to believe that it’s because he doesn’t feel that awful anymore.

“This is not the best comparison of course, but I’m sure that you think that Robert is a shitty person. Sometimes he might act like one, but we’ve known him for a really long time. And trust me, he’s not that bad,” Lukas stops and waits to see if his words do something to Thomas.

He’s not prepared though to hear Thomas _really_ talk so he almost falls off the bed when it happens.

“I hate him and nothing can change that,” Thomas’ voice is hoarse and muffled, but it’s him.

Basti lets out a deep breath before he speaks again.

“I understand,” he doesn’t continue immediately. “We have to go now to help Sami, but we’ll come back tomorrow and if you feel like that we can talk a bit. Just Lukas, you and me. Or we can just sit here and tell you stories, whichever is better for you.”

They wait a few seconds then stand up when there’s no response coming from Thomas.

“We’ll figure it out how to get you a proper heating too,” Lukas says before leaving Thomas alone in that horrible room.

 

***

 

Iker moans as Sergio presses fluttering kisses along the line of his neck and pauses at his clavicle to suck a tiny hickey on the delicate skin. Sergio continues his way down and he doesn’t tease Iker as much as he would do on any other occasion because it’s been an awfully long time since they last had more than a few minutes for each other.

Sergio missed all of this so bad and everything feels extra intense. Iker’s taste on his tongue is maddening and the soft groans leaving his mouth send shivers down Sergio’s spine. They’re both hard by now and Sergio is ready to climb in Iker’s lap and…

Everything stops abruptly because Iker pushes him away.

“What are you doing?” Sergio can’t help himself, he sounds bitter and disappointed because he knows the answer even though he wants to forget about it forever. Forget about the whole damn world that’s not Iker and him or go back to two weeks ago when there was relative peace and Iker’s eyes weren’t so weary.

“I’m sorry, I can’t do this now,” Iker whispers and Sergio puts away his selfish thoughts, crawls closer to Iker sitting on the edge of the bed and hugs him from behind. His chest is pressed against Iker’s back and Sergio feels the staccato of Iker’s inhales and exhales vibrate under his fingertips.

“Then let’s just sit like this,” Sergio murmurs in Iker’s ear and there’s a lump building up in his throat. Iker leans back into the hug and Sergio is ready to kill anyone who makes his love this upset, though he’s sure that this time it would make the situation even worse.

“I don’t know what to do,” Iker says and he’s slightly trembling in Sergio’s embrace. “Gigi won’t stop until every human starves to death and I can’t do anything against it if Robert doesn’t change his mind and lets Thomas free. I can’t even talk to him because if I leave this place and go to the underworld and come back without Thomas…”

Iker doesn’t finish it and Sergio understands the reason. Iker might be the ruler of the Olympians but he can’t kill one of his siblings without starting a new war that probably won’t end so well like the one against the Titans. And if Gigi continues the demolition of infinite fields of crops and vegetables and whole forests just to show that he’s a force that has to be taken into account and if Robert doesn’t give back Thomas’ freedom… then they’re pretty close to a catastrophe.

“You should send Joshua to Robert,” Sergio suggests after minutes of silence. Joshua is the only one who can enter the underworld without ugly consequences and there’s still a light ray of hope that he can somehow solve the problem in a nice diplomatic way.

“I’ll do that,” Iker kisses Sergio’s palm. “And I’ll summon an extraordinary meeting before it’s too late.”

Sergio burrows his nose in the crook of Iker’s neck and hugs him even tighter. They both need it.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm grateful for any kind of feedback <3


	4. and I want you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I'm apparently terrible with updates and school has started again, it's my senior year and I have more things to do than energy, but hey, this story is still here :) I have so many ideas and so many characters in my head and I LOVE writing about them, so it would be amazing if weekly updates fit in my schedule, but we'll see.  
> Thanks though for sticking to this story and hopefully it won't be this messy after a few chapters, but all these characters need introduction, so. Enjoy :)

 

 

**hate. middle of April**

 

Gigi watches as the fruit trees burn like wildfire. It makes his stomach turn and it’s like his chest is ripped open and his heart is exposed to the flames and the choking smoke. He lets out a deep breath and his throat is dry but he tries really hard not to throw up because he has to, painfully _needs to_ do this.

So he doesn’t close his eyes when the green leaves burn to ash and the trees collapse, making his soul tear apart, no. He keeps his eyes open and forces himself to watch the flares reaching up to the sky, little stinging tongues licking the blueness. He doesn’t allow himself to look away or blink, he lets his eyes tingle in pain together with his darling fruit trees.

The thing is that seeing his work fall apart is still less agonizing than thinking about the sufferings Thomas has to endure.

Fuck Iker for pretending like this is not important, that it’s not relevant at all that Robert just took away Thomas’ freedom and makes him live in that goddamn cold and dark place, that will slowly kill him. Fuck him for not doing anything, because summoning a meeting with all the gods won’t help at all, how could it when deep inside everyone’s disgusted by getting involved in anything that’s connected to Robert. The underworld is not shiny enough for their pompous fancy asses and Gigi regrets not realizing it years ago. That the whole Olympus is just a bunch of egoistic little shits who don’t care. Simply don’t care.

Gigi steps back and inhales sharply when he hears the distant wailing of the mortals and sees their hopeless attempts on cutting off the fire. It strikes him that he’s never before understood exactly what can go on in those human souls, but now he feels strangely attached to them. They mourn the fruits and their lives which became a lot more insecure with their main resources destroyed. Gigi mourns Thomas and in a very selfish way, himself too. Because after losing Thomas he has to demolish his precious plants and hurt thousands of men who believe in him, otherwise no one will acknowledge that Robert must be punished.

He must feel the same pain that’s consuming Gigi slowly, eating him alive.

Iker should open his eyes.

 

***

 

Mesut is surprised when he hears the muffled noises of laughter coming from Thomas’ room. He knocks on the door, but they probably don’t hear it so he just enters and he’s taken aback by the whole scene in front of him. He knows very well that Thomas needs a lot of warmth and not the chilly air of the Underworld which mostly depends on Robert’s mood, which is nowadays disastrous. He also knows about Basti’s and Lukas’ plan to make Thomas feel better, even at home and “warm up things a wee bit” which they started with the redecoration of the room a few days ago and reached its peak with this welcome party. And Mesut has no idea how they convinced Thomas about it, but they’re there, so Basti and Lukas might know something.

But even all this knowledge can’t prepare him for the sight of a hearth in the middle of the room, big and quite barbaric in a way, though it serves the purpose pretty well and lights up the dark. There are fluffy furs all around it and Thomas is sitting on one of them, wrapped in another blanket but his cheeks are rosy and he fortunately doesn’t look like dying anymore. He’s surrounded by Lukas, Basti, Mats, Benni and – _oh_ – Sami and they’re chatting like it’s the most normal thing to throw a party while practically being kept captive.

Mesut shakes his head and decides to go with the flow and see where it’ll lead and greets the other two Moirai and the Erynes and he tries really hard not to look in Sami’s eyes. Then he introduces himself to Thomas and sits down next to him, which has nothing to do with being the furthest place from Sami, whom he was drawn to since their first ever meeting.

“It looks a lot nicer now,” Mesut smiles at Thomas and makes a vague gesture with his hands.

“Of course it’s better,” Basti doesn’t let Thomas reply and he animatedly talks about their amazing suggestion with Lukas to convince Carlo to give them some never-smothering fire from his hearth that’s warm and it doesn’t even make smoke. Mesut notices that Thomas winces when he hears about the god of hearth and family, a name that probably reminds him again of his true home and his dull situation.

“Just calm down, okay?” Thomas interrupts the excited rant with a wide smile and Mesut is not sure whether it’s genuine or not entirely and he just wants to please the others by pretending that he’s happier after their efforts.

“They told this like six times since we’re here,” Benni says to Mesut and he looks amused when he absentmindedly plays with Mats’ long curls and kisses Mats’ forehead from time to time, who’s leaning on his shoulder and is like half asleep.

“I can imagine,” Mesut doesn’t spend too much time with the gods of vengeance, mostly because it’s quite tiring to keep track of all the mortals and future underworld residents and he doesn’t have the time and energy to socialize, and also because of those puzzling feelings that always fill his heart and mind when he gets close to Sami. He still knows though that Basti and his love would be able to talk for hours without even taking a breath.

“Don’t make fun of us,” Lukas kind of warns him, but he’s grinning and Basti stares at him in awe that makes Mesut slightly jealous because they are so comfortable with each other. He thinks about Sami looking at him like that, but he brushes away the thought, it’s just stupid. “We’re here to entertain Thomas.”

“I bet he’s grateful for that,” Mats adds and glances at Basti from under his half-open eyelids. Mesut chuckles and Thomas is doing the same next to him which somehow makes Mesut happy for him because he can still see him curled up in foetal position on the cold stone, shaking and hopeless.

“Hey, I actually am,” Thomas insists and Basti winks at him while Benni rolls his eyes. “And I guess you’ve got a lot of things to do and you’re still here with me, so… Thank you for coming,” Thomas’ voice doesn’t break and Mesut admires him for being this brave. “You’re the best in this fucked up place.”

Thomas gets warm smiles in response and now even Lukas keeps his mouth shut because they all know that the Underworld is everything that Thomas dreads and he still let his fears go when he accepted their help a week ago. And he talks with them and Mesut even risks that they might quickly build a fragile friendship with Thomas and things are quite laid-back if they carefully avoid the Robert-topic.

“We’re glad to be with you, too,” Sami finally says and he looks in Mesut’s and Thomas’ direction and Mesut needs to fix his eyes on the orange flames.

“It’s better than killing mortals all day, you know,” Mats mutters and they’re laughing again, because yeah, the underworld gifted them with a twisted sense of humour.

“Nah, we’ve got to torture the real bad ones, that’s more exciting than pulling some grandma stuff with your mysterious cords and spinning wheel,” Basti comments and Mesut sees Thomas’ lips twitch and he’s surprised that he appreciates these jokes.

He might have gotten used to the kingdom of the dead.

 

 

Mesut leaves Thomas’ room long hours later and it’s so calming to hear the silence of the corridors of Robert’s palace. It was nice and all, but Mesut hasn’t been in such a large group in decades and it tired him out. So he excused himself and left.

He doesn’t mind this time that plaster is falling from the ceiling of these mostly deserted hallways and he gets so lost in his thoughts that he doesn’t hear the approaching footsteps behind him. But then he realizes quickly that he’s not alone anymore and he knows who’s there without checking it. His heart immediately starts beating faster and he inhales sharply because he managed to act pretty normal all evening with Sami around and he is sure that he didn’t do anything stupid to reveal his inexplicable attraction and…

“Mesut?” he resists the urge to turn around immediately and he tries to calm down his frantically beating heart because his name sounds too perfect coming from Sami’s lips. That deep voice does absurd things to his stomach and he’s on the verge of falling apart to tiny pieces just from Sami calling after him.

“Yeah?” Mesut slows down his steps and even that single word is shaky and frighteningly full of emotion. That’s why he rarely talks when Sami’s there, he’s afraid to spill out everything and let his walls down because those oh so dark eyes could look right into his soul and under that intense gaze Mesut would make a fool of himself.

“There’s plaster on your neck,” Sami’s closeness makes the little hairs on his nape stand up. Mesut can almost feel the soft breaths tickling his skin but he still doesn’t turn back, he’s too caught up in his yearning.

“Yeah?” Mesut says again and he knows that it makes no sense but he can’t do more under the piercing gaze of Sami.

“Can I...?” Sami whispers and a shudder vibrates through Mesut’s body at the open question. Mesut lowers his head as an answer and he has never felt this raw and exposed in his whole life and it’s frightening, terribly frightening and strangely calming at the same time. There’s a sigh coming from Sami’s direction and Mesut squeezes his eyes shut when fingertips ghost over his oversensitive skin. Mesut can only hear his own unsteady breaths and blood thumping wildly in his ears, but it’s enough because he can _feel_.

Sami’s slightly calloused fingers run over his neck once, twice, and Mesut bites down on his lips hard otherwise he will crumble, he can’t bear all this tenderness. He doesn’t even remember the last time when he was touched like this, so full of affection. It’s light, fluttering butterfly-wings, and it weakens his legs and tightens his chest.

The plaster pieces must be long gone by then, but the fingertips are never leaving the back of his neck and it’s far from uncomfortable. Mesut senses that Sami leans closer and his every short exhale sends shivers down his spine, it’s so so so close and _wonderful_. He doesn’t dare to open his eyes even though the corridor is pretty dark, he doesn’t want to lose this fragile connection and meet reality that he shouldn’t feel this way and he shouldn’t want more.

Then Sami’s lips brush against his skin and it’s like a world of colours exploding under his eyelids, it’s lush carmine and soothing blue and elated coral and… honey flowing through his veins, dark and luscious like Sami’s eyes.

“Can I go further?” Sami’s every word is an open mouthed kiss pressed on Mesut’s neck that feels like the most natural thing, as if they’ve been doing this for years. Mesut lets out a helpless whimper in response and he collects enough courage to grab Sami’s left wrist and hold on his hand like his life depends on it. They are in a half hug like this and Mesut feels at home and he shuts down his mind that repeats like a mantra that it’s not okay, that it’s going to hurt both of them and Mesut mustn’t give in to the amazing feeling.

Sami continues kissing mazy paths on his neck and he draws aside the fabric covering Mesut’s shoulder as far as he can and he reveals tanned skin, deliciously inviting.

“Please,” it’s a prayer on Mesut’s lips and he arches his neck as Sami’s beard scrapes his shoulder blade and licks a wet stripe up to his jawline. Then he’s back on Mesut’s shoulder and he scratches the skin with his teeth, gently so that it doesn’t leave marks and doesn’t burn, even though Mesut would die to have a small lovebite there, because that would mean that he’s not dreaming. He’s almost panting when Sami starts caressing his cheeks while kissing every inch of uncovered skin and his breath hitches when everything stops abruptly.

Mesut dares to look behind and he sees Sami’s eyes widen, their fingers still intertwined, Mesut’s shirt sliding down on the one side. Sami stares at him in shock and he withdraws and Mesut immediately feels empty. Sami looks down on his fingers and there’s guilt in those chocolate eyes.

“I’m… I’m so sorry,” Sami’s voice cracks and Mesut doesn’t understand what happened. He involuntarily touches his own cheeks and they’re wet, he didn’t even realize that he’s been crying because the affection shown by Sami was incredible and he felt truly loved for the first time in his life and.

And Sami is gone and Mesut can’t go after him.

He needs to sit down on the cold floor and he’s shaking badly when he finally sees what has been wrong, that Sami thought that he hurt him and that’s why he was crying and he had no idea that it was just joy and love. Love.

 

***

 

“You don’t even have to say all of it, I know Iker,” Robert looks out on the window of his throne hall and watches the calm waves of the Styx light up the night. “Just tell him that I’m not changing my mind and I don’t care about the consequences.”

Robert waits for an answer and he turns back annoyed when there’s no reaction coming from Joshua who was sent to him by his brother. To tell him that he’s been wrong. Well, he doesn’t give a shit about what Iker thinks because he know perfectly well that he’s been wrong and he doesn’t want to hear it for like the thousandth time.

First it was the Moirai right at the beginning when he brought Thomas to the Underworld, then it was Basti and Lukas after Thomas talked to them, then Thiago when he visited him in Delphi, then the Erynes and the Moirai together when they decided that Thomas is their friend. As if the hate-filled words and the icy look in Thomas’ eyes weren’t enough to remind him of that.

“I was sent here to do that, but I’m sure that you know what’s going on up there at us,” Joshua leans against the wall and doesn’t look bothered at all by Robert’s grumpiness. “Gigi tries to get Iker’s attention by killing of the nature, Iker can’t do anything against it apart from calling up a meeting for all the Olympians,” Robert grits his teeth at that part, even if he’s used to it, it’s never too pleasing to hear about the others as the true gods that mortals love. “Which is on the day after tomorrow by the way and I shouldn’t tell you this, but maybe your appearance would solve our problems.”

 “I won’t go, you know it very well,” Robert has a fake smile on his face. “They can handle it on their own.”

Joshua stops and runs his fingers through his messy hair and lets out a deep sigh.

“Look, I’m not pro Iker or pro Gigi or contra you, I’m here for peace. You must have your reasons for abducting Thomas, but if you keep it a secret then no one will understand it,” Joshua sighs again and there’s weariness in his eyes, like he’s tired of trying to convince everyone to act sensible.

“The reasons are private,” Robert hisses and he feels the temperature sink again around him, something that happens these days more than he would like to.

Joshua groans. “I might suspect what your reasons are, but anyway. The thing is that your private problem causes the world some not so private problems, but again, who am I to actually succeed in talking sense to your stubborn head.”

Robert looks out again on the river and it helps him calm down so that he doesn’t snap at Joshua.

“I’ll tell your brother that you’re sure of what you’re doing,” Joshua says and Robert tries really hard to not pick out to the mocking undertones of it.

“As you wish,” Robert mumbles and he considers it as the end of the conversation. He’s surprised when Joshua comes closer to him and dares to stand by his side at the huge window looking at the Styx.

“I hate to give advice, but here you are. If Thomas really is _that_ to you what I assume, then you should very quickly try to make it up with him. Before it’s not too late.”

Robert doesn’t have a response to that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love you for any kind of feedback <3 (and I promise there be Thomas/Robert interaction, but I just _needed _to fit in this samisut bit)__  
>  Oh, and is there someone about whom you would like to read more? :)


	5. this is the start of how it all ends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who would've thought that it will get this complicated and there will be so many narratives. Well, it's definitely not the little few chaptered thingy I expected to be, but it's so much fun to write it and your feedback is amazing, so it can't be that bad :)  
> Enjoy and have a nice day <3

**hate. still April**

 

Philipp takes in the sight of his fellow Olympians sitting around the large round table that’s meant to express that they’re equal in some twisted way and he squirms in his seat. He closes his eyes for a second to suppress that twinge of nervousness that sneaked under his skin the morning before and hasn’t left since then, but when he opens them again, there’s no change. The unfamiliar feeling is still there in the back of his mind and it’s not comfortable at all, a little voice telling constantly that things are going to get fucked up really bad – even worse than it’s now – and he won’t be able to do anything against it.

He sighs and looks around again, trying to notice every detail because it may help him later in protecting the fragile peace among them. There’s a very good reason why the Olympus is big enough and half of the gods aren’t even there all the time. If they did, they would probably attempt to drown each other in a spoon of water, the happy family they are.

Iker’s place is empty and no matter how hard Philipp tries not to, he furrows his eyebrows because he respects Iker and he actually thinks that he’s the best possible leader for them, but he shouldn’t do it now. It’s a theatre play; Iker wants to be the last one who enters, the main character who pulls the strings. This is exactly the opposite of what he was yesterday when he visited Philipp with wide eyes and a weary look and asked him to help him out if the whole meeting turned into a disaster. Philipp just nodded because he can never not help someone, but it would’ve been a lot better if Iker put away his ego for once.

Sergio is leaning back into his armchair next to Iker’s and Philipp realizes that the usual smug grin is missing from his face and he looks concerned. He’s constantly glancing at the door, like Iker’s presence would be enough to calm him down. Each time he catches a glimpse of Gigi, he tightens his jaw and seems to be ready to jump on his feet and punch the other man straight in the face. Philipp prays that it won’t happen, though the tension is almost palpable.

Then there’s Xabi and Stevie next to Sergio and Xabi tells some reassuring words to him that wash away some wrinkles from his forehead, but then he turns back to Stevie and Sergio is troubled again. Philipp watches as Stevie leans closer to Xabi and whispers something in his ear that lightens up Xabi’s eyes and a dreamy smile is playing on his lips. Xabi’s answers with intertwining their fingers and they both look so content and serene that Philipp actually envies them a bit.

Joshua turns away politely when Xabi leans on Stevie’s shoulder and Stevie breaths soft kisses in his hair. Philipp sends the young god a weak smile and he gets a slight shake of Joshua’s head in response because the couple sitting next to him might be annoying with their touchiness, but it’s at least distracting them from their actual problem.

Joshua starts talking to Manu and Philipp suspects that it’s mainly because Joshua will have to report about his unfortunate trip to the Underworld and the others – okay, Gigi – won’t take it too well. And exchanging ideas about diplomacy and war with Manu is still better than letting your brain repeat the same scenes again and again, Philipp knows it very well. He should do the same as Joshua because he feels his trademark calmness crumble, but Jerome seems to be lost in his thoughts on his right side. His arms are crossed across his chest and he’s staring at the wall with an expression that clearly shows that he’s only physically present. Philipp doesn’t want to disturb him.

On his other side there’s Thiago and Rafinha and they talk animatedly about Marc-André. Rafa is gesticulating wildly and Philipp hears that he’s trying to convince Thiago again to tell him whether they’re meant for each other or not. Thiago hushes his brother for like the thousandth time and he explains once more that the future is not unchangeable and it depends entirely on Rafinha and his crush, Rafa blushes at that word, what they’ll do with the chances given to them. Thiago has a fond smile on his face when Rafinha just groans and tells him that he hates Thiago for not telling him anything. Thiago laughs at the pouting Rafa then Gigi silences the bubbling, carelessly happy sound by shooting an icy glance at the brothers. They continue talking more quietly and Philipp wishes he wouldn’t feel such an urge to tap with his fingers on the table.

Overcoming the itch in his fingertips to relieve some of the stress he’s experiencing, Philipp observes Gigi and Carlo. Carlo wisely occupied the seat next to Iker, this way there’s at least one person, fortunately a very composed person between Gigi and his ex-lover, so if things are getting heated, there’s still a faint chance to prevent the disaster. Carlo doesn’t talk to Gigi, but his presence is enough to keep the other man relatively relaxed, which at this point probably means that he doesn’t jump on his feet and strangle Sergio or shout at Stevie and Xabi for being sickeningly in love or just simply go after Iker and hit him hard. Philipp hopes that his eyes are expressive enough to make it clear with Carlo that he’s utterly grateful for what he’s doing.

„Welcome, my friends,” Iker’s confident voice fills the room and everyone stops chatting and shifts their attention to him. Only Gigi hisses at the _friends_ , but this is not the lost Iker who asked Philipp for help not even a day before, it’s not the Iker who seemed to be clueless and desperate. This Iker is commanding and if that vein wasn’t a bit more visible on his neck Philipp would think that he’s perfectly calm.

„You all know why we are here, but I will still summarize it again, so that we avoid any kind of misunderstandings,” Iker sits down next to Sergio and Carlo and Philipp feels the stress spread in his chest, until it slowly reaches every cell of his body. Iker continues talking.

“Less than three weeks ago, Thomas was taking a walk with Philipp, Rafinha and Xabi, when Robert appeared out of nowhere and he kidnapped Thomas before the others could do anything,” Philipp looks down on his hands tightened in a grip at this point, it bothers him incredibly that they were so helpless against Robert. That it only took him a second to disappear with Thomas. “Since then we got no news about him, because as we all know, the territory of the Underworld is strictly under the rule of Robert and we can only enter if he allows it.”

Philipp thinks about this rule he suggested thousands of years ago, and then it seemed to be reasonable, but now… Giving Robert all the power was meant to ensure that none of the Olympians will alter the natural flow of a human’s life, no matter how important that person becomes to them.

It helped maintaining some kind of distance between the mortal and immortal world, so that when someone dies, they truly die, there’s no intervention from the divine side. On that very similar meeting they all agreed that this was going to be the best for everyone and Robert vowed that he’ll remain neutral and he will act wisely. The Moirai, the Erinyes and Koke, the three-faced god was assigned to help out Robert in difficult times and guarantee that everything runs smoothly. Apart from that, only Joshua was allowed to cross the border of the Underworld without getting immediately killed by Cerberus or the nice things protecting the Kingdom of the Dead, obviously because he was the messenger god.

Back then nobody would have suggested that the always calm Robert will decide to simply abduct someone.

“Unfortunately Robert decided not to inform us about his reasons and the only thing we know is that Thomas is still alive, though we cannot be sure about his exact state,” Iker stops for a second to exhale sharply and Philipp knows that under the professionally built façade he’s suffering as much as Gigi. “After drawing my attention to the problem, Gigi chose to settle the issue by contradicting the very essence of his existence. He refuses to take care of the nature until Thomas is safe again here on the Olympus. This means that mortals will experience famine and distress in a matter of months that will most likely lead to unnecessary war and humans questioning our authority.”

Iker looks around the table and makes eye contact with everyone before finishing his speech.

“I invited you here to solve the problem in the best possible way, quickly and effectively. I ask you for patience and understanding,” at this point Iker glances at Gigi from the corner of his eyes and Philipp bites down on his lips because that single look will be probably enough to get Gigi over the edge. “First of all, I would like to ask Joshua to tell us about his short trip to the Underworld.”

Now everyone turns to Joshua who straightens his back and watches Gigi during the whole time he talks, voice soft but determined.

“I met Robert two days ago and transmitted Iker’s message to him. I enlightened him about the current situation up here and asked him why it was necessary to be so radical, hoping that learning about his reasons would be a solution to us.”

“And what did he say?” Rafinha interrupts Joshua and his dark eyes are wide, he probably has to deal with the same guilt and same amount of sleepless nights as Philipp.

“He said that his reasons are private and he is sure that he knows what he is doing.”

Joshua’s answer draws a few gasps from the gods and Philipp feels so powerless like never before in his life. Then everyone starts talking at the same time and Iker has to bang his fist on the table to make silence again.

“Please,” he says and his tone suggests anything but a polite request. “Does anyone here have an idea about Robert’s _private_ reasons?”

“He hates us,” Gigi’s answer comes immediately and it earns a frown from Iker and a grunt from Jerome.

“It’s _very_ _rational_ to say that,” Jerome talks for the first time since they’re in the room and Philipp doesn’t even remember the last time he heard the deep voice of the god of seas and oceans. He sounds bitter and ironic. “I think you should know it very well that Robert is stubborn as hell, but not stupid at all. He must have something serious in his mind, he can’t turn his back all of the sudden on us. So.”

Jerome looks at Iker to show that he’s got nothing else to say and Iker sighs.

“Anything that might actually help us?” Iker still doesn’t sound desperate, but the sharp undertone in his question is enough for Philipp to realize that if things don’t change suddenly, then they will end up trying to kill each other. Amazing.

“I can only agree with Jerome,” Stevie is holding hands with Xabi while he’s speaking. “From all of you I’m the one who knows the best what it feels like to be excluded and overlooked. And yes, before things happened with Xabi and me I had days when I despised you for making me feel useless because of my damn legs. Robert might be in the same situation, and we shouldn’t lure ourselves in the illusion that we put the Underworld on the same level with the Olympus or Jerome’s seas. We don’t. So he might feel worthless sometimes and it’s truly horrible, but he’s so much calmer than me and hate is such a powerful emotion… It can’t be that.”

“Okay, let’s say that I was wrong,” Gigi is talking very silently, Philipp thinks that it’s because this way he can hide the slight fluctuations in his voice that would expose his feelings. “Then tell me. Why.”

There’s silence, terrible, ear-shattering silence that tears Philipp apart. Then Thiago clears his throat and he starts to talk, very slowly, pausing after every second word.

“I hoped that it won’t come to this, but here we are. I always keep the images I’ve seen from the future for myself and the people who are concerned, because it’s constantly changing, very few things are sure. It’s better when everyone lives in the present. Though now I’ll make an exception because suddenly all of us seem to be affected.”

And Philipp listens to Thiago presenting them the idea of some bonds that are too strong to be separated, that are connecting people in an inexplicable way. They are rare, Thiago emphasizes and Philipp already knows what’s coming.

“Thomas and Robert are connected like that, one’s future doesn’t make sense without the others,” Thiago’s look is regretful when he turns to Gigi.

“I still have a question,” Carlo raises his eyebrow. “Are there defined emotions linked to these bonds?”

“Yes and no,” Thiago sighs. “Clearly, there have to be emotions if two people are brought so closely together by fate or whatnot. But as I already said, it is a very unique occurrence and it’s always different. So it can be disgust, irritation, anger, enthrallment, fear or…”

Philipp finishes Thiago’s sentence. “Or love or hate.”

Manuel mutters a fuck under his breath and the desperation that has been perfectly hidden on Iker’s face finally appears.

“Umm, I left out something when I told you about my meeting with Robert,” Joshua doesn’t look up from his lap. “He seemed to be… Well. He was trying to hide it. And he tried to be the marble statue he wants the world to see him. But his eyes, it just looked like he was…

In love. Completely in love.”

Gigi lets out an involuntary cry, but apart from that the whole room is silent again and it’s even worse than before because they were probably ready for any kind of reason but that.

Philipp takes a deep deep breath and it helps a bit to collect himself and break the silence.

“Now we only have to find out what Thomas feels towards Robert,” he says and his voice is steady and encouraging even though he knows Thomas and he knows that his friend loves sunshine and plants and freedom. So the chance that he feels the same as Robert is…

Well, _fuck_ indeed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear the next one will finally focus on Robert and Thomas. But there has to be some build up, right? :)   
> Please, let me know what you think about it :)


	6. we'll have to hurt for now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's probably not what you would expect from a chapter full of Robert and Thomas. I would just lean back and dramatically sip my tea if these two didn't ruin my life. Ugh.  
> Anyway, enjoy :)

**hate. late April**

“Hey,” Robert whispers as he enters Thomas’ room.

He’s been standing in front of the door for long minutes and he didn’t need much to turn back and forget about everything he’s planned. Because that ihateyou still echoes in his mind and he knows it very well that his stupidity is the only reason why they are in such a fucked up situation. He’s the one who caused this almost unbearable pain crawling under skin and never leaving again and it’s his responsibility to make up for it. So instead of retreating Robert knocked on the door and now he’s staring at Thomas sitting on the ground next to the hearth and he can’t breathe.

Thomas’ gaze is fixed on the flames and he doesn’t even flinch at Robert’s appearance. It should probably hurt that Thomas ignores him, but it’s not worse than a hate-filled voice coming from a half-dead body…

Robert only saw Thomas from his mirror since nearly killing him with the icy touch of his fingers and it’s so so so different in real life. Everything is more intense, the fire is painting blurry orange patterns on Thomas’ cheeks and it softens the edges until it all seems like a dream. Fire-kissed paleness that makes something warm and fuzzy spread way too quickly in Robert’s chest.

“I understand that you don’t want to talk to me,” Robert says after he remembers that his lungs will burn less if he breathes again.

He’s standing quite far from Thomas but he doesn’t move closer because the careless boyish look is gone as soon as their eyes meet for a second and Robert has to break the eye contact at the intense objection he spots. Even through the brightness of the fire, it’s dark and genuine and it hits Robert hard. He has seen so many scenes from Thomas’ life throughout the years – warm smiles, careless laughter, dishevelled morning hair and sleepy grins, weary frowns and – and nothing like this. Now he has to see rage and disgust.

“But please let me leave something here for you,” Robert’s voice is weak and he glares in Thomas’ direction with a pleading look, hoping that maybe Thomas notices that he’s so incredibly sorry. There’s no reaction.

Thomas is lost in the fire again and Robert aches to get closer to him and just _explain_ and hold him and make him warm and… He can’t of course, he’s cold and nothing that Thomas needs. Robert continues talking nevertheless, not minding that he can hear the uncried tears resonating through every word.

“I brought you some candles which should smell like spring,” Robert fumbles until he can get the tealights out of his pocket and he takes a hesitant step towards the fire. “I’m not sure if it’s truly like that, I can’t really remember what is spring like, because I rarely leave this place, but…” he pauses and looks down on the small candles in his hands that are meant to make Thomas feel better, more at home. “I just… maybe this helps a little.”

Thomas doesn’t lift his gaze from the dancing flames and Robert’s heart almost crushes. He closes his eyes for a second then lights the candles one by one, trying to keep as much distance from Thomas as he can, because being even closer would just make things more terrible.

The fresh scent fills the room when Robert arranges them on the floor. It’s strange and unfamiliar even if Robert focuses with all his might on recalling at least some faint whiff of a past spring, but there’s nothing apart from his mind suggesting that there could be a day when he makes new spring memories with Thomas by his side and then his winter could be forgotten.

He winces at the image.

“Thank you for accepting them,” Robert is kneeling on the ground and he looks at Thomas one more time, aware of the fact that his words made no sense and a few sweet-smelling tealigths can’t mend everything he’s destroyed.

He catches a glimpse of Thomas raising his hand to reach out to one of the candles, but he immediately retreats when he realizes that Robert’s still there and his walls are up again. Robert swallows hard and the candle closest to him freezes.

“I’m sorry,” that’s the only thing he can mutter, but these are just useless words that should mean a lot, but when pronounced their meaning melts and there’s remaining nothing but emptiness.

Robert leaves silently.

 

 ***

 

The next day Robert can barely open the door and he almost drops the books from his arms when he finally gets in. Thomas is lying on the bed which was moved closer to the hearth and he sits up when he hears the footsteps and there’s anticipation written all over his features as he looks at his guest. But then he recognizes Robert and the hope disappears from his eyes in a matter of seconds and he goes back to his previous position, sprawled on his stomach, a blanket haphazardly slipped over his legs.

“Hey,” Robert greets him and before he entered he decided that he’ll be as endearing as he can, but he only sounds tired and lost. “I brought you some books.”

Thomas doesn’t move and Robert regrets for a moment that he’s there again because his presence only makes Thomas’ suffering worse, doesn’t it? He’s the reason of the cold Thomas hates and the personification of everything that can ever cause him misery.

Their futures are still connected, Robert remembers and this thought and the image of an awestruck Thomas exploring Philipp’s library months ago keeps him in the room.

“I’ll come a little closer to put these on the bed, okay?” Robert asks and he’s not surprised when he doesn’t get any response, it’s just the slight change in the steady rhythm of the blanket rising and falling that shows him that Thomas is listening.

Robert puts down the pile and the mattress sinks under their weight. Thomas’ whole body jerks at the sudden transition and Robert wants it really bad to soothe him and it’s devastating to know that he’s not able to do that.

“I’m sorry for not warning you, these are just books. From the library,” Robert takes a few steps back while talking so that Thomas doesn’t feel threatened by his presence, which is horrible, but he can only thank himself for it. “We have a huge collection of books, mostly because there’s usually nothing happening here and…” And I hope that you can change it and my future self will be content with his life in this goddamn place because you’ll be here, Robert adds, this time keeping the words for himself. “I thought that it might be good against boredom. I picked a few with Toni, our very own smartass librarian, but if you would like to read anything else, please let me know. You can tell it to Basti or the Moirai or anyone you wish if you don’t feel like speaking with me.”

Robert somehow manages to hide that the last words sting and it’s like opening up a newly healed wound. It’s one thing to know that Thomas despises him, and it’s a whole different story to actually say it out loud, to acknowledge that he will probably never hear Thomas talk to him again.

“Or you can also go there yourself, Toni would be glad to help you out because it’s truly big and it’s so easy to get lost in there. It’s not that warm in there but you can bring your blankets and some tea. Of course, if you wish. You can do…”

Whatever you want, Robert almost says but then he understands that no, Thomas is not allowed to go home and that’s the biggest problem. Thomas stiffens and Robert suspects that he knew it exactly how the unfinished sentence would have ended.

He leaves the room again because there’s nothing else to say. And it’s better for both of them.

 

***

 

The third day Robert doesn’t realize that Thomas is not alone until it’s too late.

He should’ve noticed the lively chatter coming from the room but he was so caught up in his thoughts that he simply didn’t hear anything. So it’s surprising to see that the Erinyes and the Moirai are sitting comfortably around the fire and Thomas is actually laughing at something either Lukas or Bastian said. It melts Robert’s heart even though he heard Thomas laugh many times while falling more and more for him. It’s so much brighter now, rich and mesmerizing and it makes the greyish underworld explode in thousands of colours.

It doesn’t last long because Thomas sees Robert and the warmness in his eyes quickly turns into that defensive hatred Robert knows too well. Thomas retreats behind Mats and hugs his legs. He doesn’t seem vulnerable with his hunched back and his vertebrae vaguely showing through the fabric of his shirt. There’s the power of rejection in this raw position and Robert’s throat goes so dry that he can barely answer Benni’s question about what he’s doing there.

“I wanted to give Thomas some tea leaves,” Robert says eventually and his voice is creaky.

Robert watches as Mats shots a meaningful glance at Benni and then at Basti and Lukas and he wishes he had enough power to make the ground open up under him. Mesut and Sami are the only ones who don’t stare at him with wide eyes, like expecting to come up with a big declaration or something, as if it would be so easy to make Thomas forget about the fact that Robert practically turned his life into a mess.

“We were playing cards,” Basti states the obvious after seconds of tense silence and Robert can’t decipher the look in his grey eyes.

None of them says that they can leave if Robert would like to stay alone with Thomas and that’s relieving and frightening at the same time. They’re protective of Thomas and that means that they accepted him as sort of a friend. But not wanting to leave Thomas with him…

“You can put it on the table,” Sami offers and there’s an alteration in his usually calm voice that should tell Robert that something’s bothering him, but he’s too busy with trying to tear away his gaze from Thomas’ motionless figure and do as he was told to.

“I didn’t want to disturb you,” Robert mutters and he doesn’t dare to look at neither of his friends because he’s too afraid of what he’ll see.

He wanders for hours on the cold and decayed corridors and he’s feeling like throwing up.

 

***

 

On the day after Thomas is reading with slightly furrowed eyebrows when Robert enters.

The ever present blanket is covering his back as he’s leaning over the book and his hair is sticking in every direction. The fire colours the curls in a soft auburn and Robert’s fingertips are itching to run across them and check if they’re really as silky as they seem. He only clenches his fist and welcomes the well-known pain of nail digging into the sensitive flesh of his palm.

Thomas doesn’t lift his head and Robert doesn’t say a word, just puts down the bowl of fresh fruit brought straight from the places not yet destroyed by Gigi.

Robert tiptoes to the door and closes it carefully behind himself.

 

***

 

It’s the fifth day and Robert is not sure for how long he’ll be able to continue it.

It doesn’t feel comforting that the candles are still lit up or that Thomas asked Mesut to bring him a certain novel from the library. He expected that it would make him feel better, which is selfish and terrible, because Thomas is the only one who should be consoled.

Thomas is reading again and Robert only wants to find a nice place for the huge vase of wild flowers and then quickly leave and let Thomas be.

But Thomas closes the book and follows Robert’s every movement with an incredibly intense look which causes Robert feel like his skin is too tight and there’s not enough air in the world.

“You can continue reading, I won’t bother you more,” Robert whispers. He expects Thomas to go back to his novel, but those piercing blue eyes are still burning holes in him. Robert tries hard to focus on the light scent of the flowers or the vivid colours of their petals but he’s drawn towards Thomas and their eyes _really_ meet for the first time.

Now it’s not an accident and neither of them is withdrawing.

It’s the blue of the ice and the blue of the summer sky, tying them together for an eternity. Robert sees the fiery determination slowly fade into longing and behind the hate there’s something elusive and light that he yearns to understand, but can’t. Robert knows that his eyes expose him too and Thomas is able to see all the desperation, regret and self-loathing – and eventually the hopeless affection. And even with this knowledge, he can’t break the eye contact.

“You have to stop doing this,” Thomas speaking catches Robert off guard and he feels naked under the fierce gaze still not leaving him.

Thomas doesn’t need to reformulate his words because Robert understands what he means and it’s awful. He looks at the tealights on the table, the books neatly ordered next to the bed, the cup of tea left at the hearth, the half-empty bowl of fruits and then at the flowers in front of him, that suddenly seem to be too luscious and bright.

He doesn’t have the power to tilt his head and look straight in Thomas’ eyes again.

“I just… I wanted to…” Robert can’t form coherent sentences and he feels like there’s nothing in his chest just a big void consuming him.

“You give me little gifts every day and you make yourself believe that it’s enough,” Thomas is quiet, but his words make that emptiness grow and grow until there’s nothing left from Robert but murderous regret. “I saw your expression and I heard you voice and it makes me want to scream. You really think that you can make me forget. You feel like I should be even grateful for you being so generous.”

Robert squeezes his eyes shut and he sees galaxies under his eyelids.

It doesn’t lock out Thomas’ achingly true words.

“You’re not my saviour. Don’t you dare believing that. You fucked up my life and now you act like you’re the one hurt and I should be the one who nicely accepts all your presents and pretend like it didn’t happen.”

“Please,” Robert mumbles and it’s the worst thing he could say because when he finally opens his eyes again there’s crushing, stormy anger darkening Thomas’ eyes.

“How can you even say something like this?” Thomas gasps and every syllable is like a precise, calculated punch in the face which can’t cover the incredible amount of fury boiling under it. “How can you?” Thomas asks again and Robert is shaking.

“Because I love you,” Robert says and there’s stunned silence with sharp edges that can’t be softened by the crackling fire.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading :)   
> I would be extremely happy if you'd let me know what you think, it means SO MUCH. And it's really encouraging <3


	7. all I can do is to follow the tears

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so incredibly much for your beautiful words, your feedback means a lot for me <3  
> I would have liked to update on Sunday, but things are quite busy now, so yeah, I'm a bit late. But there are things happening and relationships developing (kinda) in this chapter and I hope that it was worth the wait :)  
> (and daltonikroos, there's tonisco in the last scene!)

 

**hate. first day of May**

 

“Because I love you,” Robert has no idea how he utters the words, they are just suddenly there, leaving him breathless and harshly unravelled.

His eyes are fixed on Thomas and he shudders when he sees his expression change.

It’s faint nuances at first, the tension in Thomas’ jaw loosens a bit, maybe his pupils aren’t that dilated anymore and his lips are not tightened in a thin line. Then everything becomes more visible when Thomas slightly tilts his head and the frown and fury is washed away by a sharp exhale escaping from his lips. His eyes are wide and he starts trembling.

Robert opens his mouth to say something, but he realizes that the most important thing has been already spilled out, a rough and painfully mundane declaration lacking all the finesse it should have implied. It didn’t sound reassuring as he expected it to and he needs time to think about it, to find a solution, to… But Thomas is still staring at him in a way that makes him aware of every cell of his body and he can’t look away even if the feeling is too intensive and it’s burning him up.

He steps closer instead of retreating and he senses the turmoil radiating from Thomas, it causes a tingling uneasiness run down his spine. Thomas doesn’t move away, he keeps on watching Robert with huge eyes that seem to pierce through centuries’ defensive mechanisms and self-imposed roles and masks until it’s only the very core of Robert’ soul remaining. Tiny, exposed thing overwhelmed by Thomas’ closeness. Drowned in love.

Robert loses every connection to rationality under the intense blue-green gaze. It’s his sky and earth, life and death, _everything_. He takes another step and now he’s less than a meter away from Thomas, who is standing still and Robert searches for the previous hate, he’s afraid that it’s hidden in the shadow of the long eyelashes or in the dip of a barely detectable scar.

It’s not there anymore.

And Robert lets go of some of his fears and Thomas parts his lips. The silence is broken by the loud thumping of their hearts and Robert can’t pick out which one of them moved first, but they’re all of a sudden so close that he can feel Thomas’ breath tickling his cheeks. Robert tilts his head too so that he’s mimicking Thomas and he tries to memorize every fluctuation of his face because it feels like this is the purest moment of his life.

Thomas sighs and Robert can almost taste it on his lips. He leans even closer to Thomas until their foreheads rest against each other and they both close their eyes. Robert doesn’t think about what happened, only this present exists that creates a fragile bubble around them and shuts out everything that’s not their frantic pulse or shaking hand or yearning lip.

Robert doesn’t want this to end, he wants to share this intimacy for the rest of his life and dance on the verge of kissing and not-kissing for an eternity. But Thomas’ fingers brush against his and the tinge of warmness sends Robert over the edge.  

He ghosts over Thomas’ dry lips and it’s just a half-touch, a shy question, glowing excitement spreading in his chest. Thomas’ eyes dart open and the answer is swirling in those endless blues, now a shade darker than before, but they’re not pushing Robert away, they’re welcoming. Oh so _welcoming_. And Robert doesn’t listen to his mind and his soul feels finally, after so many years at home when he…

 

 

He wakes up drenched in sweat.

He gasps for air and reaches for Thomas by his side but he’s alone in his bed and there’s nothing else but cold loneliness choking him.

He feels stinging, mocking tears run down his cheeks.

 

 

***

 

 

“Iker,” Sergio nudges his side gently and leaves a hand lingering on his waist. Iker turns back to look Sergio in the eyes and he sees arched eyebrows clearly waiting for some kind of reaction, something that’s not almost hysterical roaming and hair-fixing.

“I know,” Iker says and he hates himself for losing his calmness so many times during the last weeks, but to his defence, there are rarely so stressful situations he has to deal with. A small war here and there, a disagreement between the gods, love affairs and all that – they don’t cause big problems anymore and he’s usually not involved on this many levels.

He can’t stay calm, no matter how hard he tries and failing to maintain control drives him even crazier.

“Hey, I’m not telling you to cool down,” Sergio pushes Iker down the edge of a chair and rubs his back with comforting motions. Then he starts massaging Iker’s shoulders and the warmness and familiar cosy feeling eases some of his anxiety.

“I’m worried,” Iker mumbles between two lazy strokes and Sergio hums, like he understands everything perfectly just from exploring the tense muscles of his back. “I feel like I won’t be able to make a correct decision if I’m…” he stops and Sergio’s still quiet, he gives Iker all the time he needs for finding the right words.  “I’m too affected personally,” Iker finally blurts out and he doesn’t want to see Sergio wince at his confession.

He feels like he lets down Sergio with this, because it’s not only about Thomas, but also about, well. Gigi. Past lover who didn’t just warm his bed but crawled under his skin and never left.

“Iker,” his name is a mere breath on Sergio’s lips and his heart skips a beat when Sergio doesn’t continue in an angry tone. “You love me, right?”

This question could have sounded pretentious or demanding, but it didn’t, Sergio is affectionate instead and Iker leans back until they’re in an awkward half-hug and his head is resting on Sergio’s shoulder.

“Yeah, I do, but…” Sergio covers his mouth before he can finish the sentence and Iker is tempted to lick Sergio’s palm and he has no idea from where that hint of playfulness comes. Under these circumstances. He doesn’t do anything in the end, because Sergio talks again and Iker feels his deep voice resonate in his own body too.

“Say it again then,” there’s something in the way Sergio speaks that doesn’t allow any more _but_ s.

“I love you.”

“See,” Sergio runs his fingers through Iker’s hair and Iker is sure that there’s a smile playing in the corner of his lips. “We’re okay. So I don’t mind if you still have your memories about Gigi, you can’t erase him from your life. But you’re with me now, aren’t you? We’re together. And it’s the past, no? Don’t worry about this too. I’m not happy that you have to talk with him, but it’s not because I’m jealous or so. I care for your feelings and I’m afraid that you’ll hurt each other even more and you don’t deserve it. Probably he neither. That’s why I’m worried, but I can deal with it and I’ll do my best to support you now and when you come back. Just, focus. You know.”

Iker turns around in his seat and hides his face in Sergio’s chest and his fallen pieces are getting glued together, like always when Sergio’s there.

“I’m…” Iker starts and at first he doesn’t know if Sergio can hear him, but then there’s the softest kiss breathed in his hair along with a _don’t have to say anything, love._ So he doesn’t.

 

 

Iker is still extra nervous when he sees Gigi enter the throne hall. One, two, three, inhale, one, two, three, exhale – he lifts his gaze to see Gigi stare at him with those eyes that can make anyone question their existence in a split second.

“Why aren’t you sitting on your fancy throne?” Gigi asks and Iker is amazed by the amount of bitterness a single question can contain.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Iker says instinctively and he immediately wants to take it back, because calling Gigi ridiculous is like the worst way to start their conversation. “I didn’t mean it like that,” he adds quickly and there were days when a small apology could dissolve the frown from Gigi’s forehead.

Now the wrinkles are staying and the silence tears up carefully hidden memories and Iker knows that he loves Sergio, and Sergio is sweet and warm and soothing, while Gigi is – was – rough and cold and consuming, but… He just can’t forget and he’s so angry at himself and his inability to move on that even he is taken aback by his powerful emotions. 

“I’m ridiculous, obviously,” Iker wishes Gigi didn’t talk. Even the silence is better than his cynicism. “Because I’m still here waiting for you to do something for Thomas.”

It cuts deep and Iker sighs, though it doesn’t relieve any tension or pain, it’s just an automatic reaction to hopelessness.

“What do you want me to say then?” Iker doesn’t pretend to be composed anymore as he lashes out. “That I’m sorry? Yes, I am. Don’t you think that I am disturbed too? Thomas is important for me, and you know what? Even you’re important to me. So I would like to help, I would like to go to Robert right now and hit him until he’s bleeding and hurting real bad because I don’t want to care about his love or what, I just want Thomas back. And I want normality back. I…”

Iker has to stop because he’s out of breath and he realizes it too late that he’s been raising his voice and he shouted the last words in Gigi’s face. Gigi is surprised at his sudden outburst, but at this point Iker has no energy left to actually be concerned about destroying his image.

“I want all this to end. But I’m the goddamn ruler of this fucking world and I’m responsible for so many things. I can’t do what I’m craving to do because we have peace. Fragile peace, but it is something and now there comes Robert and he does a single thing and it’s enough to fuck up what I’m working on every day. And I’m fed up.

I understand your distress and I don’t want you to hurt anymore but you can’t just demolish half the earth. Then come here and say that it’s my fault. Fuck it, I don’t know whose fault it is and I don’t know what we can do.”

“I don’t…” Gigi starts, and Iker’s crumbling and he tries to hold on to the last bits of his sanity, but Gigi’s voice is like a flood, the rush of emotions overwhelm him and he _needs_ to continue talking because he can’t deal it with this alone anymore.

“I’m not finished. I can’t find the right solution because it’s too much a personal problem and it involves you and Thomas and… And I don’t know, maybe they have to go through this alone. Thomas and Robert. With these life threads connected, they need to figure themselves out.

And we can’t intervene and the world shouldn’t suffer because of two people.”

“Because of four people,” Gigi says, very very quietly and there’s a lump building up in Iker’s throat because Gigi admits what Iker already knows, but he’s not brave enough to acknowledge aloud.

That it’s not only about Thomas and Robert, it’s about Gigi and him too.

 

 

***

 

 

Sami is wandering down the long aisles of the library and he knows that he’s pathetic.

He would like to say that it’s purely accidental that he always ends up at the letter _m,_ that it’s just coincidence that his heart sinks when he spots a leather book spine exactly the colour of Mesut’s eyes and there’s no way that he’s started hearing voices – okay, a voice – in the echo of his footsteps.

He’s sulking and he’s aware of it. But he just can’t do anything else, he can’t stay in Basti’s and Lukas’ company to do what he’s supposed to do as an Erynes, because he’s jealous of them. Which is horrible, but he’s longing for the same intimacy they have, he wants to be able to open up about his feelings so naturally too and he wants requited love so badly that it shocks him.

The library is the only place where he can be relatively alone and Toni doesn’t mind it if he’s there the whole day.

His initial goal was to sort his feelings out, but he’s not stupid and he realizes it pretty quickly that there’s nothing to sort out, because he’s deeply fallen for Mesut and he can’t do anything against it.

So here come the walks along the bookshelf labyrinth and he’s probably leaving a path behind himself in the soft carpet, but he’s too caught up in daydreaming about Mesut than to actually care. His mind is bombarding him with images of Mesut staring at him with wide eyes while entertaining Thomas around the hearth and his cheekbones seem so soft and charming that Sami’s close to feeling real pain, he’s yearning so much to kiss them again.

Because since that almost kiss tragedy on the corridor he wakes up every day with the faint taste of Mesut’s skin on his lips and it’s not enough, _so not enough_.

Then Sami remembers the cold fear weighing on his chest as he felt tears under his fingertips and he was sure before that Mesut wanted it too, and still, he was crying and he can barely breathe each time he thinks about hurting him. The only thing he wants is to make Mesut feel loved and to show him that he’s the most precious being and he’s so…

“I can’t watch you mope around anymore,” Sami almost jumps out of his skin when he hears Toni’s voice coming from behind. He mutters a shit under his breath and turns around to look into the librarian’s eyes.

“I’m not…” Sami says, but he stops because Toni’s expression suggests that he won’t believe any kind of excuses and he won’t let him be until he stops wandering aimlessly like a tragic hero. Amazing. “Okay, you tell me what to do.”

“Let’s just sit down,” Toni puts it as a proposal, but Sami knows him well enough to see that he has no choice because when Toni’s determined to do something, in this case to solve Sami’s love life problem, then there’s no place for resistance.

So they sit down at a long oak table and Toni arranges the scattered books in neat piles. Sami feels like a weak mortal would in front of Iker, god of all gods.

“It’s about Mesut, isn’t it? Toni asks, straight to the core of the problem, as always.

“I’m really obvious, huh?” Sami sighs and starts playing with some old manuscripts lying on the table.

“Nice, so your answer is a yes,” Toni raises one of his eyebrows questioningly and Sami grimaces, he doesn’t like being such an open book. Or he would probably like it with Mesut, but damn he would like anything with Mesut.

“Do you love him?”

The question is so straightforward that Sami forgets how to swallow so he starts coughing terribly, and he tries not to choke and avoid Toni’s gaze at the same time.

“So that’s a yes too,” Toni states like it’s the simplest thing on earth. “Does he love you back?” Comes the next question and Sami is not sure if he heard it right between two throat-wrecking coughs.

“I don’t know,” he manages to say and it brings back all his insecurities and guilt.

“Then why don’t you ask him?”

Sami stares at Toni who stares back at him and it’s the strangest conversation Sami has ever had in his long life.

Like what does Toni expect from him? To go to Mesut and tell him that he loves him so much that it’s almost painful? To tell him that he wants to know every tiny detail about him, that he wants to wrap his arms around him when they go to sleep, that he wants to listen to him talk about his day? That he wants their lives to be connected?

“Toni, you’re the worst at counselling.”

Sami doesn’t know how Isco, god of discord, is suddenly there, kissing both of Toni’s cheeks then nuzzling the pale skin of Toni’s neck and flashing a toothy grin at Sami. And Toni is smiling too and Sami hasn’t seen this affectionate smile on his face before and he would find the couple sweet if he wasn’t so freaking lovesick. That.

“Hey, Sami,” Isco sits down next to Toni and leans on his elbows, excitement gleaming in his eyes. “I’m sorry that I was late and I left you alone with Toni, he’s so bad at romances…”

“You planned this?” Sami doesn’t even bother to look like he knows what’s going on.

Toni and Isco nod in unison like it’s reasonable to become alleged relationship advisors.

“By the way I’m not bad at romances,” there’s that smile playing on Toni’s lips again and Sami just can’t. Because Isco blushes and there’s a hickey on his neck, Sami now realizes and he’s also dead sure that that was more than enough information about Toni and Isco as a pair.

“I unsay it,” covers Toni’s hand with his. “So how do you imagine telling Mesut that you love him?”

Sami coughs again.

“I thought you said that Toni’s method wasn’t right,” Sami sounds startled.

“Nah, I didn’t say that. The main idea is the same, you need to talk to Mesut if you don’t want to remain this pathetic for the rest of your eternal life. You know, emphasis on eternal,” Isco winks and Sami rolls his eyes and thinks about Mesut’s soft voice, otherwise he would kick both Isco and Toni under the table. “We just need to work on the details, everything has to be perfect. You should give him flowers. Definitely flowers. Yay, I got so excited.”

Sami eventually kicks Isco in the leg, but they at least make up a plan and yes, Isco’s excitement is infectious.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading :)  
> (and pls don't kill me because of the almost-kiss)


	8. you show me everything my heart is capable of

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. Thank you for the hundredth time for your amazing feedback, it's such a huge inspiration to know that you're interested in this story. Sending you all hugs <3  
> 2\. Yay, an entire chapter of Thomas/Robert, I can't even believe it. I hope I won't let you down with it :)

 

**hate. early May**

 

“Can I come in?”

Thomas looks up from his book and he sees Robert standing in the doorway. His shoulders are hunched and Thomas doesn’t want to notice it because he truly _doesn’t care_ about Robert, but he’s even paler than usual and there are dark circles under his eyes which make him look vulnerable and incredibly tired.

“Do I have a say in this?” Thomas asks back and he didn’t expect to sound this harsh.

But everything is so wrong on so many levels that lashing out is not even an entirely unreasonable attitude. At least that’s what Thomas tells himself, that his circumstances can excuse the fact that he’s been acting entirely different than he usually does. That even he is surprised by his quickly changing moods and the intensity with what he experiences every happening.

He realizes that Robert’s still there and the lights coming from the corridor embrace his frame and the only word that comes to Thomas’ mind is miserable. Cloudy, wide eyes, eyebrows drawn into a constant frown and that sick white of his skin, so light that the blue veins are seeing through. Thomas hates him with all his heart and he tries to suppress that tiny, blossoming feeling of pity in the back of his conscience.

“You have a choice,” at first Thomas thinks that he didn’t hear it right because Robert’s response is a low whisper. Robert’s expectant expression confirms though that he really offered Thomas a choice. His initial reaction is a touch of contentment because he gets the opportunity to decide things for himself, even if it’s such a small question like this.

But then he remembers that it’s been more than a month and he just wants to have freedom and his own life. So the faint positivity is dissolved in a matter of seconds and yes, his mood has gone through a change again. By now Thomas can see his emotional instability from an almost objective perspective and he knows that he’s not acting rationally. But neither does Robert. That’s why he doesn’t need much time to think about an answer and he looks straight in Robert’s eyes as he responds.

“Then no, you can’t come in.”

Thomas feels something heavy settle on his chest as soon as he utters the words and Robert’s raspy, hurt exhale makes it even worse. Thomas bites the inside of his mouth and tastes blood, but the sudden burst of pain stops him from blurting out something that would undermine what he said  previously.

That annoying voice is getting louder with every heartbeat and it’s crawling under his skull that he should feel sorry for Robert, he should feel sorry, he should feel sorry, sorrysorrysorry.

There’s a half nod from Robert and the he leaves the room and closes the door quietly behind himself.

Thomas is left alone with that damn voice yelling in his head.

*

There’s nothing for two days.

Thomas can’t sleep because when he goes to bed he doesn’t get the soothing, dreamless sleep he’s used to. Instead of that there are images of Robert’s sagged shoulders and soul-shattering, sad blue eyes flashing under his closed eyelids and Thomas doesn’t want that. He wants to erase everything that’s Robert from his mind and he wants to go back to early March when his only problem was that he didn’t have enough time to cover every meadow with soft flowers.

Even when he’s awake, he can’t get rid of the thought of Robert.

He feels the cold that hit him hard when Robert first touched him in that terrible dark place and all he knows is furious hate. He craves to make Robert suffer the way he did and his vision almost goes white when he remembers that he felt like fucking dying. That he’s never been that low in his life and the darkness seemed to tear him to pieces and that black fear scarred him for an eternity.

Robert suffering would be the only logical way to revenge himself, but then there was _that_ look in his eyes. When he told Thomas that he loved him which can’t be true because you cannot simply say words like that without ever meeting someone, but still….

Then, right in that moment there was a sudden halt in the flow of time and it was just that – their? – fragment of a second. Thomas forgot about his hate and he really believed that Robert was right. And he felt complete peace and it was so special that his heart could barely support it. Thomas felt like the most important person in the world.

Just to be crushed by the realization that he was basically a prisoner and entirely _freedom-less_ in the place he thought he hated the most. At that moment he quickly brushed away this unsettling feeling of affection, his raging despise he felt towards Robert helped.

But he’s alone a lot.

And these thoughts suffocate him each day and each night and he can’t separate the two images he has about Robert and it drives him crazy. One second he can’t silence the voice in his head and he sees that Robert is lonely and probably broken and he needs someone. Thomas’ romantic heart starts beating faster at that idealistic concept that he can save Robert and he can wash away that marble-like sadness.  

He doesn’t need much time though to see the other side.

He didn’t have a choice in and there’s that uneasiness lingering in the back of his mind that Robert’s just the cruel and heartless god of the underworld who’s just a perfect actor and he’s simply manipulating him. He’s playing with Thomas’ feelings, his desire to be independent and to be able to make his own decisions, all the time. To decide when he wants to feel pity for someone or when he wants to fall for a still unknown love he’s been waiting for centuries. Robert took away that from him and he can’t forgive that.

So most of the time he hates Robert.

It would be much easier if it would be _all the time._

 

*

 

Mesut visits him every day.

He doesn’t talk too much, but his presence helps to push those unwanted thoughts away and for that time span Thomas can really concentrate on the Moirai. Mesut tells him stories about the underworld, about their job as Fates and how difficult it is to choose the perfect moment to end lives. Because even though Mats and Benni and he possess more knowledge about the way human life threads are connected than any other god, they still waver from time to time.

When Mesut says this thing about life threads, Thomas asks what those are. Mesut explains it to him thoroughly and Thomas needs to swallow hard because he feels some strange tug at his chest and he can’t decide whether it’s just one of his mood shifts or something more important.

After Mesut finishes talking Thomas almost asks about his own life cord, because gods might be immortal, but they still have a life cord, right? Mesut opens his mouth as if he senses Thomas’ hesitant question or he has something else to add.

Eventually they change the topic and Mesut starts another story that involves too much Sami, but that faint smile playing in the corner of his lips is so pure, that Thomas doesn’t point out that Mesut is probably hopelessly in love.

 

*

 

Benni also comes quite often, usually accompanied by Mats. They complete each other’s sentences and they seem to fit together so perfectly that it’s almost sickening. But it’s much better than being alone in that huge room, that feels like shrinking into a claustrophobic prison cell when the voice starts its usual rant in his head. So Thomas even joins the couple in coming up with horrendous puns and he finds himself laughing carelessly with head thrown back and his whole body shaking.

Benni and Mats change a quick glance and they seem to be content.

One time Mats has something important to do and it’s only Benni coming with his soft freckles. He looks at Thomas for entire minutes without saying a word, then he asks about the forests and meadows and crop fields and trees and flowers. Thomas is shocked by the question because before this everyone was just tiptoeing around him, carefully avoiding topics that could upset him or make him even more unpredictable and moody. And he gets kind of upset, really, but at the same time it’s such a relieving feeling to finally let the gates crumble and it’s a flood, powerful and cleansing.

Thomas tells Benni everything that comes to his mind, about creating new plants and how the sun gives him life and how beautiful it is to feel the power tickling in his fingertips when a tree grows under his touch… and there are tears welling up in his eyes but he doesn’t care because Benni is such an amazing listener and it helps.

The dull pain of not being free still haunts him though.

 

*

 

It’s been more or less a week since he said no to Robert and he shouldn’t feel guilty.

But he does and it’s so contradicting because his rejection can’t even be compared to a motherfucking _abduction_. Robert is the unholy god of the underworld for the sake of everything and he destroyed Thomas’ life.

He. Can’t. Feel. Sorry. For. Him.

The voice is getting louder and louder and between the blind hate and unsought care there are Mesut’s words echoing and somehow he knows that Robert is as lost as him.

He doesn’t know anymore what the hell is going on.

 

*

 

“Thomas?”

He winces at Robert’s question because he was asking exactly the same when Thomas was still in that dark place and he was freezing to death. Then the tone was much more confident, now it’s like a desperate prayer escaping Robert’s lips and Thomas looks up to see Robert’s silhouette in the doorway again. The circles under his eyes are even deeper than the last time. Apart from that and Thomas’ new friend, that shrieking voice in his head is, nothing has changed.

“What do you want?” Thomas mumbles and he can’t break their eye contact even if he feels like drowning in Robert’s sad blue eyes.

He hates this man, he reminds himself, but the voice is louder. You don’t hate Robert, it yells, you _need to_ save him. Thomas feels like his head will explode.

“Please, can you listen to me one more time? Just a single time?” Robert looks like he’s on the verge of falling apart entirely and the side of Thomas that’s still stuck in that eternal agony, the side that wants revenge would like to watch it with a satisfied grin. To see that Robert loses all hope like Thomas did back then and the lights slowly fade out in his eyes.

Thomas remembers that he’s not like that, that it wouldn’t be _him_. He’s the person who puts others first and cares, his damned soft heart cares too much. And this care is as strong as his wish to be free and to be the creator of his own destiny, so he doesn’t turn down Robert one more time.

He nods and takes place at the hearth.

“Thank you,” the simple words are so full of Robert’s emotions that it’s a miracle that they can still keep their ringing and shape. Robert sits down on the cold floor further away from Thomas and there are ice flowers blossoming on the ground where he touches it.

Thomas leans closer to the fire because he can still sense that aggressive strike of coldness that hit him when Robert grazed his skin and there’s anger spreading in him swiftly, again.

“Don’t expect me to say things. I’ll just listen,” Thomas says and it comes out as ambivalent as he’s feeling right now, repulsive and compassionate at the same time.

“Okay,” Robert fumbles nervously with the sleeve of his shirt and his hands look so incredibly pale against the greyish fabric. Thomas fixes his gaze on the flames and it’s dizzying after a while, but this way he doesn’t lose focus so easily. And he doesn’t have to watch Robert’s insecure body language, that whitewhitewhite skin contrasting the dark clothes, the icy labyrinth unfolding on the ground. The heartbroken longing in his eyes. 

Thomas welcomes the stinging ache in his eyes, the firelight is blinding and the room turns into a vague blur of shapes. He’s still too aware of Robert’s every flinch and shiver and it makes it impossible to listen to his words objectively. He doesn’t want it, but blood’s rushing quicker in his veins and his heart is either frantically beating or skipping entire beats.

Robert’s quiet voice fills his every sense.

“I don’t expect you to see things differently after this, but I need you to know that I wasn’t lying. It’s not an excuse, I know. But I owe you at least this. I just don’t…” there are short pauses when Robert can’t find the right words and Thomas has to squeeze his eyes shut because it’s just too much for him. “I have no idea what else to do.”

Thomas could help Robert out just with an encouraging look, probably. But he’s sure that he won’t be able to bear it anymore then and he doesn’t want to hurt himself even more, so he leaves Robert to deal with his anxiety alone.

This decision hurts too, but at this point, nothing is calming.

“I don’t want to influence you. I try to give you the facts and then… leave. Okay?”

Robert’s hitching breath betrays him and Thomas twitches because after that okay there should’ve been answer from him. A hopeful nod. Something. He just can’t do so, he can’t sort himself out, how could he offer Robert comfort when all those things happened.

“I’m sorry. I know that I’m lucky enough that you’ll listen to me. I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

But you still did it, Thomas almost shouts, pouring his fears and bothering thoughts on Robert’s slumped shoulders. He remains silent.

“It started when Thiago told me about a big change in my life. I understand your hate. That’s not right, I can’t understand it fully, but I can imagine that I perfectly met every kind of expectation that’s connected to my reputation. I’m cruel, I’m only thinking about myself and I’m heartless. It is… it was true. I don’t know anymore. I didn’t have a problem with being alone and being rejected before I heard, I _truly_ heard about you. I just. I have no idea what’s going on.”

Robert clears his throat and Thomas wishes he wouldn’t understand his feeling so well. He should hate Robert, he should continue pushing him as far away as possible, but that honest tone in his voice makes fine cracks in his meticulously built walls.

“Thiago showed me a scene from your life, you were animatedly talking with your friends and you were making a lot of gestures and you were loud and your laughter echoed in the room. It was so bright and. Happy? I haven’t experienced something like that before and there was this strange feeling in my chest, that even though I’ve never seen you in person you felt so important. It was… worrying. My world crashed. Then Thiago started talking about life threads that can be connected and I knew that they exist, but it didn’t occur to me that gods can be affected. It’s like, you’d expect to be above everything, but then the universe comes and… I’m not sure if you heard about these threads, it basically means that…”

“I know what they are,” Thomas whispers and his world turns upside down.

Now the puzzle pieces fall together and he understands this weird feeling of being connected with Robert. Now he sees that them being some twisted soulmates was the reason why he felt Robert approaching when they were taking that walk with Philipp, Xabi and Rafinha. It’s a plausible explanation to everything that’s been bothering him recently and it should be enough.

It’s not.

And Thomas doesn’t have the time to think about it properly because Robert is talking again and Thomas has to focus really hard on the blistering fire because he feels this incredible urge to look at Robert and draw closer to him.

“Oh, I didn’t know. We are connected like that. And after that meeting I began to follow your life. At first it was just some basic information about your interests and friends, but then I woke up each day and my very first thought was you, I wondered what you were doing, how were you feeling and so on. Or when I had to go to the Olympus to talk with Iker, I secretly hoped to bump into you in some fancy corridor of the main palace and then we could fulfill this prophecy that our lives are only half-lives without each other. It never happened. That’s when I started watching you from here, through a mirror, and there was this ever-present excitement in me that yes, one day we’ll truly meet and I will know everything about you and.”

There’s a violent break in Robert’s monologue and Thomas is so full of contradicting sentiments that he can’t even react anymore. He’s numb because he feels it in his guts that Robert is telling the truth and he doesn’t want it to be the truth. He just can’t put up with the idea that Robert’s been following his every step without his permission. Robert had the audacity to break into his personal space and if he wasn’t feeling so worn out he would punch him with all the force he’s got.

“I’ve been doing it for years. Stalking, yes. It sounds awful. Then one day, I don’t know. I felt like if we don’t meet soon something terrible will happen and I was just up there. I wanted to talk to you. Obviously I’m too much a coward for that. So I didn’t ask for your consent and when you were already here I left you in that chamber for hours. I don’t think it’s enough to say that I’m sorry. You can’t forgive me this and I don’t expect that from you. These are the facts. And I know that I fucked up everything because how could I expect you to feel someday the same, if I didn’t give you the freedom of choice. And I made you suffer and I have no one to blame but myself. I knew - I know - what are the most important things for you and still, I only cared about my desires and pathetic dreams and I took away everything you love. It’s…”

That’s the moment when Thomas finally lifts his gaze and through his numbness, he sees that Robert clenches his fists and there are frost drops shining at the tips of his eyelashes.

“I don’t know what else to do now. But I needed to tell you this, to know that when I said that I…” Robert’s trembling so violently that he can’t finish the sentence. Or he’s trembling because he can’t finish the sentence. “I meant it. Even though I did terrible things, I meant it.”

Thomas is empty. He wanted explanations, he wanted Robert’s suffering, he dreamed of someone who believes that he’s special and then, some kind of an apology - and he got all of these. It’s like his soul and body doesn’t even belong together and now even that stupid voice is remaining silent.

Robert blinks quickly and Thomas observes that not every tear is frozen, the small droplets are running down Robert’s cheeks and they draw salty lines that glisten like freshly opened wounds.

“You can go home if you’d like to,” Robert’s voice cracks at least three times as he pronounces the words. “You don’t have to hear about me ever again.”

Thomas’ throat is too dry to respond.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooooooo? *excited look*


	9. take your time coming home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again so so so much for sharing your thoughts with me, it keeps me going <3  
> This chapter turned out very differently from what I've expected and it's the middle of the night, I can't even decide anymore if I like it this way or not. I'm really curious what you think about it :)

**hate, probably. May**

 

Thomas inhales the familiar scent of Gigi’s skin and he completely lets himself melt into the warm hug. His stiff muscles relax for the first time in weeks and it’s so relieving to finally feel _at home_ again that he’s close to tearing up.

Everything seems to be too vivid and too intense after the dim lights of the underworld and it’s overwhelming, in a good way probably. He can’t open his eyes though because the sunlight is blinding and it’s much easier to simply bury his face in Gigi’s chest and just stay like that for long minutes. Listen to the calm heartbeats and pretend like nothing has changed.

“Are you sure that you’re okay?” the worry in Gigi’s deep voice makes Thomas feel really really tiny and he wants to say that yes, things are all right and this month and a half didn’t even happen. But there’s a lump in his throat and he can’t respond so he mumbles something unintelligible in the broad chest and hopes that it’ll be enough.

Gigi strokes his back and Thomas realizes that he missed physical contact incredibly much. Then there’s another question and Thomas tenses, even though Gigi’s hands and the sweet heat radiating from them is meant to be – it really is – soothing.

“Did he hurt you?” Gigi whispers and Thomas presses even closer to him because he doesn’t have an answer and it’s frightening.

Because there was the dark and it was horrible and it hurt so bad that he can feel his lungs burn in terror as he remembers being completely alone. That can never be forgiven. And of course it hurt that he felt like slowly losing himself no matter how many kind-of-friends he met and seeing Robert and hearing his quiet, sad words made everything worse. Still, there’s that voice that talks to him from time to time and a shy feeling blossoming in his chest that doesn’t allow him to say yes.

“Thomas. Did he do something to you?” Gigi reformulates his question and his hands are slightly trembling. Thomas looks up at Gigi and there’s this affection in his eyes that lifts up some painful weight from Thomas’ shoulders because it shows that fortunately there are things that really are the same.

“No, he didn’t,” Thomas says eventually and he’s glad that the slight shake in his voice can be explained with tiredness and it hides that he has no idea what’s going on between him and Robert. “I’m alright. Worn out and a bit dizzy with the strong lights, but alright.”

He doesn’t sound convincing, but it’s better than pouring his full ocean of uncertainty on Gigi because then Gigi would either go and kill Robert for hurting Thomas or he would consume himself with trying to find a right solution to all the problems. The only thing Thomas wants is to forget and live his life the way it was before, without having to think about Robert and life cords and freedom of choice and anything like that. He doesn’t need to mess up Gigi’s life even more.

“Let’s just not talk about it, please. I’m back now and that’s what matters.”

Gigi hums in response and goes on with running his hands up and down Thomas’ back. His hug is a little less tight and Thomas wants to believe that it’s because they both accept that it’s fine and they’re as okay as they can possibly be.

He also wants to believe that he can deal with his unsettling thoughts alone.

 

***

 

They organize a fancy ball to welcome Thomas back and Philipp doubts it from the very first second that it’s a good idea.

But everyone is really excited and after the edgy atmosphere of the last weeks most of the gods only want to celebrate. Thomas is back, Gigi has no more reason to make people suffer, the fragile peace is restored, there’s nothing not to celebrate about. And seemingly everyone is enjoying the party but Philipp can spot even the smallest tinge of discomfort from miles so the details don’t skip his attention.

He sees that Gigi and Iker are trying to avoid each other like plague, Sergio isn’t his usual easy going self, Thiago’s brows are constantly furrowed and under the surface of the lively chatters there’s still some lingering tension. Philipp is sure that his fellow Olympians will be able to hide this uneasiness for the rest of the night, in the end they’re masters of pretending like things are always okay. If he only had to think about the rest of the gods, Philipp wouldn’t be so concerned.

Thomas’ smile is what makes his stomach twist.

At the beginning of the celebrations Thomas had his trademark grin on and he was joking around like nothing was wrong and people played along with him until the whole night turned into this terrible theatre play. Philipp knows that it’s because Thomas is probably one of the few gods who doesn’t get into confrontations all the time, he’s just too likeable for that, so the others just want to make him feel cared for, in a way. He’s sure that Thomas appreciates the initiative.

But the grin is not genuine anymore and Philipp has to realise it bitterly that his initial suspicion turns to be right. This is not how Thomas should be re-integrated after being basically kidnapped, which is a real big thing even though Thomas acts like it’s not.

Philipp has been watching him for hours and his worries are growing as Thomas is still telling stories and he’s laughing and always has like three people around him. Thomas most likely thinks that he has to meet some expectations; he feels the need to look carefree and easy to be around, like he was in March and the years before.

Philipp feels an incredible urge to grab Thomas’ shoulders and tell him that it would be perfectly understandable to look a bit lost or confused, because he was abducted, goddamnit, he can’t be okay. No one would have a problem with it because their relationships might be puzzling and demanding, but they’re some sort of a weird family and there are times when even the gods can put away their hurt and misunderstandings, just to help each other out. It rarely happens, but it also rarely happens that Robert simply keeps someone captive for weeks.

So, Thomas has every right to show signs of change, he doesn’t have to stick to the way things were before his stay in the underworld.

Philipp’s head hurts and he suspects that Thomas’ neat façade is not far from crashing down.

“Would you mind joining me for a walk?” Philipp decides that it can’t go on like this any longer and he draws Thomas in the direction of the exit. Manu and Joshua, whom Thomas was talking to before send him a grateful look and Philipp is pretty sure that they’re as worried for Thomas’ well-being as he is.

They get out of the crowded ball room and Thomas lets out a deep sigh when they reach the alley that leads through the big park surrounding their homes.

“It’s nice to breathe in some fresh air,” Thomas says after minutes of silence and Philipp slowly shakes his head because he didn’t bring Thomas out there to start small talk.

He knows people in general, it would be difficult to be the god of wisdom without that. Then there’s Thomas, one of his closest friends whom he also knows very well and it hurts a bit that Thomas doesn’t take this into consideration and continues pretending like Philipp doesn’t see perfectly through it.

“You can talk to me if you need to, you should know,” Philipp is the first person since the start of the party who doesn’t join the game and stops acting.

Thomas stares at him with a hint of fear in his eyes and Philipp wants to hug him and ask about everything that happened in the underworld at the same time. His friend is scarred and he _needs_ to know why.

“I’m…” Thomas starts but stops immediately under Philipp’s intent gaze. He must sense that Philipp won’t believe that he’s fine and he won’t hide his thoughts on it like the others did.

“It’s alright if you’re not the same, Thomas,” Philipp puts a hand on Thomas’ shoulder and leaves it there while they continue walking, the lights of the main palace are not that bright anymore. “Nobody expects that from you.”

“I expect that from myself, okay?”

Thomas is staring at their feet and he turns his head away so that he doesn’t have to look in Philipp’s eyes. He doesn’t shake off Philipp’s hands, at least.

“If it makes you feel better, then I’ll tell you that I’m okay with that. But when you feel like talking about what happened, I’m here.”

Philipp waits for an answer in silence and he feels as Thomas’ shoulders lose their self-imposed straightness and drop under his touch. Then Thomas realizes that he let his walls down and he immediately corrects his posture and Philipp’s heart sinks at the small movement because it means that Thomas won’t open up and he’ll remain stubborn.

“I want to forget it, Philipp,” Thomas mutters and he sounds broken.

Then he starts talking about how he could improve the park with some new trees and listening to it is the most painful thing ever.

 

***

 

Thomas starts to think that he can really manage to only focus on the _now_.

It’s May so he finds a lot of work for himself, he’s visiting new places with Gigi and they try to repair what has been destroyed. At first it’s strange to feel the sun kiss his skin again and to smell the scent of wild flowers, but it opens whole new perspectives and Thomas smiles as he realizes that he’s been so used to these aspects of his life that he couldn’t enjoy them properly.

His eyes hurt because of the strong sunshine and the sensations overwhelm him, but it gets better day after day and he can see everything a bit differently, with more enthusiasm.

When he’s not with Gigi out on the fields, then he visits all his friends.

He spends a day with Rafinha and they go wandering and Thomas doesn’t even care that he has to listen to every detail of their developing relationship with Marc-Andre. By the end of the day he can quote every word the god of dreams ever told to Rafinha by heart, but that’s fine and he suppresses the feeling that he misses something similar from his life and he tries to be really happy for his friend.

Xabi and Stevie invite him over for dinner and they only chat about nonsense for hours.

He goes to Jerome too and they barely talk, but sharing this comfortable silence with Jerome is calming, the sound of waves crashing into rocks doesn’t allow him to think about anything else but the present.

He plays cards with Manu and Philipp and he pushes back the image of playing the same game in the underworld to the back of his mind.

Thomas does the same when he’s at Carlo’s to taste his newest wine and they end up at the hearth from where the flames for his underworld fire were taken. He doesn’t want to remember and he’s close to succeeding in it.

He even meets up with Iker and they share some ideas on Thomas’ new project, redesigning the palace garden.

It almost feels like it’s enough and he’s content with his life.

 

***

 

Thomas can only sleep with the lights on and he can’t support very dark places because then the thin hairs stand up on his nape and he feels cold crawl under his skin.

He can’t breathe if it’s too dark.

 

***

 

“What happened?”

Philipp pulls him in the house and Thomas can’t answer his question because he’s shivering so hard. Philipp wraps warm blankets around him and pushes him down on a sofa. He makes themselves hot tea and Thomas enjoys that the cup is burning his skin as he cradles it in his hands.

He doesn’t look at Philipp who’s sitting at the other side of the sofa and silently drinks his tea, allowing Thomas all the time he needs for explaining what’s wrong. The thing is that it’s more likely that their immortal lives end than Thomas finding a way to blurt out everything that’s been bothering him ever since he met Robert.

“I can’t do this any longer,” Thomas says after finishing half of his tea and he’s sure that Philipp knows what he’s referring to.

Philipp stays quiet and he doesn’t tell Thomas that he was right during their late night walk in the park and he already knew then that pretending that things are okay and unchanged won’t ease any traumas.

“I don’t want to be so much different than I was before, but I can’t help it and I don’t know what’s going on with me and I hate these and…” Thomas’ eyes meet Philipp’s and it’s shockingly calming because Philipp has this aura that suggests that even being close to him might give solutions to unanswered questions. “I came here to talk about it but I don’t know anymore if I can do it,” he says finally and Philipp slowly nods.

“Would you like me to ask some questions? Maybe that would help,” Philipp offers and Thomas is still terribly tense, but somehow Philipp’s mere presence gives him a faint flash of hope.

“It’s about Robert,” the words fall out of Thomas’ mouth and it’s unexpected and the name tears up every memory that has been carefully locked away since his return.

The look in Philipp’s eyes tells Thomas that his friend has never ever doubted that it’s all about Robert.

“Did he force you into doing something?” Philipp asks and inches closer to Thomas. “I mean apart from taking you with him.”

Thomas drinks all of his tea before answering.

“No, nothing like what you’re thinking about happened. He almost killed me with his touch on the first day. I think he freezes everything around him when he’s emotionally instable and yeah, I hate ice,” Thomas plays with the cup in his hands and he’s never felt this disrupted, the voice that tells him that he should sympathize with Robert is back after long days of silence and with that comes the whole flood of ambivalent emotions that he’s been repressing.

“Did he tell you about his reasons?” comes the next question.

“He told me that…” Thomas can’t finish the sentence because he still can’t believe that Robert actually told _that_ and he really meant it too.

“That he loves you?” Philipp asks and Thomas winces. It sounds wrong to hear it again and he feels tears prickling in the corner of his eyes.

“He can’t feel like that, Philipp,” Thomas is past the point where he cares about being unravelled, he trusts Philipp and he can’t keep it for himself anymore because it eats him alive. “He doesn’t even know me. He said that he followed me from a mirror that can show you anything that’s happening on earth and I hate him for it. Then he took away my freedom and expected me to accept gifts meant as apologies. And he told me that, you know. But Philipp,” Thomas knows that he’s desperate. “It’s only because Thiago told him that our life cords are connected, before that he probably didn’t even know that I’m alive. But then he convinced himself that I’m meant to be his or something like that. Oh fuck, I hate this, I hate this so much. See, it’s not about _me_ , it’s about some damn prophecy. And the worst is that since he told me about this I don’t know what I am anymore.”

Philipp pulls him in a hug and Thomas realizes that he’s practically sobbing, but now that he’s started talking he can’t stop so he squeezes his eyes shut and hopes that Philipp’s embrace can anchor his rhapsodic soul and he won’t rip his own heart to bits if he tells his insecurities.

“I don’t know what are the parts that are really _me_. Like my goddamn romantic heart was waiting for someone for centuries and I dreamt of stupid happy ends, but it never happened. And now there’s a voice in my head that keeps yelling that I should be there with him and be the one who saves him from loneliness and show him that he’s not cruel and. It has only started when he told me our intertwined life threads. It’s just my mind putting these two things together, it’s killing me with the idea that Robert is the one that I’ve been waiting for. But it can’t be, Philipp. It’s not him that I want, it’s just some screwed up version of my dreams, a distorted extension of myself _._ It’s not really _me_ , I didn’t have a choice in this and I…” he’s crying so hard that his whole body is shaking and he can’t continue speaking.

Philipp draws circles on the small of his back and brushes away a damp lock from his forehead. He continues doing so until the sobbing settles a bit and Thomas can talk again with his tear-filled voice.

“It’s not about us. This whole thing he believes in and my brain tries to make me believe is just the fantasy that because our cords are somehow connected we are destined for each other,” his tears seem to be choking him. “It’s like we’re some puppets and the universe is playing some cruel game with us, like you’ve got no decision in it…”

Thomas pulls away from Philipp’s hug and wipes his swollen, teary eyes with the sleeve of his shirt. His breathing is raspy and it’s like his chest has been opened up and then left with this huge empty hole in it.

“It can’t be like this,” Thomas says. Then an ugly sob skips his mouth and it’s not even embarrassing anymore.

Philipp gives him tissues and refills his cup with lukewarm tea. Thomas can barely see his expression through the tears and the silence is only broken by his slowly fading crying.

“Maybe you should find it out, if you can put your hate away and see _Robert_ without this voice in your head and the expectations of these threads, there might be a chance that…”

Philipp doesn’t end his sentence, but Thomas understands.

He just can’t think of anything because he feels like bleeding out and with every tear there’s a part of him gone, until there’s nothing remaining of him. He can’t stop crying though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo? There wasn't Thomas' POV for a while, but now that I started writing him in the last chapter I felt it necessary to continue with his feelings, because it's just a lot. And he needs time and supporting people like Gigi or Fips. I hope your okay with this :)


	10. let's go back to the start

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a little shorter than usually, but I really hope that he content makes up for it. Please let me know what you think :)

 

**hate** **-ish, last days of May**

 

Robert can’t believe that he’s actually there in front of Thomas’ door with his heart pounding so hard in his chest that it’s probably louder than his insecure knock.

Because Thomas may not open the door if he senses that Robert is out there. Or he opens it and then hate takes over his peaceful expression and that will be enough for Robert to fall apart. Maybe he appears in the doorframe and he doesn’t say a word just shuts the door right in Robert’s face. He cries for help and the whole Olympus runs there and Robert won’t be able to put on the mask of his infamous coldness, he’ll be exposed in the headlight of attention and he will be helpless, even more than now.

He doesn’t even think about the possibility of Thomas welcoming him because how could he. He probably only wants to be alone and live his life as it was before, Robert is the last person who should intervene – again. And he tried with all his strength not to, but there’s a pull, an insistent attraction that doesn’t let him stay in the underworld, being so far away from Thomas almost causes physical pain. A nice addition to the constant, dull ache around his heart. So he’s here standing hopelessly in the door even if he knows it very well that he’s just making things worse .

It doesn’t even occur to him that it won’t be Thomas who opens the wooden door.

Instead of him, it’s Philipp and his appearance is so surprising that Robert forgets how to breathe. He wants to disappear, but he simply _can’t,_ he’s not emotionally stable enough for that and it’s disappointing and he’s really close to hating himself even more.

Philipp stares at him and it’s sickeningly intense, they haven’t met in such a long time that Robert forgot that it takes only a few seconds and Philipp sees through anything, nothing can remain hidden under that soul-opening gaze. Robert feels uncomfortable as control slips out of his hands and he just doesn’t know what to do.

“I expected you,” Philipp finally says and Robert’s lungs and throat burns when a sharp exhale leaves his lips. Philipp’s voice is neutral and so is his expression, Robert has no idea what he means by that, _expected_ because his presence is needed or _expected_ in a wrong way, _expected_ like a recurring, stubborn illness.

“I came to Thomas,” Robert manages to say and the name comes out as a desperate plea, his questions, doubts and most of all, the longing to just be around Thomas is swirling in that single word.

Philipp’s eyes light up.

“I’m glad,” there’s a faint smile and a fond look on Philipp’s face and Robert is clueless and he’s sure that it’s a fucked up game, this can’t be true. He isolated himself from the rest of the gods long centuries ago, he only interacts with them when it can’t be avoided anymore and he can’t solve the problem alone or with the help of those in the underworld. He doesn’t want to look in their eyes and see that he’s a failure because of the things that happened so so much time ago, that made him come to the decision that it’s better for everyone if they part ways and...

“Nice to see you,” Robert flinches when he hears this and he searches for the pity he’s used to seeing written all over the Olympians' faces on those rare occasions when he talks to them, but there’s just softness. It catches him off guard and it’s scary.

“Excuse me?” that’s the only thing Robert can ask.

“It’s nice to see you, that’s all,” again, overflowing warmth which is illogical taken in consideration what has Robert done. Years ago, that’s one thing. But then he kidnapped Thomas, he took away one of Philipp’s best friends and Philipp should be furious at least. He should attempt to revenge Thomas and Robert would accept it in a way because he deserves it, really.

“But I…” Robert starts and the memory he’s just about to recall sends shivers down his spine, he curses his past self though he’s been through this many times and he knows that it doesn’t ease the weight of the knowledge that he hurt Thomas. Philipp doesn’t let him continue.

“I know, okay? I’m not over the moon and I know that you want to say that I should hate you, but Robert, I don’t,” Robert casts down his eyes, it’s so unreal to hear things like this and the uneasiness is still there, but now there’s another feeling spreading in his chest. “I kind of see things from a different perspective now.”

Robert doesn’t react and he begins to overanalyse everything again and his mind comes up with millions of explanations for Philipp’s different perspective, none of them being comforting.

“I don’t agree with what you did, but as I see, you don’t love yourself for that either,” Philipp raises an eyebrow and Robert looks at him with wide eyes that probably make him even more an open book. “But if you’re here for what I hope you are, then you should know that I’m okay with it.”

Robert gasps. Philipp smiles.

“I would like to start it all over again. If Thomas gives it a chance,” there’s a slight break in Robert’s voice as he only outlines the better outcome, even though just minutes ago he didn’t dare to think that it would ever happen. Philipp’s smile makes it seem possible that Thomas won’t reject him and this weak hope will break his heart, but he can’t dismiss it.

“Fips, who is here?” Thomas shouts from the distance and it comes out of the blue, the crushing weight of countless what-ifs is back again on Robert’s shoulders.

Philipp doesn’t answer Thomas because at first he leans closer to Robert and behind the kindness there’s a threatening edge as he speaks.

“I’ll leave you here with Thomas, but I hope that you don’t do anything foolish. If you hurt him…” he doesn’t have to finish the sentence, Robert involuntarily whispers back that he wouldn’t, he would never ever hurt Thomas again.

Philipp nods before he yells back to Thomas.

“You should come and see. I have to go, okay?”

Philipp suddenly disappears and there’s only a light breeze that assures Robert that he’s been really having a conversation with the tiny god and it wasn’t just a dream. He has very little time to pull himself together because Thomas’ footsteps are approaching and then he’s there and Robert’s world explodes.

There’s nothing special about Thomas’ looks, but Robert still drinks in every detail like his life depends on it. His hair is a bit longer now and kinda curly and Robert’s fingertips are itching to run through them and see if they’re truly as soft as they seem to be. He’s a little less pale and his skin looks like he’s radiating some stolen sunglow and it’s mesmerizing, Robert could spend days with just taking in this sight.

“What are you doing here?” Thomas sounds shocked and his hands are lingering on the doorknob like he can’t decide what to do, let Robert talk or simply close the door and act like Robert’s visit didn’t even happen.

Robert sighs and his nails dig into his palm as he tightens his fists and they sting and might be bleeding when he releases the pressure, but he doesn’t look down, he keeps watching Thomas.

It could be the last time he sees him.

“I would love to get to know you,” Robert says.

He had the sentence perfectly formulated, he spent weeks on picking the right words for it, but it strikes him that when the words are finally said out loud they start living their own life, they fill the tense silence and the distance between Thomas and him and they reveal everything. It should’ve been a polite question, but it ends up so differently. It’s like Robert tearing out his heart and soul and offering it to Thomas, hoping that the void left in its place will be filled, maybe maybe maybe.

“Why,” Thomas is so quiet that Robert can’t pick out if it’s a statement or a question, the only thing he can be sure of is that the hurt is still there in Thomas’ eyes and it’s there because of him. “You said that you already know a lot of things about me.”

There’s a lump building in Robert’s throat as he sees a painful expression overtake the previous peace on Thomas’ features. It shouldn’t be that way.

“I was wrong and I’m sorry,” Robert hates that his apology can’t convey that he’s really, truly _sorry_ and he wishes Thomas would understand. Since he’s left Robert barely slept and during those sleepless hours he replayed their conversations until they became a never-ending loop of his conscious yelling in his head that he’s got everything wrong. “I thought that I know you, but I don’t, I only know an image that I created and perhaps a few glimpses of _you.”_

“Aren’t you only interested in the Thomas of your imagination,” Thomas sounds so weak yet again that there’s no intonation at all in what he says. And Robert hopes it so badly that it’s only the lighting or the shortcoming of his eyes that are not used to bright sunlight creating the illusion that the warm colour of Thomas’ skin is quickly fading into paleness again.

Robert could stick to his plan and try to hide his feelings, but his chest is already ripped open and Thomas’ wide, expectant eyes are waiting for an answer, and he deserves honesty after the things he had to go through because of Robert.

“I believed that,” Robert’s hands might be shaking and his sleeves are getting covered with a light layer of ice as he completely leaves his comfort zone and decides to let Thomas know about every torn and twisted feeling that’s consuming him. “But after you came back here, I realized that I was incredibly wrong. I wanted you to be okay, not the imaginary you that I glued together from the images I saw in the mirror, but the one who you really are. I just…” he stops for a moment to collect himself. “I just fucked it up when I thought that the mere existence of our connected life threads entitles me to burst into your life. I didn’t even consider the option that you can have a whole different view on this.”

“What do you want me to do then,” another melody-less question from Thomas and he leans against the door and closes his eyes, his long eyelashes are like butterfly wings fluttering on his cheeks.

“Would you like to…” Robert hates the too familiar feeling of tears welling up in the corner of his eyes. “Would you like to start everything again?”

Thomas’ eyes dart open and he seems like he can’t comprehend the meaning of what Robert actually asked.

There’s heavy silence and Thomas furrows his eyebrows and his chest is frantically rising and falling. Robert’s skin feels too tight and the ice reaches his upper arms and coldness sneaks under his clothes as well and it inches closer and closer and closer to the place where his tortured heart is.

His mind stops projecting the usual myriad variations of events, he’s not sure if there’s still a piece of logic left somewhere in him. He’s a big mess of feelings and hopes, oh so many hopes and they’re all revolving around Thomas. Whose lips are slightly parted, a flush colours his pale cheeks red and his knuckles are marble white as they grip the knob.

The silence is suffocating. It’s too much, a matter of life and death even.

Thomas opens his mouth and Robert keeps in his breath, but the silence is still there and Thomas bites his lips instead of answering. The ice is almost at Robert’s neckline.

And then there’s an insecure half-nod from Thomas, a fragile _yes_ that means the world to Robert.

His initial reaction is to step closer to Thomas, but he abruptly stops in the middle of the motion because he’s covered in ice and Thomas hates ice and he only wants the best for him and…

“Robert,” it’s the first time Thomas utters his name and it’s hoarse and raspy and just a tiny whisper, but it’s the most beautiful thing he’s ever heard. It grows a small pool of warmth in the middle of all the ice that’s surrounding him.

Then Thomas opens the door completely and steps away from the entrance. Robert stares at him, still not entirely believing that it’s real, that Thomas has given him a second chance. To go back to the start.

“You can…” the words come out smoother this time and Thomas makes a vague gesture with his trembling hand towards the inside of his home. “Come in.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These last two and a half chapters have been all Thomas/Robert, but I'd like to go back to switching between storylines from now on. Which characters are you intereseted in? About who would you like to read more? Of course, these two suffering lovebirds will get their parts too, a lot as a matter of fact. I just don't know on which pairings should I focus more apart from them :)


	11. you give me this feeling, this everglow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, it's been a while :) I have so many things to do, I hope that I can keep up with updating kind of regularly until the end of December. After that - theoretically - it should get only less busier.  
> I know that I said in some comments that I'll be posting an extra long chapter, but it just didn't turn out that way. I started writing this samisut scene and it was only meant to be half of the chapter, with the other half continuing where I left Thomas and Robert, but well, my muse doesn't really know what collaboration means. So this is almost 3k Mesut/Sami and it's a lot different than I expected, but I think I ended up liking it.  
> Anyway, hopefully we'll see each other in a week with our favourite suffering couple :)  
> Oh, and again, thank you thank you thank you for being here and giving so much positive feedback <3

**between. late late May**

 

 

“Sami’s going on a dateee, Sami’s going on a dateee,” Lukas singsongs and Sami recognizes the melody of some old human song between the terribly false notes.

“I wouldn’t call it a date,” Sami mutters and he doesn’t even believe himself because there’s been this lovesick smile on his face for the last two hours and he’s somehow in front of the mirror again checking if his hair is still perfect. It is.

“Oh, it’s definitely a date,” Basti smirks and Sami has nothing else to say, so he just beams at his reflection and savours the tingling excitement that’s gradually building up in his chest. Basti sends Lukas an all-knowing look and he raises a blonde eyebrow. Sami doesn’t bother to roll his eyes, not even when Lukas changes the verses of his so-called song and now he’s singing with closed eyes and utter devotion that _Sami is loveeeeesiiiick._ Basti looks at Sami expectantly like he’s ready to hear some kind of an objection, but Sami can’t really protest because Lukas’ singing talents might be disastrous for the ears, but well, what he sings is true.

“Aren’t you annoyed?” Lukas interrupts his one man show and when he opens his eyes and stares at Sami he really seems to be concerned. Usually Sami is the one who’s scolding the others for not being focused or joking around too much, but now he’s lost in his thoughts and the content half-smile is never leaving his face.

“Oh my goodness, you’re totally lost,” Basti exclaims and he laughs in disbelief. Lukas is practically radiating proud father feels and his cheeks might hurt from grinning so hard.

Sami shakes his head and inspects his looks for one last time before leaving the room because it’s finally time to meet Mesut. The simple thought of it makes his heart sink and it doesn’t help at all that instead of wishing him luck Basti asks if they’ll be invited to the wedding.

“Go fuck yourself,” Sami responds when he’s already halfway down the hall and Lukas’ throaty laugh filling the building is more than enough for an answer. They are even more annoying than usually, but Sami has to admit that without Lukas and Bastian he would’ve gone mad in the past week. Robert was useless and that meant that the Moirai had to do a lot of shit Robert was responsible for and it resulted in this seemingly never ending wait of seven freaking days from their first real conversation until today. Lukas, that little shit got it right, it is a date.

And Sami’s heart is doing double backflips and he can almost hear the blood thumping in his ears because they’re going out together and it’s going to be a full day spent with nothing but Mesut, the sweetest and purest thing that has ever existed. Again, his stupid friends might have guessed it correctly, he’s lost indeed.

But how could he not when his legs are getting weak just from thinking back to the extremely awkward moment of meeting Mesut in front of the big palace.

It was late in the day and Isco had _investigated_ – he used this exact word and he had a wide grin plastered on his face and Toni was looking proudly at him – in order to find out when Mesut usually leaves. He also managed to get some information about Mesut's taste in flowers, god knows how and On the Big Day of Initiating a Conversation with Mesut, Toni appeared at Sami’s house with a neatly organized bluebell bouquet.

So Sami was sitting on the stairs of Robert’s monumental palace where the Moirai spent most of their time and he was staring hopelessly, alternating between the dimly gleaming Styx and the ridiculous bouquet of flowers. He felt stupid.

Then he heard the creaking of the entrance and as he turned back, Mesut was there and he seemed to be utterly exhausted and he had dark circles under his eyes, but Sami was totally spellbound. He was usually graceful and collected, but when their eyes met he stumbled on his feet because there was this blush spreading like wildfire from Mesut’s neck up to his cheeks and it brought back every memory of tracing the same soft skin with kisses and well. The flowers almost fell out of his hands.

He somehow pulled himself together and mumbled some slurred apology for hurting Mesut, because he didn’t want to, he truly, really didn’t want to and he was so sorry. He handed the bluebells to Mesut who was even more flushed and Sami would’ve sworn on his life that the rosy colour made his cheek sparkle and glow.  For a painfully long minute he just stood there with his hand extended and the bouquet helplessly hanging in the air and Sami could only hope that half of his feelings were reflected in his eyes.

But then Mesut reached out for the bluebells and their fingers touched for a split second and Sami felt like he would’ve died happily right then because he finally felt fulfilled and at peace. He needed a single touch from Mesut for that.

Then a shy, very small smile appeared on Mesut’s lips and he quietly asked if Sami knew that bluebells symbolised everlasting love. Sami gasped and cursed that dumbass Isco and Toni in his mind because they probably knew. He shook his head hesitantly because he was sure that it was the end of everything, they haven’t even started a relationship kind of thing but he already fucked it up because flowers, really. Suddenly it all felt too intrusive and even insulting in a way because he made Mesut cry and giving him a couple of bluebells was simply pathetic.

Sami’s doubts were washed away by the tiniest of frowns appearing between Mesut’s eyebrows and he asked, in a slightly bit shaking, but warm and smiley tone if Sami wanted to take him out. And Sami would have never ever thought that that could be happening, but it apparently was and his brain could barely process the information that Mesut was willing to go on a date with him.

Okay, if imagining an actual date was difficult, then standing in Mesut’s door to pick him up for their trip to Athens – _the_ _actual date_ – was almost unconceivable. Yet there he is, this time without flowers.

 

*

 

Mesut flinches at the strong, late May sunlight slipping through the shadows of the narrow street.

Sami appears next to him right away and Mesut feels just so _happy_ when he sees his expression because even though he’s not hundred per cent sure about everything, Sami’s deep dark eyes are encouraging and patient. They’ve been waiting a lot for this and Mesut has no idea how he gathered enough courage to dive into this whole new thing, to give a chance, at first line not even necessarily to Sami, but to himself. And Sami seems to understand and his tender patience is overwhelming.

“Which way would you like to go?” Sami asks and straightens the white linen of his chiton which should look strange on him because they usually wear simple pants and shirts when they’re not among people. It doesn’t, of course and Mesut has to remind himself that it’s not polite to glare at Sami with huge eyes and uneven breaths.

“You can lead me,” Mesut responds and Sami shrugs which is the worst thing that can happen because it highlights how stunning his shoulders are and Mesut already knows how those arms feel wrapped around his waist. He forgets that exhaling is vital. “Maybe we could go to the Agora?” Mesut adds a little later when they’re walking down the street and he can hardly recognize his own voice. He hasn’t been breathing properly since they’ve arrived to the city and the houses are so close that he has to walk behind Sami and the only thing he sees is that wide wide wide back with beautifully contracting muscles. So he sounds sultry and by the way Sami abruptly stops, he can also hear the unusual hoarse edge in Mesut’s voice.

“We’re almost there,” Sami says and his back tenses again and Mesut blesses the chiton which is covering half of Sami’s endless, milky coffee skin because if it wasn’t for the fabric he would’ve lost his mind. “Are you okay?”

Sami looks behind to see Mesut who feels his cheeks burn again, he’s in a constant state of blushing and fluttering heartbeats when they’re this close to each other.

“Yeah, I’m alright,” Mesut whispers and he’s not lying because he feels well, simple like that. “It’s just your…” he blurts out and Sami turns back for a second time, he even stops in the middle of the street and an angry man tries to shove him away because he’s blocking the way. But a short, icy look from Sami is enough for him to quickly change his mind and leave them alone. When Sami switches his attention back to Mesut the coldness is nowhere to be seen and his eyes are so incredibly soft that Mesut involuntarily smiles, it just warms his heart.

“My what?” Sami asks back and it returns Mesut to reality.

“You look great in the chiton,” Mesut says and it sounds more like a single world than an articulated sentence and it’s a pretty cringeworthy compliment but Mesut has never been good with words and he’s been avoiding socialization for the most part of these last centuries. He is rusty and blunt while Sami’s smooth and endearing.

A quiet gasp escapes Sami’s full lips and Mesut can almost feel them again on his shoulders and neck and getting closer and closer to the corner of his lips. He hates his own imagination for not stopping there, where they stopped in real life.

“Thank you,” Sami smiles and there’s an almost predatory glimpse in his eyes which maybe a year ago would’ve made Mesut uncomfortable, but now it’s just exciting and even though he’s still a little bit embarrassed, he’s glad that he said it out loud. “You’re _sweet_ in yours,” Sami practically smirks at the _sweet_ part and Mesut has never felt this way before. They are flirting for god’s sake.

They continue to the Agora and the road gets wider so they can comfortably stroll with just a few inches separating them and the people are so busy as they approach the heart of the city that they don’t even notice that he and Sami follow a much slower rhythm. A rhythm that allows their hands to occasionally brush against each other and there’s a dreamy smile on their faces.

“Nobody ever told me that I’m sweet,” Mesut doesn’t know how much time has passed since they last broken the silence. The city is noisy around them, orators are yelling, women are negotiating with merchants and men are talking about politics in the shadow of the oil trees scattered all around the Agora.

They stop again in the middle of the endless flow of people and it’s such a magical moment. For the first time neither of them breaks eye contact because now there’s nothing against them, Mesut doesn’t care about his lack of experience or his doubts and he feels more confident. There are countless possibilities in Sami’s swirling dark eyes and Mesut would’ve never expected it, but he feels ready to try out each of them. His silent realisation leaves both of them breathless. People are bypassing them and Mesut is not sure whether it’s because they feel their immortal presence or because it’s simply easier to reach their destination without stopping to argue with two strange men who cannot contain their feelings, not anymore.

The sun is shining like it’s midsummer and not spring and the Acropolis is a dazzling pearl above their heads, but for Mesut the whole world is reduced to their small bubble, he can only see Sami’s affectionate look.

They don’t speak, Sami doesn’t tell him that he’s glad that he can be the first one to say endearments to Mesut, he doesn’t tell that it’s a pity that no one else said something like this before, he doesn’t continue with sweet little nothings, reassuring Mesut about how precious he is. And Mesut doesn’t tell him that he’s been waiting for this for terribly long time, that he’s still uncertain about a lot of things and he’s far from sure if he’s able to function in a relationship, or if he’s ready to make further steps any time soon. They don’t have the right words, but they start walking at the same time and their little parallel world doesn’t get ruined and their fingers touch lightly.

That’s more than enough.

 

Sami buys him a golden bracelet from the stand of an Egyptian merchant and they sit down under a tree, close to a fountain to try it on.

“I can’t put it on my right wrist with my other hand,” Mesut gives back the bracelet to Sami and it seems tiny in his big hands.

“I can help,” a faint smile plays on Sami’s lips as he reaches for Mesut’s right hand and caresses the sensitive inner side of his arm with a calloused fingertip. It sends shivers down Mesut’s spine. Then he puts the thing on Mesut’s wrist and it fits perfectly, dim gold melting into faint-tanned skin and he draws a bit closer to Mesut who closes his eyes and can only hope that he’s right about what’s going to happen. Sami presses his lips gently on his pulse point, a millimetre from the golden band. It’s so delicate and caring that Mesut is close to tearing up again. He starts speaking with Sami’s lips still ghosting over his wrist.

“You didn’t hurt me back then,” Mesut whispers and Sami lifts his head up and puts Mesut’s hand carefully down on the marble bench. He looks confused, but he senses that Mesut wants to continue it, he just tries to formulate it in the best way so Sami doesn’t ask questions, he waits patiently with his heart threatening to jump out of his ribcage.

“It felt… wonderful. I never felt something like that before and I… just so you know, you did nothing wrong.”

As a response Sami leans even closer to him and Mesut embraces the warmth radiating from his body that’s stronger than the sunlight, it pierces through his skin and reaches the core of his soul. Sami’s nose brushes against his jaw as he breathes a barely audible _thank you for telling me_ in his ear and it’s close, so teasingly-achingly-beautifully close. Mesut inhales the morning sunlight scent of Sami’s hair before they draw aside.

 

It’s getting dark when Mesut suggests watching a theatre play and they find two empty places in the last row. The play is average and after a while Mesut can’t even focus on it anymore because Sami looks around and when he decides that nobody is paying attention to them he sneaks an arm around Mesut who immediately snuggles closer and revels in every moment of their clumsy half-hug. It’s a strange feeling, like he’s already spent a lifetime with Sami, it’s like floating in never ending warmness.

 

They leave before the play ends and they go back to the underworld. Mesut feels their inexplicable connection, the pool of fuzzy emotions in his chest, but it’s still awkward to stand in front of his door with Sami. Their chitons suddenly seem to be out of place and he doesn’t know what to do because he can’t invite Sami in, they’ve just spent a whole day together and he might feel like they know each other like the back of their hands, but it’s been just a day. Right?

„I hope we can meet again soon,” Sami’s smile is genuine and Mesut takes a step to hug him or something, but he doesn’t know if it’s appropriate so he retreats quickly.

“I hope that too,” Mesut says and he closes the door behind himself.

His heart is beating fast because of the embarrassment and joy and everything being this much. He had to ruin the end of such a beautiful day, he’s not even surprised at himself. His heart doesn’t seem to stop its frantic thumping and there’s a heavy weight on his lungs, the weight of probably leaving Sami alone with doubts again, just like the last time.

He opens the door with a sudden motion and he’s ready to run after Sami and really tell him how lovely the whole day was.

Sami is still there, a longing look in his eyes.

Mesut closes the distance between them and he has no idea about what is he about to do.

“Thank you for this day, I loved every second of it,” he eventually says, but the last words are nothing else but muffled sounds because he hugs Sami tightly. Sami is so taken aback that he needs a few seconds to realise that it’s Mesut clinging to him like his life depends on it. Mesut feels the huge hands running up and down his spine and he furrows his head in Sami’s chest and he’s honestly not even surprised that they fit together perfectly like this. Mesut draws small circles on Sami’s bare shoulder and he can’t contain his smile when Sami kisses the tiniest of kisses in his hair.

When they pull away Mesut stands up on his tiptoes and their eyes meet one more time before he presses a quick kiss on Sami’s cheek. It’s not even a kiss, just a peck but Mesut is blushing furiously and Sami lets out a deep deep sigh that makes Mesut’s senses overjoyed.

This time when he closes the door Mesut knows that they had a proper goodbye and he's incredibly happy about it.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it :) have a great week <3


	12. I can't save you but I will try

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently I'm terrible terrible with updates, but here's a longer chapter that picks up where I left with Robert and Thomas. I hope you'll like it :)

**early June**

“I’m going to the underworld tomorrow,” Thomas says very quickly and he keeps on walking from one corner of the throne room to the other without looking at Gigi or Iker. “I thought I’d let both of you know,” he adds a millisecond later when there’s no reaction to his statement and the only thing that can be heard in the huge room is the echo of his footsteps.

Thomas continues his walk, touching every marble column lightly as he passes them and he bites down on his lips so hard that he’s almost bleeding. He can literally feel Gigi’s and Iker’s eyes on his back and he would bet his life that they aren’t as warm as they usually are when Thomas is around them. Or when they don’t have to be so close to each other, because even though they never talked about this to him, Thomas knows some things about their past and it’s not an understatement to say that they’ve still got a lot of issues to sort out.

Not like Thomas can judge them with his own disaster of a life.

“You’re going where?” Gigi’s the first one who talks and his question is lingering for a while in the empty hall. Thomas stops at one of the pillars supporting this monumental building and he inspects the mazy lines on the marble like it’s the most important thing that he’s ever seen. They look like veins seeing through pale skin.

“I’m going to the underworld,” Thomas repeats his previous words, sounding a tinge more confident. He still doesn’t dare to look at the two gods though.

“But you can’t…” Iker starts, but then he leaves the sentence open and his soft gasp is speaking volumes. Thomas hears as Gigi kicks the leg of his chair in frustration.

“If Robert lets me in,” the name still tastes weird on Thomas’ tongue. “I can enter.”

“For fuck’s sake, Thomas,” Gigi snaps out and he curses silently to tame his temper before continuing. “A week ago you hated him with all your heart. He broke you, the son of a bitch.”

Thomas finally looks at them. Iker’s eyebrows are furrowed, but he doesn’t look extremely mad at him. That can’t be said about Gigi who’s squeezing his hands with such force that Thomas is afraid that he’ll break his bones and even imagining the cracking sound makes him wince. Behind his anger Thomas sees disappointment and he can’t deny that it hurts a lot.

He knows that his decision to go to Robert is probably stupid and what Gigi said is true, achingly true, Robert is responsible for the worst period of his life. Still, recalling the memory of Robert appearing at his door with the most hopeless expression two days ago gives him enough strength to explain to Gigi and Iker that he actually has a _reason_. He might not have completely lost his common sense.

So Thomas closes his eyes for a minute and he can see crystal clearly how lost both of them were – are.

 

 

 

They stand awkwardly in the hall and Thomas has no idea what to do. He should probably invite Robert in the living room or even the kitchen, but it all feels so unreal that he can’t move his legs and he’s just staring at Robert who seems to be equally lost.

Thomas can’t tear his gaze away from Robert and he takes in every tiny ice flower that colours his shirt white before reaching his startled expression, the frown on his forehead that disappeared for a second when Thomas let him in, but now is back. There’s a blurred image appearing in the back of his mind that he could just reach out and soften the edges of the wrinkles with a single touch. But then he remembers what happened that one time they touched and the memory sends shivers down his spine and it’s enough to push back the scene to the depths of his conscious.

He watches as Robert shifts his weight from one leg to the other and then it strikes him that they’ve been keeping this slightly uncomfortable silence for ages. Thomas hates long silences and he hates cold, especially since his stay in the underworld.

“Come, let’s sit down,” he says and hearing his own voice helps to reconnect to his _normal_ self, not the one who’s fighting with that damn yelling in his head about saving Robert and not the one who has to deal with connected life threads and whatnot. Thomas just wants to be _him_. He wants to talk with Robert without these in his mind, just normally.

So he sends Robert a shy half-smile, one that just barely makes his lips curl up, but it’s definitely a smile. It’s also an encouragement to himself because he’s just about to let the man in his home that turned his world upside down and made him feel pain that he’s never experienced before. Thomas is not so sure about his own sanity anymore, nevertheless he leads Robert down the hall and he tries not to wince when he feels the coldness radiating from his body. It was so cold in the underworld that he couldn’t distinguish if he was feeling like ice was creeping under his skin because he was close to the Styx or the palace was simply like that or it was Robert’s closeness. Now as Thomas looks back he sees that Robert is leaving little ice patches on the ground behind him so it shouldn’t be a surprise that the familiar warm temperature of his home is quickly falling.

“I’m sorry for that,” Robert says quietly and it’s the first time he talks after asking Thomas for a new beginning, he sounds a bit raspy.

Thomas just shrugs and for him the case is closed, he’ll find a way to clear the ice away even if it’s not something he imagined to do when he woke up in the morning. He lets out a small chuckle at the thought, because it probably can’t get any more absurd than this. When Thomas turns back again to Robert he finds worry in his eyes and another wave of ice flowers covering the previous ones. The sleeves of Robert’s black shirt were a muffled grey before with just a thin ice layer on them, but now they’re completely white.

“Oh, I wasn’t laughing at you if you’re thinking about that,” Thomas somehow understands without words what Robert’s problem might’ve been. “It’s just. I thought that I’ll do something with this ice later and it’s a strange thing, it wouldn’t have occurred to me in the morning that I’ll end up here. But then I realised that this isn’t the most unexpected thing, because you’re like. In my home. It’s strange.”

“I didn’t want to cause you any trouble with my visit, I…” Robert is even paler than before and Thomas would like to hit him. Not to hurt him, like he craved to do some weeks ago when he wanted to see Robert suffer and bleed and cry tears of pain. Thomas would like to punch Robert because he just agreed to invite him in his house, it’s an obvious sign of some very twisted trust and he’s ready to start over again. Thomas is sure that after all this shit they’re way past the point when Robert has to apologize. In fact Robert had to apologize for a single thing and he did that and Thomas kind of accepted it. Well, he tries really hard to make himself believe that he can accept it.

“You did, but it’s okay,” Thomas doesn’t let Robert to continue. “You can take a seat or just stand, as you’d like. Do you want something to drink? To eat?”

It all comes out so naturally, after all Thomas spent his entire life swinging through parties and ceremonies and huge festivities and some alone time in the nature.

Thomas feels finally at ease as Robert hesitantly goes to the extravagantly big sofa he once got from Stevie and Xabi because they said that half of the Olympus is always at Thomas so they should at least have a cosy place to sit down. If he thinks about it, almost all the furniture in his living room is made up from gifts from his fellow Olympians. He loves it and being here, at the place he knows like the back of his hand is encouraging.

“Some water would be nice, if it’s not a problem,” Robert says and Thomas shakes his head at his politeness and also at the fact that Robert is just so out of place in this messy, colourful and chaotic room.

“Just feel at…” Thomas starts but then he doesn’t finish it because that would be too much, he can’t say to Robert to feel at home because it’s one thing to fight his hate and try to figure their things out. But it’s a whole lot different to treat him like a close friend, what he’s not, definitely not. It comes out clumsily this way and Thomas curses his stupid mouth, that he usually talks before he thinks.

Robert flinches and Thomas sighs while he pours him a glass of water. Thomas doesn’t really know what he expected from all this when he said yes, but there’s incredibly much tension in the room and their silences are weird and cringeworthy.

“Nevermind,” Thomas mutters when he hands the glass to the still standing Robert.

And fuck, it happens in a matter of a second, but right when Robert touches the cup, it explodes to thousands of tiny pieces and there are sharp ice and glass shreds everywhere.

“Shit, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, I didn’t want to freeze it and I’m…” Robert splutters and his eyes are huge and so light blue that they almost seem white in the sunlight spilling from the window. He looks at his own hands and then at Thomas’ and _oh_. Thomas didn’t even realize that both of them are bleeding.

“If you say one more time that you’re sorry I’m going to punch you in the fucking face,” Thomas wipes the blood in his pants like he’s still five year old not like five thousand.

The wounds are already turning into faint scars under the piercing sunrays, he’s always stronger when it’s warm and bright. Robert’s bruises are not doing this well though, he’s probably too distressed to automatically heal himself.

“Okay, I wouldn’t punch you, it’s okay. Hey,” Thomas is surprised by the softness in his voice, not like he should be surprised at _anything_ at this point, but still. A few minutes ago he was far from sure whether it was a good idea to have Robert here because they’re just so freaking distant and Robert’s too polite behaviour is getting on his nerves and he still can’t stop his involuntary shudder at the ice, he just hates that. And now he’s trying to comfort Robert, like what even is his life. “Just sit down, I’ll take care of this,” Thomas makes a vague motion with his hand so he doesn’t have to explain what he meant by it, the clutter on the floor or the thin blood rivers running down Robert’s fingers.

Robert obeys him and the sofa immediately turns into ice under him. When he opens his mouth Thomas’ first reaction is to silence him because if he hears sorry one more time he will scream.

“Don’t touch me,” Robert says instead of the expected apology. Thomas pulls back his hand quickly that was somehow, he has no idea how, reached out to ghost over Robert’s cuts. “I wouldn’t want to hurt you with the cold.”

Thomas doesn’t intend to, but his whole body stiffens as Robert says this and he has to look in the blinding sun, he needs to feel the warmth on his cheeks otherwise the memories of the darkness would be back and there would be a heavy weight on his chest making it impossible to breathe. He lets out a deep sigh and he doesn’t really want to look in Robert eyes again, so he avoids his gaze while he sits down on another couch that’s not frozen.

They sit in this soul-consuming silence because Robert is not stupid and Thomas suspects that he put the pieces together and he must know how badly everything affected Thomas. At least he doesn’t apologise again for it. And Thomas fidgets with his fingers and he counts the light scars over and over again until there’s not a single one left. He opens his mouth to say something, but then he decides not to, he doesn’t want to make an even bigger mess out of this.

“Thomas?” a lot of time has passed and even if Robert’s half question is just a quiet whisper, Thomas is grateful for the broken silence. He didn’t know that he’s been keeping track of the occasions Robert called him on his name, but this is the third time.

Once when he was suffering in that cell, once when Robert set him free like some freaking caged bird and now, when they’re theoretically having a new start.

“Hm?” Thomas lifts his gaze but not high enough to initiate eye contact, he’s just staring at Robert’s hands. Then out of the blue this thought appears, that Robert’s hands are actually very pretty, even with blood and still open wounds.

“You hate it this way, yeah?”

This question is so unanticipated that Thomas instinctively looks up to see if Robert was really talking or his mind’s completely ruined and he’s hallucinating. But Robert is clearly waiting for an answer and he’s still incredibly pale and his eyes are far from their usual blue (like how does Thomas even know what their normal shade is) and the ice-whiteness on his shirt isn’t stronger than before.

Thomas nods. Robert grazes over his bloody scars with his nails and Thomas has to squirm in his seat just from the sight of the freshly torn flesh.

“The thing is that I didn’t expect you to talk with me at all, so my plans lasted only until the point you… well, allowed me to come in? And now your home is full of ice and I really don’t know what to…” Robert doesn’t finish it, but the honesty and faint hopelessness in his words is appealing in a way. In every story and legend Thomas has ever heard about Robert he was described like a cold, distant, always collected marble statue with no feelings. Apparently when he’s around Thomas it’s a lot different.

“We could be spontaneous, you know,” Thomas says and it’s unnatural to talk about a _we_. Exciting, too.

“I have some difficulties with not knowing what’s coming next. I need to have everything planned carefully. Or I end up with outbursts of emotions like this and everything turns into ice around me. So,” Robert tries to sound like this is okay, but Thomas senses the small cracks in his voice and it’s far from that, it’s terrible.

“Oh,” that’s the only thing Thomas manages to come up with because he can’t just ask Robert what made him so afraid of new things even if curiosity is eating him up. “Blowing up that glass was pretty spontaneous though,” he chuckles.

Like, he chuckles while being in the same room with Robert.

Robert tilts his head with an incredulous look on his face and he’s so different now from the man who caused Thomas so much pain, Thomas can almost brush away these thoughts that he constantly has on his mind since March. He can’t simply think about hatred anymore, it’s so much more complex now.

“It made us talk?” Thomas mimics Robert’s movement unintentionally and just when he says it out loud he realizes that this is really their first ever conversation when he can see a man in front of him and not just the heartless ruler of the underworld.

Robert’s eyes light up and Thomas has to blink twice before he believes that that’s definitely a hesitant, very very hesitant smile in the corner of Robert’s lips.

And gods, he’s beautiful. Fucked up, but yeah, there’s something incredibly nice about him even if he’s covered in ice and he looks like he just came back from the dead. Which is true, if Thomas thinks about it a little and he starts laughing and Robert bites his lips and he’s still utterly lost, but it just might really be their new beginning.

 

 

 

And Thomas is smiling again, not minding the suffocating tension between Gigi, Iker and him.

“Did he do something to you that made you change your mind?” Iker asks and he sounds distant, his face hidden in his palms like his head’s on the verge of exploding. Gigi, on the opposite has his head thrown back and Thomas can see each heavy gulp he’s taking to contain his overflowing emotions.

“He came to me to visit. And he asked for a new chance,” it’s more like a heaskedforanewchance because Thomas might be really good with words, but this is such a puzzling situation that if he doesn’t blurt it out at one go he’ll keep it to himself and that’ll cause even more trouble.

“What,” Iker mutters and he rubs the dark circles under his eyes.

“What,” Gigi says in the same exact moment and Thomas hopes that he won’t break anything that’s in his hands’ reach.

Then they stare at each other with a bewildered expression and Thomas looks away because it’s intimate and probably not meant for anyone to see. He wonders if there’ll ever be a day when the three of them can sit comfortably in the same room without so much unresolved tension and drama.

“Should I explain?” Thomas breaks the strained silence when he can already feel Iker and Gigi’s tenseness crawl under his skin and make him even more insecure in his choices concerning Robert.

Iker looks at him with pleading eyes which one can rarely see from the god of all gods. Gigi is defiant and Thomas wishes they’d be already over it.

“Yeah, I was hurt when I came back and I’m still not completely okay. I don’t think I’ll ever be and I now understand that I can’t pretend like none of this shit happened. Robert abducted me. He kept me for a few hours in the darkest and coldest place I’ve seen and felt and it wasn’t a long time but it was enough to… I can’t sleep in the dark anymore,” Thomas takes a break and he decides not to include Robert stalking him, because even thinking about it makes him kind of want to throw up and it wouldn’t help at all in convincing Gigi and Iker that it’s not wrong. Not entirely. “After that it was easy to hate him. With all my force left I despised everything about Robert, he took away my freedom and he made me feel helpless and crushed. Actually I rarely saw him, I just felt his presence. I spent a lot of time with the Moirai and the Erynes and that was nice, I liked them and I’d like to catch up with them at some point again. But when I want it, not when I’m forced to do so. Then Robert started visiting me and I never talked to him, my heart was raging of uncontrolled hate. I wanted him to suffer. And then one day he told me about the life cords that you know about, Philipp said that Thiago enlightened you at the meeting about them. I don’t want those, you see, I don’t want to be connected to someone just because fate or what the fuck decided that we should be like that. I… I don’t want to be influenced just by the idea that my life should definitely gravitate towards Robert’s… He let me go after that.”

Thomas searches Gigi’s and Iker’s face and he takes a deep breath when he sees that maybe, maybe Gigi’s frown has softened a bit. He continues.

“When I came home everything felt different. I didn’t know who I am. Because there was, in fact, there still is a voice yelling a lot in my head that I should go and do something about Robert’s miserable life. And I don’t know if that’s just my conscience, if it’s really _me_ or I’m making things up and it’s just my mind’s way to deal with the fact that I’m somehow connected to Robert. I’m not even hundred per cent sure now that. Well, I want exactly this. But he came to apologise and it wasn’t just words, he really meant it. Of course it can’t erase what’s happened and I still can’t get over a lot of things. We managed to talk though and I don’t know, maybe if we meet again, with my consent, then I can figure it out myself.”

Thomas feels incredibly tired after uttering the last words and his throat is dry, but he needed to do this. To reassure himself and the others as well.

Gigi still doesn’t say anything and Thomas has to admit that it hurts even more than he thought before. He’s probably the most important person in his life and Thomas understands that from his perspective it’s really like his beloved son is going back _willingly_ to someone who harmed him. It’s illogical.

But Iker silently talks.

“I try to see it from your point of view. I really do. I need some time to process it,” he looks at Thomas with weary eyes. “But why the underworld? Why do you go back to a place that haunts you even in your dreams to meet him?”

“He’s freezing stuff when he can’t control his emotions. And seemingly when he’s around me it happens more often than usually. The underworld is the safest place,” Thomas doesn’t expect to sound so soft. Surprisingly he decided very quickly to meet in the underworld and he didn’t allow Robert to object. Thomas didn’t tell Robert that he decided so because he didn’t want to spend days with cleaning up ice from the most unexpected places and he also realized that he’s a lot better at leaving comfort zones than Robert. Iker and Gigi stiffen at this, maybe at Thomas’ tone or just Robert’s antics with ice.

“Gigi?” Iker turns to Gigi and Thomas sees that both of their chests are rising and falling quicker, they’re probably remembering scenes from their long gone relationship that still consumes them.

“Okay,” Gigi breathes and Thomas lets out the breath he didn’t even realize he was holding in. He finally crosses the distance between them and he sends a grateful look at Iker before he grazes over Gigi’s shoulder and lets one of this hands lingering there, drinking in the warmth radiating from his body.

Thomas mumbles a _thank you_ , meant to both of them.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading <3 I'd also like to thank you again and again for your feedback, it means the world. Have a beautiful week :)


	13. oh let it be, I was lost in him and me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really really sorry for such a late update, I hope that I can get back to posting a new chapter weekly. This chapter is almost twice as long as they usually are, kind of a compensation for these three weeks without anything :)  
> I finally figured out every detail about the underworld (I read a lot of things about how it is according to the greek mythology, but in the end I just kept the main ideas and I twisted-transformed the other things in such a way that they fit the story) and I hope that you'll like the first snippets of it.  
> I'd like to say thank you again for your incredibly sweet feedback, it means so so so much for me <3  
> Have a nice end to this year :)

 

**June**

 

 

“Robert,” Mats calls his name for like the thousandth time and he should definitely answer him. But his throat is too dry to do so, because he had everything carefully planned for this day and he even slept well the night before which hasn’t happened since an eternity and he didn’t have nightmares and… well, his calmness lasted until now and keeping himself together requires much more willpower than he has, because what if Thomas doesn’t come, what if he only said that three days ago to shut him up and what if the pain he caused was too big to overcome and Thomas didn’t want to see him ever again. Which Robert can understand and acknowledging it doesn’t even sting anymore, instead of that there’s this numb soreness spreading in his chest that makes it so difficult to breathe.

“Robert sit the fuck down, he’ll come,” Mats is somehow behind him and Robert is so lost in his thoughts that he lets himself be manhandled and he obediently sits down, more like collapses, on the chair next to Benni.

“But what if he…” Robert starts and he can’t continue because Mats pokes him, fucking pokes him, with one of his long fingers between the ribs and he gasps at the unexpected burn. Then Mats lets out a deep sigh too and when Robert looks at him questioningly he sees that Mats’ right hand is frozen up until his wrists.

“Amazing,” Mats mutters and if Robert didn’t feel like shit enough, now he does. He’s insecure about Thomas and that was the only thing he needed, to harm one more person close to him because meeting Thomas simply made his mind forget what emotional stability is.

Robert mumbles an apology and he can’t tear his gaze away from Mats’ ice covered hand and he’s getting nauseous from the huge amount of guilt he feels, it’s like not blood, but this mixture of regret and self-hatred and anxiety is flowing through his veins.

“At least you’re distracted,” Benni says and Robert is taken aback because he doesn’t sound mad at him for hurting Mats. “It’s quite endearing in a way that waiting for Thomas makes you so…” Robert sees from the corner of his eyes that Benni makes some vague gestures with his hand and then he reaches for Mats’ frozen fingers and rubs them tenderly until the ice starts melting.

“And don’t even dare to say that he won’t be here,” Mats looks straight at Robert when he says this and he seems so completely sure of it. Robert misses those times badly when he was still as certain as Mats about everything.

“We’ve spent some time with Thomas,” Benni joins the conversation too and Robert expects him to snap out at some point and curse him for freezing Mats’ hand. But there’s nothing, Benni’s still holding Mats’ half-frozen hand in his warm ones and he looks at Robert like it’s totally normal to accept his antics and spend a whole day trying to reassure him. “He seemed to be really straightforward all the time, so if he said that he’ll visit you, then he surely will. Don’t need to worry.”

Robert nods because he really doesn’t want to annoy Mats and Benni even more with his emotional turmoil that’s eating him alive. Because sure, Thomas said that he’ll come, but he also said that he hates Robert with all his heart and soul.

“Don’t think that we don’t know what’s going on in your head,” Mats says quietly.

Robert stands up to start walking around again, to somehow deal with some parts of his uneasiness and he can’t decide if he likes or hates it that these two can see through his fake composure.

“I don’t even know what’s in my goddamn head,” Robert sighs. He’s doesn’t want to overreact it, but in this very moment it feels like his whole life depends on Thomas coming or not coming.

“Can I say something?” Mats asks and Robert doesn’t even have to look at the pair to know that Benni’s rolling his eyes at the playful undertone in Mats’ question. Robert just shrugs.

“You’d make the sweetest couple ever.”

Robert abruptly stops and his heart sinks at Mats’ words and for a second he can see himself from the distance, his pale skin, fatigued eyes and unevenly rising and falling chest. He can’t pick out Benni’s words, he has no idea if they’re addressed at him or he’s just scolding Mats because what Mats said opened up entire gates that he carefully built up throughout the last months.

There are these images of Thomas shivering from the cold on the floor with his wide blue eyes conveying so much disgust. Thomas’ blurred frame through the mirror. Thomas turning his back at him, surrounded by the Moirai and the Erynes, the rawness of this entire gesture terrifying. The tiny hint of hope lighting up Thomas’ expression when he decided to go home. The surprised arch of his eyebrows when he saw Robert standing in his doorway. His almost painfully soft smile-wrinkles when he laughed at something, in Robert’s presence. It was like the sun exploded and Robert didn’t care at all that it kind of melted his ice, because it felt simply _right_.

These scenes are making him dizzy and so damn hopeful, which he shouldn’t be. He shouldn’t think more into these things than they actually mean. He should just return to the life he had before this mess.

“It’s. Not like that,” Robert whispers, probably to convince himself and when he looks at Mats and Benni his vision is unfocused and instead of black or blonde, he sees sun-kissed brown hair.

 

 

***

 

 

“So you’re Miroslav, huh?” Thomas climbs into the boat and he tries to sound confident.

He realizes that his last weeks have been all about hoping that he doesn’t seem to be as fallen apart from the outside as he actually is. Philipp helped a lot with it and he made Thomas accept that he can’t pretend to be okay after these things, but that doesn’t mean that Thomas lets himself burst into helpless pieces in front of everyone. And the infamous ferryman of the underworld is surely not someone who needs to know about Thomas’ fears about everything that is Robert, the darkness, the cold, the realm of the dead and the incredibly lost, fucked up god himself.

“It’s quite obvious,” the man’s wry answer reconnects Thomas to the reality of this strange land he’s just about to enter.

“I’m Thomas,” he introduces himself even though the ferryman doesn’t seem to be interested in knowing anything about him. But talking is Thomas’ best defensive mechanism and it distracts him from questioning every decision he’s ever made in his life, especially this one about coming back to this place he hates just because for a second he felt pity for Robert. Okay, it was not only for a second.

“Do you carry everyone to the other side without any questions?” Thomas asks when the ferryman doesn't react, not even with a slight shake of the head to his introduction.

The man doesn’t look at him, he’s really focused on manoeuvring the boat in the right direction, so that they can sail effortlessly towards the far other shore of the Acheron, river of sorrow and utmost woe, to reach the eerily gleaming Styx. Thomas shudders just from the thought of it, he spent long weeks staring out of his huge bedroom’s window and the only thing he could see were the calm, creepily glowing waves of the Styx.

“Do you talk sometimes? Or do you like silence?” Thomas supposes that he’s getting on the nerves of the ferryman, but he can’t help, he’s too nervous to hold back this urge to talk talk talk.

They’re almost in the middle of the Acheron when Miroslav finally answers.

“The dead rarely say anything.”

“Oh,” Thomas gasps in surprise because he was so caught up thinking about his own problems or doing his best to avoid pondering about them that it didn’t even occur to him that it probably rarely happened that there was someone other than a dead soul accompanying the ferryman. “And how did you know that you had to carry me?”

Thomas starts to feel like a little child with asking so many questions, but he brushes away this thought very quickly, firstly because if he’s constantly talking then it means that he’s still _himself_ a bit and secondly, he’s quite curious about this grim man.

“I knew,” there comes another short answer and Thomas shifts in his seat.

“Isn’t there this rule that gods aren’t allowed to enter the underworld?” Thomas watches as his breaths transform into puffs of whiteness in the air, a clear sign that they’re getting closer to the actual underworld, the Acheron being just the outermost border of it.

“Why do you ask me if you already know the answer?” Miroslav asks back another eternity later when he’s leaning against the paddle with his entire body to direct the boat towards the narrow creek linking the Acheron with the Styx.

“I wanted to initiate a conversation? And I had no better idea?” Thomas half-asks and half-states these and he bends over the brim of the boat to catch a better glimpse of the mournful grey water turning into this strangely luminous black-ish, meaning that they’re almost at the Styx.

“Oh, I see,” it’s Miroslav’s turn to gasp a little.

“You don’t really like to talk, do you?” Thomas doesn’t expect an answer, that’s why he almost loses his balance when the ferryman actually looks at him and the light gleaming of the river outlines the sharp edges of his features.

“I don’t, but I can listen,” there’s a small frown appearing on his forehead and Thomas waits intently for him to continue. “You’re very tense. If it makes you feel better, you can talk about it, I don’t mind.”

Thomas presses his lips together as he figures out what Miroslav really meant because it’s just so surreal.

“I don’t think that you’d like to hear about this,” Thomas says and he can’t decipher what Miroslav’s raised eyebrows mean, that he’s really not interested in Thomas’ story or it’s exactly the contrary. But then Thomas picks out in the distance, through the faint mist floating over the river the outlines of the mountains surrounding the underworld as a last frontier after the sacred river. He winces violently at the dark memories that hit him at the thought that he’s so close to the place where he suffered. “Nevermind, I’ll tell you anyway, otherwise I’ll go crazy.”

And Thomas tells most of their twisted story with Robert without stopping and he knows that he’s spluttering, but the calmness he felt at the Olympus when he thought about his visit to Robert is long gone. Somewhere he also hopes that saying out loud that he doesn’t hate Robert and they’re really getting a second start and he will stay balanced and it’s going to be _okay_ will help him believe that these things are all true.

Miroslav is a strangely good listener and when there are only a few meters separating them from the river bank Thomas feels a lot lighter.

 

 

***

 

 

Robert has all kinds of heart rhythm inconsistencies as he spots the approaching boat. He’s been standing there at the riverside for probably an hour and his horses are already impatient, they’re pawing with their feet and their nostrils are flared.

Usually Robert can calm them down, but they must be sensing his own uneasiness because when he puts a supposedly comforting hand on their neck, their muscles just stiffen even more. Robert lets out a deep sigh and he nervously fidgets with his hands while he watches the silhouette of the boat getting bigger and bigger. He inhales and exhales deeply and he did it so many times throughout the years that his body’s actually used to it and his heart doesn’t race so fast anymore. It’s a pity that he can’t fool his mind with some breathing tricks too.

Robert closes his eyes for a second and he squeezes them so hard that he only sees sparkling whiteness under his eyelids. And with these quickly vanishing-reappearing dots somehow he can push the memories of the past to the back of his mind and for a liberating moment there’s just excitement and hopeful anticipation. When he opens his eyes, Miro and Thomas are already very close and he can see their faces in the dim light of the Styx. Thomas is explaining something vividly and Miroslav’s knitted eyebrows suggest that he’s paying close attention to it. Robert doesn’t hear the words, they’re still too far for that and there’s also the quiet rumbling of the water that blurs their voices into barely audible murmurs.

He steps closer to the little dock where Miro usually stops his boat and he makes some late efforts to collect himself from this chaos before Thomas gets there. The boat bumps against the old wooden pillar and Robert suddenly finds it difficult to even form a coherent welcome-sentence because Thomas is really _here_.

Robert gets even more confused when Thomas stands up and he makes a wavering step towards Miroslav to draw him into a very awkward hug. Robert’s eyes meet Miro’s and the ferryman tilts his head a tiny bit and a faint smile is ghosting over his lips. Robert blinks twice to make sure that he’s actually seeing what he’s seeing.

Then Thomas lets go of the amused Miroslav and he turns to Robert, dangerously wavering in the narrow boat again. Robert instinctively offers him a hand to help him on the dock.

“You would freeze him,” Miro warns him with a deadpan expression and Robert curses himself because it’s like the hundredth time it happens that he forgets that he can’t touch Thomas without hurting him.

“Sorry for it,” Robert says and he tries really hard not to play with his hands anxiously. In the exact moment he says this out loud he remembers that Thomas told him not to apologize for everything. Robert mentally kicks himself in the ass, he pretty much screwed up things in a matter of a second – it’s not enough that Thomas came to the underworld and left his comfort zone, no, Robert definitely had to start with reminding him of everything he hates about Robert.

Thomas just shakes his head and climbs out of the boat on his own and Robert watches him with his heart jumping out of its place because Thomas almost falls into the Styx. Miro looks at them with an unreadable glimpse in his eyes before heading back to the other side of the river, rowing with languid, calculated motions.

“So?” Thomas is rubbing his hands together and he shifts his weight from one leg to the other, clearly waiting for Robert to say something. Robert hesitates and he doesn’t know anymore what should be a truly suitable answer, so he eventually says what’s on his mind.

“I’m really glad that you came.”

There’s a smile spreading across Thomas’ lips and Robert realizes that he must have sounded really desperate, which would be the worst thing in any other situation because it’s so not him to feel lost. But he starts to accept that with Thomas his world is turning upside down and it’s not pleasant, but also not insupportably terrible.

“Yeah, I guess I’m too,” Thomas says and his cheeks are really red, Robert should’ve observed it right in the second he saw Thomas. “What are we going to do?”

“I thought that I can show you around, but you’re cold and it won’t get any better,” Robert takes in the sight of Thomas’ rosy nose and cheeks and shivering body and he decides that his plans don’t matter that much if Thomas would freeze to death during his visit. In the exact same moment he comes to this decision, Thomas opens his mouth.

“But you had plans and it’s not that bad, I’ll be fine,” Thomas probably wants to sound convincing, but Robert can literally hear his teeth chattering while he speaks.

“I did, but it’s not that important,” Robert even surprises himself when he utters the words because he can’t remember the last time when he considered that someone else’s wellbeing should come before his own ideas. “It’s not that important,” he repeats it quietly to himself, it’s so hard to believe that it’s him who actually said these and he really meant it too.

Thomas looks stunned. “Okay, if you say so,” he doesn’t add anything else, but their silence now is much better than it was in Thomas’ home and Robert somehow has a feeling that Thomas has understood the importance of his unintentional statement.

“There’s a place which is maybe a bit warmer,” Robert thinks about the small lake formed close to the source of the Lethe and he hasn’t been there in a very long time because for him the Lethe isn’t about forgetting, but about reopening painful memory-wounds. “It’s up in the mountains, not even that far from here. There’s a meadow and a lake. And as I remember, it’s not that cold,” Robert wonders if he proposed going there because he’s ready to get over fragments of his past or he just wants to see if these bonds with Thomas are really working, meaning that Thomas’ mere presence is enough to soften his worries. “Would you like to go there?”

Thomas nods and Robert doesn’t even care about his plans anymore, because there’s a faint thought nestling itself in the depth of his consciousness, that this won’t be the last time Thomas is here and they will have a chance to visit every hidden corner of the underworld. He tries not to think too much about that, Thomas being here doesn’t equal with Thomas surely being here later.

“Do you mind if we go with my chariot? I don’t know if you remember, but…” Robert lets the second part of the sentence dissolve in the low rumbling of the waves and even if Thomas shuts his eyes quickly, Robert catches the scared glint he tries to hide.

“I know that you abducted me in it,” Thomas whispers with his eyes still closed and the heavy weight on Robert’s chest that hasn’t gone away since first meeting Thomas feels even bigger. Thomas takes a deep breath and his look pierces through skin and flesh and it gets straight to Robert’s soul. “I will pull myself together and it will be fine,” he says and the tiredness in his voice is almost palpable, Robert suspects that it’s far from the first time Thomas reassures himself this way.

They walk in silence towards the chariot and Robert wants to warn Thomas about the explosive temper of his horses and their questionable behaviour around strangers. But he’s a heartbeat too late and Thomas has already closed the distance between him and the four horses and Robert forgets how to fucking breathe because he wants Thomas to be safe and unhurt and if he takes one more step there won’t be any chance to…

And Thomas stands there with half-closed eyelids and the previous tension is vanished, he seems to be extremely calm just inches away from Orphnaeus, the most temperamental of all horses. Robert waits for an aggressive reaction with his heart thumping in his throat, but there’s nothing, Thomas stays motionless and enviably cool until Orphnaeus brings his head closer to Thomas and Robert can’t believe his eyes, because the horse nuzzles Thomas’ arm and the experimental gentleness brings a content smile to Thomas’ face. Robert watches in awe as Thomas charms Aethon, Nyctaeus and Alastor the same way, he stands by their side without saying a word, he doesn’t intrude in their personal space just radiates this tranquillity that Robert has no idea where he got from. All three horses react like Orphnaeus did, with a shy nuzzle and complete adoration that Robert has never seen on them.

“They’re wonderful,” Thomas draws away from the animals and Robert is still dumbstruck because in a matter of a few minutes Thomas managed to tame the four horses that caused so much trouble to everyone that wasn’t Robert and at the same time his anxiousness too. “See?” he looks at Robert as if he could read his mind. “I’m okay now, I won’t have any problems with the chariot.”

They don’t talk much on the road to the Lethe, Thomas asks Robert now and again about the places they’re traversing and everything is as close to a normal conversation as it can be with them sitting at the two far ends of the seats because Robert doesn’t even want to risk touching Thomas.

Robert tells him about the snowflake-like specks that are barely visible at the shore of the Styx and the outer sides of the underworld, but they start falling denser in the deeper parts of the underworld and sometimes it’s like a blizzard sweeping over the plainness of the Asphodel Meadows.

Thomas listens intently as Robert explains that there are three main areas where the souls live, the Asphodel Meadows are meant for those who had an ordinary life, the wicked are sent to the depths of the Tartarus and those with a virtuous, exemplary life are awarded with endless joy in the Elysian Fields.

Thomas stares out the window while they go through the outer territories of the Elysian Fields and Robert finds himself lost in taking in every tiny detail of Thomas’ profile. He needs to glance away when Thomas suddenly turns back and asks him about the palace and where the other gods of the underworld live and Robert is painfully aware of the cracks in his usually balanced voice.

Robert is actually glad when they reach their destination, because while Thomas’ calmness seems to be constantly growing, Robert is getting more and more nervous and he can already see the blossoming ice flowers sneaking up his sleeves.

“Is it better here?” he asks Thomas when they get out of the chariot because with the ice covering him again he can’t pick out the tiny temperature differences.

Thomas takes a few hesitant steps in the lush, green grass and he looks around with an incredulous look on his face. Robert can understand him, it’s probably the strangest thing that there’s a place like this in the middle of the underworld, a clearing at the shore of a small lake where the Lethe couldn’t continue its flow. It’s almost surreal with its vivid colours and supposed warmth, Thomas doesn’t have to rub his hands together to not feel chilly. The occasionally falling snow-ish thing is the only reminder that they’re still in the realm of the dead.

“I like this a lot,” Thomas says and he wanders to the water. “Is this really the Lethe?”

Robert clears his throat before answering and he grits his teeth to fight back the shadows of the past that would be ready to swallow this present moment and make him forget that things can be this close to _okay_ and there’s still a light ray of hope that… he exhales deeply and tries to give Thomas a coherent answer.

“It’s just a small part of it, but the water has the same power, you drink from it and you forget everything. Every dead soul must drink from the Lethe when they get here because they can’t,” Robert feels incredibly cold and he pushes away the memory emerging in the back of his mind even if it’s like something’s clawing violently in his head. A ragged sigh escapes his lips. “They can’t remember anything from their past lives when they are prepared for the afterlife,” Robert somehow finishes and he feels like throwing up and he looks worriedly at Thomas, but he’s occupied with the water of the Lethe and he fortunately doesn’t see anything from Robert’s struggles.

“You know, it would be really easy if I drank from it,” Thomas says and the serious undertone in his voice pulls Robert back to the present. “I could forget what happened and I wouldn’t have to deal with panic attacks in the dark anymore. I would support the cold better. I know that I seem to be calm, I really try to and for some periods I manage to be like that, but there are these shreds of time when I can’t face you because my vision goes all blurry and I feel like freezing even though you’re not even close to touching me.”

Robert’s ribs are ready to collapse and crush his heart. He wishes he could ease some of Thomas’ burden, but there’s not a single way he could do that in this very moment, after some fragile closeness they feel like drifting away again.

“I would like this new start and everything,” Thomas continues and he still doesn’t turn back, he keeps his eyes fixed on the water. “But I don’t know what I was thinking when I hoped that it won’t be complicated and… I can’t just act like things are in order. Not that I have any solution, there probably isn’t and I don’t even know if this makes sense or you are feeling the same. It’s just,” Robert is afraid that Thomas will fall into the swirling Lethe, he’s so close to the margin. “This would solve every problem.”

There’s heavy, suffocating silence and Robert knows that there’s nothing he could say that’s valid and strong enough to take away the edge of Thomas’ words.

After seemingly endless minutes Thomas slowly turns back and he looks at Robert with such a deep sorrow in his eyes that it takes Robert’s breath away.

“But of course I shouldn’t do it,” Thomas attempts to hide what’s so clearly reflected in his eyes with irony, but his slightly trembling voice gives him away. “I’m probably able to learn how to live together with my fears.”

Thomas sits down on the grass and his fingertips are ghosting over the crystal clear surface of the Lethe while he buries the other one in the soft grass. Robert mimics him and sits down too, he inevitably needs to maintain eye contact with Thomas because they just can’t lose this weak connection that _they_ have created, not some anonymous forces at the beginning of time that linked their fates together. The blades of grass nearest to him immediately turn into ice.

“Thomas, you’re such a brave man,” Robert mutters and he can only hope that his words convey at least half of the things he’s feeling, because Thomas deserves the best and he should find comfort and peace and answers to his questions, not pain and insecurity.

Thomas doesn’t respond, he just stares at Robert for a long long time and in the end a faint smile curls up the corners of his lips. Robert doesn’t lure himself with the option that it’s a happy smile, because it isn’t, but it’s not entirely sad either, it’s somewhere in between, leaving so many possibilities open.

“I think I should go,” Thomas eventually says and as usual, Robert winces at the thought of Thomas leaving and maybe never coming back because Robert probably disappointed him again.

They stand up quietly and Thomas glances one more time at the Lethe.

“I’m…” Robert starts to find excuses for the abrupt end of their meeting, but he realizes that there’s no place for those, he’d only destroy the ruins of their past even more. “I hope you decide to come back once. If you’ll feel like that.”

“I will, definitely,” Thomas says this as a promise, not only to Robert, but also to himself. It’s like a vow that’s meant to reassure that Thomas won’t give up until he figures himself out. “I just need to take it slow. But maybe we could meet here again soon.”

“Just let me know,” Robert tries to smile encouragingly, he’s ready to wait for Thomas.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would appreciate any form of feedback :) Thank you for reading <3


	14. it's the beat my heart skips when I'm with you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry for being so terrible with updating, it's more than two weeks again since the last chapter. But when I had time in the past weeks I couldn't even write a normal sentence, and when I felt inspired I had no time at all to actually sit down to write. So yeah, this chapter really enjoyed torturing me.  
> I hope that you're still here though :)  
> Have a nice week and well, enjoy this pretty much lighthearted chapter <3

**middle of June**

 

Sami looks up from the pile of papers he’s been reading for more than two hours to recall some distant memories of the case of a human from centuries ago. His weary eyes immediately lighten up.

„I’m finished,” he says and his voice is a little bit hoarse after long spells of time without talking, but it doesn’t seem to bother Mesut at all. „You shouldn’t have waited this much for me.”

Mesut didn’t have much more work to do, it seemed to be a rather quiet day for the Moirai, and instead of going straight home he joined the Erynes to wait for Sami until he was done too. Of course Basti and Lukas excused themselves to supposedly continue their research in the library, though the wide grin plastered on their faces and the mischievous glimpse in their eyes suggested that it’s just a blatant lie. Sami’s glad that they didn’t make any comments on their relationship with Mesut because everything’s still so new and a tiny bit shaky and incredible, to be honest, a lot more than incredible - at the same time.

„It wasn’t a problem,” Mesut smiles and this single upside twitch of his lips is enough to make Sami’s heart sink and to transform him into an overjoyed mess. „You look sweet when you’re so focused,” he adds and Sami’s completely lost as he watches Mesut’s cheeks turn faint red because he’s still so endearingly shy about compliments.

But since their date in Athens he’s gotten a lot better at it and there’s tingling, beautiful warmth nestling itself in Sami’s chest each time he hears this growing confidence in Mesut’s voice as he talks about well, everything concerning their relationship.

„Come here,” Sami pulls back the comfortable armchair he’s sitting in to make enough place for Mesut who blushes even further when he realizes what Sami has in mind. He stops in the narrow place between Sami’s outspread legs and the impressive desk full of ancient manuscripts.

Sami looks up at Mesut and he only hesitates for a millisecond before he puts his hands on Mesut’s waist and draws him even closer, his thumbs drawing soft circles on his hipbones. Mesut immediately covers Sami’s hands with his smaller ones and they stay like that for a few moments, absorbing the liberating feeling of their skin freely touching.

It’s been only around two or three weeks since Sami gifted Mesut the bouquet of bluebells and even in Athens, there was this terrible doubt that Sami couldn’t fight back, that his inexplicable attraction towards Mesut is one sided and Mesut only accepted the invitation because he was being polite. Not even the unexpected ending of the day, Mesut giving him a goodbye hug was enough to lull his nervous thoughts and that night Sami convinced himself that they need to take everything slow and maybe, maybe then the two of them will be _something_.

So he survived two entire days without trying to initiate any kind of contact with Mesut because he wanted to give him enough space even if those two days seemed to be longer than his entire existence. And then he bumped into Mesut in one of the old corridors of Robert’s palace and it was so surreal because they’ve always had this tension between them, this sparkling electricity at each look and short conversation that made strange things with Sami’s mind, but it was one of these halls where it turned into much more than glimpses of what-ifs. They stared at each other with wide eyes, just like now, and it suddenly felt like all the air was vacuumed out of the Underworld and it was impossible to breathe with Mesut’s eyes looking straight at Sami’s soul. That was when Sami burst out and he couldn’t hold it in anymore and he just couldn’t stop talking, words of tenderness flowing-swirling like a flood overwhelming both of them.

Sami closes his eyes for a second because Mesut leans a bit forward and moves one of his hands to Sami’s temple to run his fingers along his cheekbones just like he did after Sami’s throat went dry and there was nothing else to say. Mesut copies the exact same movements now, his index finger slowly follows the line of Sami’s neck with the lightest touch and Sami involuntarily raises his chin to give Mesut better access. He doesn’t open his eyes yet because it all feels like a dream he’s too afraid to wake up from.

“I’m really glad, you know,” Mesut mumbles as he reaches the dip between Sami’s collarbones and Sami lets his hands wander under Mesut’s shirt and he strokes his back once, twice, to enjoy the warmth of his skin, a reminder that it’s all too real to be some simple fantasy.

“I don’t even know how you had the patience to listen to my ramblings,” Sami finally looks up at Mesut and the adoring smile he sees turns his world upside down and he would get lost if it wasn’t for this new feeling of truly belonging somewhere. The closeness of Mesut, the unbelievable fact that they’re together is more than enough to make him dizzy and extra calm at the same time.

Mesut’s tiny smile grows bigger as he hesitantly takes a step back and Sami doesn’t rule out for a second that it’s maybe still a dream because in the next moment Mesut gently nudges his thighs and Sami closes them with a smile now matching Mesut’s.

“That was the most beautiful speech I’ve ever heard,” Mesut says and Sami’s heart stops because Mesut’s now sitting in his lap and oh, Sami didn’t even realize that at some point Mesut must’ve bent the armrest of the chair to make enough space for his legs. He doesn’t comment on it though because Mesut wraps his arms around his neck and their lips are temptingly close.

“It was messy a little bit,” Mesut continues and their bodies are so tightly pressed together that Sami can _feel_ Mesut’s chuckle resonate in his own chest too. “But I couldn’t be happier that you didn’t keep everything for yourself because well…” Mesut burrows his face in the crook of Sami’s neck and Sami doesn’t know if it can get any better than this. “I would’ve never had enough courage to do so and we would’ve suffered for centuries without taking this step and I swear on the twelve sitting on the Olympus that this was the best thing you could do and…”

Sami presses a kiss in Mesut’s hair and Mesut smiles against his neck before finding his way to Sami’s mouth by leaving a trail of soft kisses on his jawline. When their lips finally meet it’s the sunlight slipping through grey clouds and fire embers lighting up the dark. They start it teasingly slow and Sami savours each moment of Mesut’s lips lightly brushing over his own, taking away his breath.

 “I can’t believe that it’s real,” Sami whispers when Mesut slightly shifts in his lap to find a better angle to deepen their kiss and Sami anxiously waits for his reaction, because they’re constantly in this state of overjoyed excitement of being together and Sami’s been really careful not to ruin their happiness with his doubts. But now the words have already been slipped out and Mesut is just staring at him with furrowed eyebrows.

“Hey,” Mesut eventually says and presses their foreheads together and Sami can’t tear his gaze away from the small golden dots glowing in Mesut’s brown eyes, and it’s warm, so incredibly warm. “It’s almost too nice to be real, I feel that too,” he adds and he tucks a longer curl behind Sami’s ear. “But it is, it really is,” Mesut practically breathes these words into a new kiss and Sami can only hope that somehow his gratitude and love can be felt in the way he opens his lips invitingly and he runs his fingers through Mesut’s hair.

Mesut gasps into the kiss and Sami’s heart is threatening to jump out of his ribcage because Mesut is grabbing his shoulder with one of his hands, but the other is sneaking under his shirt. Sami’s whole world goes bank as Mesut starts to explore his tightened abs and he doesn’t stop there, he slips his fingers under the hem of Sami’s pants and Sami lets out an almost tortured moan when Mesut’s fingertips reach his already half-hard cock and…

“Oh for fuck’s sake, I’m sorry,” a voice violently breaks their bubble and even through the pink haze, Sami can recognize that it’s Robert. He feels Mesut freeze in the middle of the kiss and he quickly pulls back his hand from Sami’s pants and a blush colours his cheeks burning red. Sami waits for the clicking sound of the door closing, but there’s nothing, so Robert must be still there, probably glaring at them with a stern look.

Sami sighs and takes Mesut’s slightly trembling hand in his own before tilting his head to see the man standing in the doorframe. He inspects Robert’s face, but under the apparent shock that two of his fellow gods seem to be in a serious relationship there’s only amused curiosity and something else, that Sami can’t quite decipher in this state.

“Do you need us for something?” Sami manages to collect himself to ask Robert and he knows that if it wasn’t obvious enough that they were in the middle of making out, his husky voice leaves no doubts about it.

“What do the gods eat on the Olympus?” Robert answers with a question and Sami looks at Mesut for confirmation that he heard it right. Mesut nods and he holds on Sami’s hand like his life depends on it.

“Apart from ambrosia, you mean?” Sami asks and it’s hands down the strangest situation he’s ever been.

“Yes. Is there anything else?”

Sami shrugs because they sometimes go to the Olympus with Basti and Lukas if they need to consult with the other gods, but they’ve never spent time there with eating. Sami watches as Mesut squirms in his seat and the redness is never leaving his face and he seems to be totally embarrassed to be walked upon by Robert like this. Though after a deep sigh he turns his head towards Robert and Sami turns his upper body in synch with Mesut in order to not break their hug.

“They can eat everything mortals can and they usually do so even if it’s not even close to the fulfilment of the ambrosia,” Mesut says in a surprisingly clear tone and Sami has no idea where the powerful pride and fondness that suddenly fills his chest has come from. “Is this about Thomas?” Mesut adds a second later and Sami tries to contain his excited gasp, because since the Thomas-incident no one really dares to ask Robert about how they’re doing. Of course, the Moirai have heard about the developments and Thomas’ visit in the Underworld from Miro, and if Mesut knew it, then he shared it with Sami, and that meant that Basti and Lukas knew it too. But it still catches Sami off guard that Robert nods and he doesn’t even attempt to deny anything.

“I remember that we brought him some fruits when he was here. He liked those a lot,” Mesut suggests and Sami feels as he slowly eases into the hug and his muscles aren’t so tense anymore. Sami can’t help but press a swift kiss on Mesut’s cheek and he doesn’t miss that Robert winces at the intimate gesture.

“Did this help?” Sami asks and he hopes with his entire being that yes, and Robert can leave them alone again.

“Definitely. Thank you,” Robert stands there awkwardly for a few moments, he clearly doesn’t know if he should say something else or he should just leave. “You can continue what you’ve been doing,” and he closes the door behind himself.

Sami stares at Mesut with a disbelieving look and they both burst out into laughter at the same time and then they do what Robert told them to, they pick up where they were interrupted.

 

***

 

“We should play something,” Thomas looks expectantly at Robert sitting a good three meters from him and he hopes that his suggestion doesn’t sound too absurd.

Okay, if he thinks about it a little, it is _absurd_ indeed because he spent almost a week with roaming in forests and endless fields just to think about how he should approach the fact that he’ll possibly visit the Underworld quite often. And when it felt like he was getting lost in the mess his thoughts were, he tried to switch his worrying consciousness completely off and simply let himself float around aimlessly. In this state of swinging back and forth between this obsessive overanalysing of everything connected to Robert and the carelessness of melting into the nature, Thomas realized what should’ve been pretty obvious right from the start.

“To play?” Robert raises an eyebrow and the blade of grass he’s playing with gradually turns into ice. Thomas shakes his head at the immediate reaction, which somehow, in a very very weird way seems to be more familiar than it should probably be.

“I was just thinking about this a lot,” Thomas starts explaining and he remembers that it’s not the first time he refers to the thing between them so vaguely, but no one should really complain because he doubts that there’s an actual word that comes even close to describing their relationship. “I mean you most likely know a lot of stuff about me, because you’ve been watching me from your mirror or whatever it is, but I’ve never met you before. And I guess the legends I’ve heard from the mortals about the most fearsome god whose name you shouldn’t even say out loud don’t quite characterize you.”

Thomas is actually proud of himself when he finishes talking because he managed to put into practice what he decided to do when he was pathetically lying under the starry sky and he grew an entire forest on a plain hill just for fun and the sake of distraction. He suspects that it won’t last too long, but at least he can try to be as confident and calm as he can during his meetings with Robert, if he wants to actually enjoy them. Even this thought, that he’d be ready to enjoy the presence of someone who made him suffer that much makes his skin feel too tight, and not necessarily in a good way.

“And you’d like to play a game? A game _game_?” Robert asks again and he seems to be truly shocked.

“Well, I don’t know if you can call it a game, but we should definitely get to know better. At least that’s what you said when you came to my house. That you want to really know who I am. Which is funny because recently I’ve had a lot of problems with figuring this out, but…” Thomas bites down on his lips because he’s talking way too much and he’s starting to get way too personal and he doesn’t even have any idea why he feels this urge to open up so quickly to Robert. “Anyway. I would kind of like to know more about you too. And I don’t really think that we should just tell our whole life story right now, because of obvious reasons,” Robert looks startled at this point and Thomas instinctively speaks even more, as it could erase that stubborn wrinkle between Robert’s eyebrows. “So I had this idea to play something and I don’t know, now it doesn’t sound that exciting anymore, but here it is. We could say some statements, things like: your favourite colour is red or you like to spend time staring at the souls of the dead or whatever and you’d tell me if I’m right or wrong.”

“Why wouldn’t you simply ask me what’s my favourite colour?” Robert asks and Thomas finds it quite funny, because this is such a mundane thing to say, and they’re fucking gods in the middle of the Underworld and the Lethe is flowing right next to them and they’re about to guess each other’s favourite colours.

“That’s the point of the game,” Thomas explains patiently and he feels a smile playing around the corner of his lips. “You have to guess, that’s the fun part. Because I can be entirely wrong, but maybe I guess something correctly and that’d make me feel pretty… good?”

Robert still looks confused and in this moment Thomas almost forgets about everything and he’s surprisingly close to feel at ease. He even takes a grape from the pile of fruits Robert brought with him as he waits for some response.

“And what if you guess it wrong?” Robert still seems to be rather puzzled and it occurs only now to Thomas that it might be just him who has this passion for games because he spends so much time in the company of his friends, but Robert probably hasn’t played anything in ages. Or judging by the way he looks, maybe entire centuries.

“Then you can tell me the right answer or you can only give me some hints and I’ll continue guessing further,” Thomas takes another grape in his mouth and he watches quite contently as Robert’s forehead finally smoothens and he slowly nods.

“You can start,” Robert says and there are a few new ice patches appearing around him.

“Okay,” Thomas now really smiles and he even surprises himself by being so thrilled about a game that’s neither creative, nor supposedly exciting. It still makes his blood rush in his veins quicker as he thinks about a first prediction. “You like strawberries.”

He has to admit that it’s not the most fantastic way to start their getting to know game thingy, but Robert seems to be really tense and Thomas would probably lose his temporary calmness too, if they’d begin with something more serious.

Robert stares at Thomas with an unreadable look in his icy blue eyes and then he looks at the fruit basket next to him. Then he shifts back his attention to Thomas again and Thomas wonders if it’s just his mind playing with him or Robert’s eyes really are a little bit deeper blue like they were a few days ago.

“You should tell me if I was right or not,” Thomas says after moments of silence spent with Robert watching him intently with those unbelievably bright eyes.

“I don’t know,” Robert eventually mutters and he shrugs his shoulders in a really hopeless way. “I’ve never eaten strawberries.”

Now it’s Thomas’ turn to stare incredulously at the other man and after the initial shock he searches through the fruits for some strawberries. He stands up from the grass and he doesn’t think twice before he closes the distance between him and Robert with a few long strides. It’s only when he’s looking down at the still sitting god he realizes that he would’ve needed like five more centimetres to touch Robert and probably freeze his entire leg. He instinctually takes a step back and he can’t ignore the painful flinch straining Robert’s expression.

“You should try them,” Thomas says after a moment of hesitation and he inhales and exhales deeply to calm down his frantically beating heart. He only sees now how close he was to hurting himself – both of them? – because he almost forgot where he was.

“Put that strawberry down and please go back to where you’ve been sitting,” Robert has such a sad look written all over his face that Thomas obeys him without a word and it’s extremely strange, because what Robert said might sound like a command, but Thomas still doesn’t feel like he _needs_ to do it. Instead of that, he chooses to accept what Robert requested and it’s a seemingly irrelevant thing, but somewhere deep down Thomas senses that it’s not, that it’s most likely even more important than he’d like to admit.

Thomas has gotten so lost in this recognition that he missed when Robert took the strawberry in his hand, but now the small fruit seems almost obscenely red compared to his pale fingers. When Thomas blinks he sees Robert’s hands covered in blood and there are small cuts from the broken glass. He blinks again and the skin is unhurt and there isn’t any blood, only the strawberry.

Then Robert tastes it and Thomas suddenly feels dizzy and he has absolutely no idea why there’s a lump in his throat and why he feels like he should turn away or close his eyes, because this sight is surely not meant for anyone to see. Robert’s eyelids are heavy and his lips look so full around that damn strawberry and Thomas has his eyes glued on him and he should feel uncomfortable. The fruit was so juicy that there’s a drop left on Robert’s lower lip and he licks it off with his eyes still closed, at least he can’t see that Thomas literally can’t tear his gaze away from him.

“You like strawberries,” Thomas decides that this is the only way he can pretend that he wasn’t feeling this awkward twist in his lower belly at the sight of Robert eating his first strawberry ever. Robert, the ruler of the Underworld.

Robert opens his eyes with a dreamy smile. “True.”

Thomas looks down at his lap and he realizes that this game won’t be that simple and uncomplicated as he expected it to be.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think about this story, your feedback always means incredibly much for me, even if it's just a simple I liked it <3


	15. there there, it's only me and you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my, I'm so sorry for such a late late update, I've had a terrible writer's block and I wanted to write so much, but it felt like I don't even know what English words are. It's so relieving that this chapter is finally here, I hope that it was kind of worth the wait. Enjoy it <3

 

 

 

“It’s your turn now,” Thomas says and he takes another grape in his hands, not because he’s hungry, gods don’t quite feel hunger, he just needs to have something to fidget with and focus on, because otherwise he might do things he’d later hate himself for. Like to stare without even blinking at perfect little _o_ that Robert’s lips form each time he eats a strawberry.

“Your best friend is Philipp,” Robert says and Thomas instinctively smiles at the thought of Philipp because he has practically no idea what he would’ve done without the patience and incredible support of the tiny god in the past months. He might have found a way to drown in self-pity despite being immortal.

“He is,” Thomas still has a faint smile on his lips as he says this and he hesitates a second before continuing to talk. “Would you like me to tell more about our friendship?”

Robert doesn’t answer immediately and Thomas lifts his eyes to see his reaction even though he promised like two minutes ago that he won’t let himself be distracted. But he is distracted, he hopelessly is, and he has no idea where his sudden oversensitivity has come from because his skin feels too tight and he’s more aware of every tiny detail than he usually is.

So he needs to bite the inside of his mouth when Robert starts talking and it’s painfully difficult to capture the meaning of his words when his lips are moving so… Thomas can’t even describe it, he doesn’t even know if it’s been like this before or the Underworld is making him lose his mind and he’s seeing things that don’t even exist.

“Wouldn’t that be against the rules of the game?” there’s a tiny wrinkle appearing between Robert’s eyebrows. “You gave an answer to my statement and isn’t that it?”

Thomas searches Robert’s expression and he realizes in awe that Robert _really_ thinks that their game, or probably every game in general should have strict, unchangeable rules. He tries to collect himself as much as he can to give another patient and smiling explanation to Robert about playing, without having to deal with uncomfortable thoughts that hypersexualize almost every movement of Robert.

“It might be against the current rules, because we kind of agreed to make just these statements. But it was quite a spontaneous idea and I haven’t thought it through, and now I see that it’s probably more interesting if we expand the topic or something like that. So if you’re interested, I can talk about my relationship with Philipp and then at the next question-thing you can also share more things,” Thomas watches as Robert’s furrowed brows ease up a bit, but he still seems to be quite unsure. “We make the rules, you know?”

Robert nods and he’s a little surprised, but Thomas can’t think about it right now, because he’s shocked that he has used _we_ so naturally like it’s been always like that.

If he thought before that things won’t get any more complicated, then he was completely wrong, because the fine lines warning him that Robert’s still someone who caused him a lot of pain are getting blurry.

“We make the rules,” Robert echoes what Thomas said and his face lightens up behind this disbelieving sort of contentment that’s been written all over him since Thomas’ arrival. Thomas couldn’t _not_ see it. “Then please tell me more about Philipp and you,” Robert adds and Thomas doesn’t know yet again if his mind is playing with him or Robert’s voice is truly that soft and it lacks that previous icy edge.

“He’s the one who’s practically always been here for me. I mean, I know that it sounds like a horrendous cliché, but to be honest I can’t even recall an important moment in my life when Philipp wasn’t there. And he’s known me since I was a baby and he usually puts up with every mess I make. But you probably know him too because there must’ve been a time when. Well,” Thomas stops for a bit and he’s not sure if he should carry on with what he started.

Robert saves him the headache though.

“Yeah, there was a time when I visited the Olympus more often. And I met Philipp again when I went to your house and he’s still the same as he was I don’t know, centuries ago? Maybe more threatening,” Thomas listens to Robert and he’s astonished because they’ve gone from the strawberry question to talking quite comfortably about Philipp, gods bless him that he helps Thomas out even when he’s not present.

“Threatening?” Thomas asks back, not because he doesn’t know that Philipp can be very serious, he experienced it many times, it’s more like about the strange curiosity that’s overtaking his worries about Robert or him being in a place where he supposedly should feel uncomfortable. Definitely not at ease like he in fact does feel.

It’s not that easy to acknowledge that he’s not here anymore to put an end to his constant fight with the voice in his head about saving Robert and his never ending question loop about their life threads. He might just simply enjoy his stay. And that’s something he would have never expected, not even this morning when he woke up.

“He didn’t say it explicitly, but it really felt like he would find a way to end my life if I ever hurt you again. This was right before he disappeared and he let me alone with you.”

“So you don’t hurt me just because Philipp said so?” Thomas asks without thinking and covers his mouth with his cold hands, like he can unsay what he just spilled out. This is too much even for his big mouth, because he didn’t say it accusingly like he would’ve said a few weeks or even days ago. Noooo, it was some not even subtle teasing and Thomas can’t believe himself.

“No,” Robert smiles shyly and Thomas should look away immediately for the sake of his own sanity, but Robert’s bright blue eyes are like magnets and suddenly it doesn’t feel that unattractive that they seem to be constantly gravitating towards each other. “I don’t know if I said it, but I would never. Never do something again that’s against your will.”

Thomas gasps softly at Robert’s statement and it’s a terribly mixed sensation, he feels this tightness in his muscles again because even though he’s learning to accept that he doesn’t _hate_ Robert anymore, he just shouldn’t jump on the new sensation so quickly. It’s way past his comfort zone, but recently everything’s been exceeding the limits Thomas considered kind of set in stone.

“Maybe we should continue the game,” he mutters after a few moments of silence.

He says it to Robert, but it’s mostly meant to himself, to keep him on the ground and remind him that this getting to know or whatever shouldn’t imply so so so many connotations. Just the simplest game ever, Thomas recites it as a mantra. He knows it deep inside that it may have started as something like that, but his life is so messed up that everything turns out completely different than he initially expects it to.

“Okay,” Robert taps with his fingers on his thigh and for the first time Thomas is glad that the usual ice patches appear on the black pants at the place of Robert’s fingertips, because it means that it’s not only him who feels tiny claws of nervousness tingling under his skin. “Your turn.”

“You don’t feel comfortable up there because you have some unsorted issues with Iker,” Thomas has been thinking about it lately, when he wasn’t too caught up in overanalyzing his own distressing feelings. And this game has reached such a level just after two statements that he finds the courage to ask such a tricky thing. Just a simple game, he repeats again, not that it helps too much.

“You can put it that way,” Thomas observes that Robert forms the words very carefully and that heavy cloud that’s usually covering his forehead but has disappeared for a while is back again with full swing.  

“So true or false?” he asks and he knows that he’s dancing on a knife’s edge because Robert’s eyes are darker now, not that dazzling anymore and the grass is freezing with a worrying speed around him. And there’s silence that Thomas would love to break, but it’s him who started it, so.

“More true than false,” Robert eventually forces himself to reply and it would be a blatant lie to say that it’s a satisfying answer. Curiosity is consuming Thomas, a welcome addition to the thousands of other feelings eating him alive, but he watches his mouth this time and doesn’t overstretch their presumed personal borders.

“You can ask now,” Thomas says instead of pondering more on the tense relationship between Iker and Robert, he’ll have more than enough time for that on one of his many sleepless nights. Because he still has a lot of those. And the relieved sigh that escapes Robert’s strawberry red lips is oddly gratifying.

“Look, maybe I can talk about it one day, if…” Robert begins to explain and Thomas doesn’t intend to, but he flinches at a possible future which suggests that they will be still a thing. Or maybe he just flinches because he can’t decide if it’s terrifying or more like… appealing?

“You don’t have to,” Thomas cuts off Robert’s starting ramble because he knows it too well how awkward it is when he feels the urge to explain something that’s probably obvious to the other, just because he feels so insecure about it. “I wouldn’t have thought that I’ll say this, but it should be some kind of a reciprocated thing, that you don’t hurt me and I don’t hurt you. So if you don’t want to explain, then there’s no need to.”

Thomas even surprises himself by how mature he sounds and it’s been such a long time ago since he felt really confident and proud of himself in a good way, that it makes a pool of warmth spread in his chest.

Robert doesn’t answer with words, but Thomas who’s always been a man of talking doesn’t care because the quickly expanding ice area stops a good meter from the place he sits and he sees something he would’ve never expected to see on the face of the god of the Underworld.

Robert must get everything he desires in a matter of seconds, but now he seems to be utterly completely incredibly grateful. And Thomas understands it just from some very subtle fluctuations of his expression. As if they finally clicked.

It didn’t happen when they saw each other for the first time, when Robert violently took him away from the circle of his friends. It didn’t happen when they had this indescribable tension straining between them when Thomas only felt hate, so powerful hate. It didn’t happen when Robert was crying and he was lost as fuck and let Thomas go home. It didn’t happen when Thomas let Robert in his house. And it didn’t happen the last time he they sat here at the Lethe.

But it happens now and Thomas is speechless.

“You would really drink from the Lethe,” Robert’s voice breaks into the cacophony of thoughts in Thomas’ mind and compared to his previous moment of vulnerability, he sounds calm now. So calm that Thomas starts to think that it’s only him who felt this weird tug around his heart.

“False,” he doesn’t require any further thinking now. “I was certainly thinking about it, but as I said, I’m hoping that I can deal with everything. It’d be a bit cowardish to just back down like that.”

“You really think that it’d be cowardish?” Robert asks after swallowing hard. And through this newly discovered connection between Robert and him Thomas feels a very slight pull of discomfort.

“I don’t know, I feel like for me it’s time to face… maybe life, if I’d like to sound dramatic. Not that I’m grateful for you kidnapping me,” Thomas can’t help but add this sarcastic remark and he doesn’t regret it, not even when the wrinkles are back on Robert’s forehead. It’s one thing to start to feel a lot better in Robert’s presence, but too soft heart here or there, these traumas are still constantly present, haunting. “And I probably would’ve found my way somehow else too, but if it already happened and I already thought _a lot_ about it, it’s maybe really time. If I’d withdrawn now, I’d certainly be a coward,” Thomas shifts in his seat under Robert’s intense gaze that doesn’t want to leave him and it’s inspecting his every single reaction. It might be because of that, but Thomas feels the urge to add something else. “But I don’t assume that my situation is the worst, so there might be cases when forgetting is the only way. Then I guess it’s quite a brave thing to decide like this, to leave every known thing behind.”

Robert doesn’t answer and Thomas somehow _knows_ that he’s been so defensive about Thomas calling those cowards who simply want to forget everything because he must’ve been there at a certain point. Well, Thomas must admit that he kinda felt that too when he reached his utmost low and he couldn’t even survive being alone so he went to Philipp and cried his soul out.

“I’m taking it back, it’s not cowardish,” it’s more like a whisper from Thomas. “Are you satisfied with this answer?” Thomas doesn’t ask this to attack Robert, but it still comes out too harshly.

“It’s not about me being satisfied,” Robert sounds almost offended. “If you don’t mean it, you don’t have to say it, because I’m just curious of your views, that’s it. And I’m…” he clears his throat before continuing. “I was seriously thinking about it in the past and I don’t know, it didn’t feel too good that someone whose opinion I’m appreciating would think like that. About me.”

“So you’re appreciating my opinion?” Thomas asks back, and the first time he didn’t mix up what he had to say with this teasing subtext subconsciously, now he’s doing it on purpose, to ease up Robert’s sudden change of mood.

“That’s not the point,” Robert says and Thomas just stares at him because there’s no sign that Robert caught that he was making some bad efforts to lighten him up. Because he might die from curiosity, but again, there’s this more than questionable feeling nestling itself deep in his consciousness that tells him that he shouldn’t ask more. Not now.

“I know that it’s not the point, I was trying to subtly switch topics because you obviously won’t tell me now when you’ve been so desperate that you just wanted to forget. And I won’t bug you with it, that’s why I wanted to shift our attention to something else,” Thomas feels like he’s getting pretty good at explaining things that perceives as evident, but for Robert they don’t seem to be that clear cut.

“I fuck up even basic communication, right,” it’s not even a question and Robert is practically radiating this blunt sadness, that’s filtering through the cracks in his walls from time to time.

Thomas only needs a split second to come up with a suitable response for that.

“False,” Thomas says and he should definitely not be this satisfied when some of the tension in Robert’s shoulders visibly dissolves and a half smile appears in the corner of his lips. He doesn’t let Robert open his mouth and sink back into his choking sadness, in lack of a better word describing it.

“You enjoy my company a lot, much more than you’d like to admit,” Thomas says instead of any kind of supposedly comforting sentences that would only dig deeper into the wounds cause by whatever the reason of Robert’s constant state of coldness is. And that wouldn’t make anything better. “True or false?” he even adds to make it hundred percent clear that he’s continuing the game.

Robert looks at him with wide eyes and Thomas would bet that his iris is almost white again, but it’s not cold in a very strange way, there’s a certain warmth in it that catches Thomas off guard.

“True,” Robert’s answer is low rumble and it sends shivers down Thomas’ back, and for the very first time he’s not scared of these goosebumps. He embraces them without any fear.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your feedback, it means incredibly much and it always keeps me going <3


	16. you're all I see and you're all I feel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you a lot for encouraging me with your kudos and your sweet and kind words, I never feel like I'm highlighting it enough. And I'd like to tell you that it's truly your feedback that keeps me going, so if you liked what you're reading, please let me know. It just means the world <3  
> Oh, and this chapter is extra long, I hope you'll like it :)  
> Also, if you're interested in it, I did some research while writing about Thomas and Robert and I initially took the 16personalities test to see how well I know them. But I really liked the result and sometimes I'm using the descriptions from the site to see if I'm getting their characterization right. So Idk, if you're interested, Robert is INTJ and Thomas is ENFP.  
> Enjoy the chapter <3

 

 

 

Thomas looks up at the sky again and he enjoys the warmth of the sun on his cheeks. It has never felt so intense and he is sure that it must have to do something with his two voluntary visits to the Underworld. They weren’t extremely long compared to his previous stay with all the darkness, but it’s still too unusual to spend time on the other side of the world and even if the temperature is pretty okay next to the Lethe, it all drains him each time.  

And now he’s here with Gigi and he only wants to focus on the fresh scent of grass and the calming warmness radiating from the sun and probably from Gigi too. Or at least Thomas has felt warmer around him ever since he was a child.

He blinks when there are tears welling up in the corner of his eyes from the brightness and the whole world whitens out around him. It’s such an incredible moment of bliss that he can’t help it, he’s smiling, for the first time in a long _long_ period without any problems on his mind, carelessly.  

When he lowers his gaze his neck muscles hurt from being strained but as he exhales and inhales he can almost feel as the oh-so-much missed glow slowly sneaks back under his skin. He must smile again because he was craving to have it back, the pool of warmth in his chest that makes him _Thomas_. Gigi has fondness written all over his face as Thomas’ gaze meets his eyes.

“Thank you for helping me clear up the mess I made,” Gigi tells him and Thomas wonders if he’s just hallucinating or Gigi’s voice is truly even softer than it usually is when they’re together.

“I’m glad that you asked,” Thomas answers and he really means it and by the glimmer in Gigi’s eyes, Gigi has understood that.

They don’t talk for a while and continue to work in perfect synch. Because it’s work. The fields and forests are destroyed in this entire region of Greece and Thomas doesn’t even want to think too much about what Gigi must’ve felt when he did all this. He burnt trees to ashes and there were parched lands as far as Thomas could see the first time they came here. That was not long after Robert set him free like a damn captive bird and then he was so lost that he only followed Gigi like a shadow and he could do barely anything. Plus he was trying hard to maintain the façade that he was completely okay and nothing had changed and that took away all his remaining energy.

Compared to that he’s a lot better now and he can really do something to get back the past glory of these lands.

“It’s quite symbolic in a way,” Thomas breaks their comfortable silence and Gigi looks at him from the corner of his eyes to show that he’s listening. His hands are occupied with re-growing the olive trees in a neat row, almost exactly like they’ve been before. The leaves are even greener now and Thomas knows that it’s not only because Gigi loves nature, but also because it’s his silent way to repress his pride and apologize to the mortals. Thomas continues to walk alongside Gigi and his fingertips are itching pleasantly as he focuses all his power on covering the ground with grass.

“I know that it’s not about me at all, but it’s therapeutic to be here and reconstruct everything,” Thomas explains. “It’s like I’m gluing my own pieces together too, not just this place. And right now I don’t necessarily feel like it’s a bad thing. I might change my mind later, but…” and he doesn’t finish it immediately, first he needs to see Gigi’s expression because change and whatnot, that little boy inside of him will never be gone.

Gigi’s eyebrows are drawn together, but he doesn’t seem to be mad at Thomas. He looks more like he tries very hard to understand and maybe, maybe accept what Thomas has to tell. So Thomas dares to continue. “Okay, now I certainly believe that this is strangely good. I’m figuring out a lot of things and I’m not saying that my late coming of age story couldn’t have started better. Because I still didn’t completely forgive Robert and I probably never will. But it happened and I understood that I can’t act like there wasn’t anything.”

“And you’d like to make the best out of this mess, hm?” Gigi asks quietly and he closes the distance between him and Thomas. Thomas instinctively leans against him and he lets out such a deep sigh that his lungs threaten to burst to the tiniest of chunks.

Thomas just nods and his heart might be beating a lot faster than usually, but Gigi is wrapping him completely up in a tight hug and the sun is twice as bright as a second ago. He’s melting and it’s the best feeling ever.

“Do you want us to talk about it?” Thomas feels Gigi’s words resonate through his broad chest and he lets himself ease into the hug without any further thinking.

“Won’t it hurt you?” Thomas whispers into Gigi’s shoulder. The answer is a low chuckle.

“I don’t know, it might,” Gigi says while he absentmindedly plays with the short hairs on Thomas’ nape. “But it means that you trust me enough to tell me more about it, so I couldn’t care less.”

Eventually Gigi pushes Thomas gently away and there’s an encouraging smile in the corner of his lips as he directs Thomas towards the spot where they left off their so-called cleaning up. They go back to working in unison with their movements completing each other and Thomas suspects that Gigi is curious, well, he must’ve inherited his endless curiosity from someone, but he still gives Thomas enough space to think.

“I don’t quite know where to start though,” Thomas says after a while and he knows that it’s the weirdest thing to hear from him because it rarely happens that words fail him.

"Do you want me to ask you?" Gigi shifts his attention to Thomas again and stops in the middle of arranging the leaves of one of the olive trees.

"That's exactly what Philipp suggested not so long after that ball which should've celebrated my return," Thomas' smile is bittersweet, not because he's losing his newly found confidence, but because it's kind of eerie to remember how different he was only weeks ago. His whole life is turning upside down ever since Robert appeared out of the nowhere. "And it helped then too, so yeah, that's a good idea."

Gigi hums and Thomas is sure that his piercing blue eyes can easily look through his skin and there's nothing that can remain hidden under that intense gaze.

"When you told Iker and me that you're going to the Underworld, it wasn't only because you wanted to find out what's going on with yourself, right? There's something about Robert too," Gigi is relentlessly keeping eye contact with Thomas and it's impossible not to think through everything twice because with these eyes staring right into Thomas' heart, he must really answer honestly. And for that, Thomas needs to bring up some thoughts to the surface of his conscience that he likes to keep there, in the very depths. It's true that he's quite enthusiastically learning how to embrace these changes, but it doesn't go from one day to the other just like that.

"I didn't dare to think too much about it," Thomas shrugs and he goes ahead quickly because he sees that Gigi's ready to interrupt him and it might be an intended encouragement, but it can also be something like if Thomas isn't okay with it, he won’t force him to talk about these things.

The thing is that Thomas knows that if he'd hear that coming from Gigi's mouth then he would immediately stop and leave _everything_ that's unsettling simply be. Until it builds and builds and builds up and his gates can't bear it anymore and it'll be a flood that takes his sanity away.

That's why Thomas doesn't let Gigi finish and continues talking. "But it's definitely time for it, I guess. Though I could probably think about it as much and possible and still not have a proper answer because let's just say that my..." he stops here because it's unexpectedly difficult to define what the hell the thing between Robert and him is. Gigi's the one who helps him out.

"You can call it a relationship if you can’t find a better word for it."

Thomas repeats the world a few times in his mind. Relationship, relationship, relationship. Not a relation, nothing formal or distant as it should probably be, it implies quite a lot more than that and Thomas wonders if Gigi used the word on purpose. The main problem with _relationship_ is that it dances on this very thin edge between simple acquaintances and friends? Partners? Or does it describe even their situation, that the universe fucked both of their lives up when it casually decided that they should be connected?

"Okay, my relationship with him," Thomas says before he can overanalyze the meaning of the word even more. He convinces himself that he uses it strictly referring to two people interacting with each other in a rather polite and just slightly personal way, nothing going behind the fine line that separates his friends and family from the others. And Robert’s certainly in the others category.

“I don’t hate him anymore, maybe that’s the most important. I already knew it when I told you about my plans to spend time in the Underworld, but since that it developed even further. We’re trying to get to know each other more and yeah, I kind of find him interesting. I don’t know why, it’s that he seems to be so lost when it comes to social interactions or doing spontaneous things. And he freezes everything around him and if it wouldn’t be for that, I’d think that he doesn’t feel anything. Not a single emotion. But he’s probably more emotionally unstable than anyone I know. Maybe I want to know more about the changes in myself,” and Thomas winces when he realizes what he’s going to say next, but he previously promised silently that he won’t lie to Gigi. And he won’t lie to himself.

It comes out under a single breath and it’s hoarser than Thomas’ voice normally is. “I’d also like to know more about him. I have no idea why, it’s sort of a gut feeling, but I just _feel_ like it can only happen at the same time, it only makes sense that way.”

Gigi frowns and it catches Thomas’ attention again that these deep wrinkles on Gigi’s forehead show that he couldn’t be farther from being a human. It’s the same with every god, they could most likely blend into a group of mortals and no one could tell that they’re different if they hide their powers carefully. But these small details, like Gigi’s wrinkles or Thiago’s eyes that sometimes look like they’ve got a touch of infinity in them and, these talk about inhumane knowledge and an entirely different perception of time.

Thomas gets so lost in his thoughts that Gigi’s words shock him even more than they should.

“Haven’t you thought about your connected life threads as something that really has a meaning?”

Thomas slowly shakes his head and he waits for Gigi to expand his idea with wide eyes.

“Okay,” Gigi mumbles instead of explaining and Thomas’ world feels like it’s shaking again at the thought-fragment that emerges from the back of his mind as he involuntarily considers what Gigi said. “I have a theory that I’m far from sure that I like, but we should talk more about your relationship first.”

And Thomas would bet on his damn immortal life that Gigi put the accent on relationship.

 

***

 

Robert looks at Thomas and he has no idea what's going on with the other man. They're at the Lethe again and Robert doesn't mind it at all, even though at first it seemed to be a very strange idea and he got some questioning looks from both Mats and Benni when he somehow slipped it out that Thomas has agreed to visit him regularly.

But during their previous two meetings Thomas slowly eased up and Robert, despite his rusty conversational skills and emotional everything, he truly felt that Thomas was okay with being here.

Now they're sitting on the grass again on their usual places, Thomas closer to the little lake, wrapped up in some furs that Robert brought him for today and Robert is keeping their safety distance, paying even more attention to it since the strawberry incident.

So the setting is the same and that shouldn't be the problem. Or at least it wouldn't be a problem for Robert because he rarely feels comfortable anywhere, but on those occasions when he does, then it's always a place he knows like the back of his hand and he can be completely sure that there won't be anything that destroys his fragile balance.

Maybe it's different with Thomas, the thought hits him. Maybe he likes variety and he's getting bored and he hates being in Robert's company and that's the reason why he's so unusually quiet and he's been doing nothing else than fidgeting with the short grass blades since he arrived. Almost an hour ago.

"Thomas?" Robert lets the name flow through him and he's worried by how soft it sounds when it comes out loud.

Thomas lifts his eyes from the ground and Robert curses, for the first time in centuries that he isolated himself and rarely spent time with others because he's gotten terrible at communication. The gods of the Underworld were so open with him at first, but Robert coldly pushed them away and they’re some kind of friends, but not very close ones, because he just couldn't talk to them after… _After_. He shakes his head as if that would be enough to make these shadows of the past disappear.

"You know that you don't have to stay here just because we agreed on it a week ago," Robert says and he must admit that it hurts a bit because now he's already sure that it's just going to end here. It's much better anyway if he's the one who suggests it, he spares Thomas some awkward, nicely-formulated goodbyes that are in fact just excuses.

Thomas doesn't answer and Robert can't understand it. He gave Thomas the best opportunity to escape from him and he's not acting on it. Instead of talking, Thomas is rhythmically patting on the grass with his fingertips and with each little movement there are white flowers appearing around him. Robert wonders if he should tell Thomas again that he can leave when he wants, he doesn't have to stay, he doesn't have, _he doesn't have_. It's Robert who should know it the best that repeating something like a mantra won't change anything.

“You should never again feel like I’m forcing you,” Robert adds after another while spent in silence that’s making him want to scream his lungs out until it burns because that’d be still better than this. It’s incredible that he, the man of long silences wants Thomas to talk so badly.

Thomas still keeps his thoughts to himself and Robert doesn’t know what he should do because words are failing him and they’re not even close to the point when he could simply offer Thomas physical comfort. Not that he could touch him, he remembers and this has never been a soothing thought, but now it’s even worse and Robert can’t find a logical, rational explanation to it. Ever since he went to Thiago and learned about their connection, his world’s slowly turning upside down and he doesn’t hate it even if he probably should. And it’s been very long times ago since he last felt this indescribable urge to touch someone and he can’t control it.

Eventually Thomas stands up and he walks to the shore of the Lethe and Robert doesn’t dare to mirror his movements and go there next to him, he just watches as patches of daisies spring to life in Thomas’ footsteps. Thomas brings warmth and life everywhere he goes and Robert… Only cold and death.

It chokes him.

“I just had a talk with Gigi and it caught me off guard. I’m not really in the mood for anything,” Thomas mumbles and Robert lets out such a terribly big sigh because it’s not him then. It’s not him. “Sorry,” Thomas adds and he’s leaning really close to the water again, just like he did the first time they came here.

Robert only hesitates a second. “You said that I should never apologize again. We’re past that,” and it tastes so good to use we, even if they’re still so uncertain and Robert likes to be on his own, totally independent. With Thomas though, things are changing so radically. “So you don’t need to do that either.”

Thomas turns back quickly and Robert is so afraid that he’ll lose his balance and end up in the water. That’s shocking again, because he thought that there are only like six or seven gods who he cared about because he’s been spending the last centuries almost solely together.

He needed a lot of time to get closer to them too and he’s carefully keeping his walls up most of the times. The thing is, that now he’s _voluntarily_ letting his meticulously built walls crumble. It means that he’s feeling concerned when it comes to Thomas and this instinctual caring gets stronger each time.

“Yeah, you’re right,” Robert hears the faint, tired little smile in Thomas’ voice and he’s so glad that the other man takes a step back and he’s not that close to the Lethe.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Robert asks and he can only hope that he doesn’t cross their blurry lines with this suggestion. That Thomas can share something that’s bothering him with Robert. It’s such an abstract and unreal idea that it surprises Robert a lot when Thomas starts walking back and forth on the shore and he’s clearly searching for words to tell Robert what’s going on, it’s so obvious that even Robert understands these signs.

“It was about you by the way,” Thomas says.

Robert tilts his head because he has no other way to respond. Thomas has been talking about him with Gigi who is one of the most important people in his life, Robert knows it from the period when well, he’s been watching Thomas from the mirror. So that means that it’s not only Robert who constantly has Thomas on his mind, it must be a little bit true the other way around too.

“You know that Gigi destroyed a lot of parts of Greece when you kept me down here, right?” Thomas winces while he asks Robert the question and Robert nods silently, looking straight at the flowers at Thomas’ feet because he’s not ready to keep eye contact and to see glimmers of accusation or hurt in Thomas’ eyes.

“Well, I’ve been helping him with restoring these places this last week and yesterday we had a talk. I mean there’s always something we chat about when we’re together, but the topic inevitably changed and it was you and you kidnapping me. And this whole new start. And my visits here. The thing is that I didn’t expect Gigi to approve it at all because he’s not like Philipp, but you probably know his ways,” Thomas stops and looks down at the sitting Robert with the questioning expression on his face.

Robert nods again because it might have been a long time ago, but he still knows the Olympian gods quite well. Gigi is extremely gentle and heartfelt, but very explosive at the same time. He must’ve been furious when Robert took away his precious son without consent and he must hate Robert.

“But instead of scolding me for my decisions, he seemed to be calm, very calm about it and I had to ask him why and I probably wish I didn’t because… He told me that he felt so empty when you took me away and he thought that I was hurt. In his anger he destroyed places, he wanted Iker to pay attention to him, to do something with you to get me back. And then you let me go, just like that and suddenly there was even more emptiness in him. Because all the pain, it was for _nothing_. If it wasn’t enough, I was not okay. I’m not entirely okay. Or I don’t know,” Thomas pauses here and Robert feels this urge again, to take those few steps separating him and Thomas and do something that makes Thomas feel better and soothes him well enough to continue talking without hurting himself. Of course he can’t do anything and his only option is to listen carefully.

“You have to understand it. I don’t know you so well yet, but I guess you have something that you love more than anything else in the world. Then imagine that you have to make this thing suffer and you must destroy it in order to attract someone’s attention on your problem. And then out of the blue, your problem is solved and you’re left there with nothing. You caused a lot of pain, in vain. You can’t undo it and you’re empty.”

Robert feels even colder as usually as he listens to Thomas’ words, because Thomas wouldn’t know but this feeling he’s just described is horribly familiar to him and as always when these memories start ripping open like some half-healed wounds, he feels like throwing up. Fortunately Thomas doesn’t need a long break and he talks more and more and his voice is soft.

“I just told you this to see Gigi’s eventual reaction in perspective. Because he’s supportive of my choices and he tries to understand them and I couldn’t be more grateful for it. The biggest thing is that after I told him that I might not only want to come here to sort myself out, but also because,” and Robert finally dares to look into Thomas’ eyes, but it’s only a matter of seconds because it’s Thomas’ turn to lower his gaze and Robert wonders if there’s truly a faint blush colouring his cheeks rosy. “I also kind of want to get to know you too,” it comes out more like a single world and not an articulated sentence but it means the world to Robert.

“And how did Gigi react to this?” Robert asks quietly and Thomas continues avoiding looking at Robert while he answers.

“He basically said that I should ask myself the question why we’re connected. He thinks that it’s not just some coincidence because I gotta accept that there are powers that are stronger than us. And I should be thankful that my road is already half-paved and he definitely meant it as. Well. That it leads to you. Fuck, this is what he said, that we should work out how to get over the past and focus on what’s given. He also added that he’ll torture you and kill you if you hurt me in any way, but. The main idea is still the same. Gigi, who is supposed to hate everything that involves _you_ and _me_ likes the thought of us being like a... Fuck,” Thomas gracelessly slumps on the grass and he stares at Robert in awe.

Because it’s probably only now that he said it out loud that he comprehends every detail. And Robert can understand him because he’s in complete shock too and he can’t believe, simply can’t believe that Gigi of all gods doesn’t despise him. Oh no, Gigi can see them as a _fucking couple._ Fuck indeed.

Now that they’re at the same eye level again it’s harder to look away and they’re both so frozen that they don’t do it. Robert gets lost in trying to read Thomas’ puzzled expression, to see something, something that can break this stupor and continue, just one more step.

To tell Robert that it’s either just a joke before a definitive goodbye or it’s real _real_ and there’s a chance of the brightest future in front of them. One so dazzling that Robert can barely take a grip on the concept.

“Could we continue our game, please?” Robert’s question draws out a surprised gasp from Thomas and he looks even more bewildered than before.

“Yes?” Thomas says and he sounds far from convinced. Robert is far from convinced too that this is the best idea, but he has to know what Thomas is thinking about this and he needs to be sure. Hundred per cent sure. “It’s your turn as I can recall.”

Robert clears his throat before formulating the biggest question that’s troubling him as a statement, suiting the rules of their game.

“You can’t imagine that it’s possible what Gigi said,” Robert says and then he’s not so sure if it was clear enough, leaving no space for any misunderstandings. “You can’t imagine that we’ll be, one day… together,” when Robert utters _together_ there’s already so much tension in the air that he can’t breathe and he can’t tear his gaze away from Thomas’ wide wide wide eyes.

Thomas looks a tiny bit scared and Robert hopes that it’s not his presence that’s making him feel like this. And what’s even more, he’s starting to sense some strange fluctuations at the edge of his consciousness, like there’s something unfamiliar there, restless little specks that he can hardly pick out.

But they’re there, vibrating, and they’re making Robert feel even more scared of the answer. He has no idea what this weird feeling is, but he doesn’t have the time to think about it anymore, because Thomas bites down of his lower lip and he’s concentrating so hard.

“I…” he whispers and his voice is throaty. Robert’s heart is on the verge of jumping out of his chest and Thomas still doesn’t continue. He’s fixing his warm eyes on Robert and Robert feels so opened-up under this inspecting look, he’s completely exposed, all the walls are down and there’s nothing else to reveal. Thomas is looking straight at his bare soul and Robert loses his perception of time, it might have only passed a few minutes but it could be a decade too before Thomas finally gives him an answer. “False,” he says once and then he repeats it and Robert feels weightless. “I won’t lie. I can imagine that.”

Robert might die of the flood of emotions that overcome him at Thomas’ statement and on any other occasion, he would try to sort them out in clear cut categories and analyse them. He’s feeling this joy because Thomas can see them as something. He’s also afraid because he may not be enough for Thomas and… he doesn’t go further with his list. He simply allows himself to lose control and be vulnerable and overwhelmed by everything.

“Can I ask you one too?” Thomas’ voice filters through the haze of sensations and Robert nods immediately. “Okay,” Thomas says again, visibly considering what, or more like how he’s going to ask Robert. “At the very beginning you said something. When you wanted to keep me here,” he pauses and by the way he’s looking at him, Robert suspects what it’ll be about. And he’s right. “You love me.”

It’s three simple words, just like that. A few months ago he would’ve answered with a true without any question because he was so sure that he knew Thomas, that it’s all meant to be like that. It was black and white. Now he doesn’t even dare to separate the countless shades he’s seeing and things are so much more complex than ever before.

“False,” Robert says this in a surprisingly clear tone and he doesn’t want it to, but it sounds cold. Distant. And his heart falls as he sees that Thomas squeezes his eyes shut in an instant and the unfamiliar vibrations are back with a full swing at the far edges of his mind, and they hurt so so fucking much. It’s like his soul and mind and this strange thing is aching at the same time, tearing him apart, making him feel this incredible coldness everywhere. He doesn’t look away from Thomas, but the ground must be completely frozen under him.

“Thomas, can I explain it?” he asks and there’s no answer, Thomas keeps his eyes closed and Robert somehow knows that he does this to hold back his tears.

And he breaks every rule with it, the one they made that he won’t do anything without Thomas’ consent and the rule of their game too. He’ll talk about why he said false, most likely against Thomas’ will and he won’t give a damn about the rule that they’re meant to ask more questions if something’s not clear and not explain it straight ahead.

“I think, I’m not sure. I have to rediscover what it feels like and how I should relate to it, but I don’t think that it’s love. When I told you, then I wasn’t lying either, but I was truly convinced that I can know you inside out only from following your life from the distance. I knew a concept, not you,” his words are filled with every messy feeling that’s swirling in him and maybe tears too.

“I probably loved this concept, too. Not _you_. And now you asked me about the present, and Thomas. I admire you because you’re incredibly brave. You’re warm and soft. Caring. Creative and so fucking witty. I’m glad that you decided to spend time with me and it’s an honour. Truly, it’s an honour to be in your company after all that happened. Also, I’m…” Robert closes his eyes too because they’re burning and he hopes that if he concentrates to the little dots dancing on the back of his eyelids he’ll be better with words. He’ll be able to get his feelings across.

“I can’t remember the last time when I cared so much for someone. And I’m worried for you when you’re walking too close to the Lethe because what if you lose yourself if you fall in it. I’m thinking about you when I’m waiting for the next week, and the next. I can’t wait to meet you again, it’s like I’m in this constant anticipation. It’s not uncomfortable though, it’s wonderful that you make me feel so alive again.

And I still can’t say that I love you because that’d be still a lie and I want to tell you the truth. You’re under my skin and you’re never leaving my mind, but there are still so many things that I, _we_ , need to figure out and. I don’t want to rush it again. We both need time and that’s why…” Robert’s eyes snap open when he hears a quiet sob and he sees that they’re light tear traces on Thomas’ cheeks. “Thomas,” he says and he can’t get enough of the name, the feelings he’s awaking in him, and the man himself. This wonderful man. “I can’t say that I love you _now_. But Thomas. Later, I’m sure that it’s possible. Just. You said that we should take it slow, yeah?” he’s almost whispering in the end and he searches Thomas’ bright teary eyes for a reaction. For anything.

“Look,” Thomas says in a shaky tone and he points at the ground. “I didn’t do this on purpose.”

The daisies have been surrounding only Thomas so far. Now they’re in a bigger circle around him and Robert realizes that there’s a line formed of the tiny flowers, not wider than a palm, but it leads clearly to Robert. Of course, it doesn’t reach him because of the ice, but if Thomas did it subconsciously, then it can only mean that…

“We’re okay then, I guess,” there are still tears in the corner of Thomas’ eyes, but he’s smiling. And Robert has never ever seen a brighter and more beautiful sight than this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you a lot for reading <3  
> I usually don't leave long end notes, but after the things that happened in this chapter it might be a bit surprising that Gigi lets go so easily of his grudges and he embraces Thomas' relationship (may it mean anything :) ) with Robert.   
> At first I intended to write the first scene differently and Gigi wouldn't have agreed with Thomas' decision. But then I realized that as much as I love drama, I think there were already so many things in this fic. And I'm really fond of these stupid characters, and they kind of deserve some peace right? Gigi and Philipp are two of the most important people in Thomas' life and it would've been devastating for himif one of them hadn't understood him. Or at least tried to.   
> So instead of that version, I decided to make everything softer. And I hope that I've already managed to show that these characters, especially Thomas have a supportive background and I'd like to keep it that way.   
> So my point is, that things won't get all easy out of the blue, but it won't be all drama either because I have a soft spot for fluff. And I hope that you won't have a problem with it.  
> Thank you again for being here and have a beautiful weekend :)


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